


(stay with me)

by SodiumBicarb



Category: EXO (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Humor, Kim Seokjin | Jin-centric, M/M, Maknae Kim Seokjin | Jin, Minor Kim Joonmyun | Suho/Wu Yi Fan | Kris, but i promise that there's fluff at the end of this crazy long tunnel, everyone from both groups show up but that's way too many character tags, jinkook being super cute, there's so much angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-09 12:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 50,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11104977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SodiumBicarb/pseuds/SodiumBicarb
Summary: Jeon Jungkook couldn't believe that no one told him how cute EXO's maknae, Kim Seokjin, was.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally wrote a maknae!Jin! Yay~ Warning: I suck at fluff; writing angst is more my jam. I promise you the angst (in chapter 3?) is way better because it's basically the whole reason for this fic. However, I needed some fluff to make the angst even better. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> This will be Jin-centric, so it's going to follow more of EXO than BTS, just FYI. 
> 
> Title is from Chanyeol's and Punch's OST. :) I pretty much name my fics after the song that I listened to the most while writing it. 
> 
> I hope you like it!

His hyungs spotted the pretty boy first. Jungkook wasn't surprised; his hyungs were a thirsty bunch. So he stood awkwardly in his mustard yellow uniform, sneaking glances at a boy with almond eyes and milky skin on the other side of the room.

"Oh, Jinnie-ah!-" hands pawed at the boy, brushing away his fringe or stroking his shoulders.

"-you're so-"

"-pretty-" he was.

"-so tall!"

"KOOKIE!" Oh, that one wasn't from the mob surrounding the boy.

"-call me-"

"-noona-"

"LISTEN TO YOUR-" Jungkook lifted his eyes and spotted Taehyung leaning over the rail and screaming unabashedly. Yoongi-hyung loomed behind him, potentially contemplating if he could get away with pushing the other boy off the balcony.

"-hyung-"

"-okay?"

"MAKE FRIENDS WITH THAT PRETTY ONE!" Jungkook blushed. Well, he couldn't _now_ ; everyone in the atrium heard Taehyung's enthusiastic suggestion.

Jungkook shuffled away from his hyungs and towards a more crowded area. Nope, no Jungkook here. Who were those crazy people on the balcony? No idea.

"THE ONE WITH THE SHOULDERS!" Jimin joined in. Jungkook sent a pleading look towards the hyung line. Yoongi lifted his camera to take a photo, cupped his hands over his mouth and yelled, "GET HIS NUMBER!" before dragging the terror duo away from the rail.

He hung his head in his hands. What happened to his hyungs' hip-hop souls? The swag? Why did they have to be such dorks at his entrance ceremony?

(Secretly, he was pleased. He wouldn't even trade his dorky hyungs for a lifetime supply of beef.)

"Hyung!" he felt someone gently wrap their hands around his arm. He jolted when the person pressed their body against his and nudged him towards the door.

"Wh-? Who-" the boy smelled of honey and lavender, his chestnut hair tickling Jungkook's nose.

"I'm so sorry," the boy muttered tearfully. "Please help?"

There was no way in hell that Jungkook could resist those teary eyes. No way.

Distantly, he heard Hoseok-hyung wolf-whistle.

"Are you... are you okay?"

The boy bit his lip and nodded.

"I just... none of the hyungs are here yet, otherwise the crowd wouldn't bother with _me-_ " that was a bald-faced lie; Jungkook hoped that the boy knew that. There was no way anyone would overlook him.

"-and they were getting handsy, and-" the boy hiccuped. Jungkook stared at him awkwardly. What did one do in this situation? He defaulted to the etiquette his hyungs said he didn't have; he introduced himself.

"Ah. Annyeonghaseyo. I'm Bangtan Sonyeondan's maknae, Jeon Jungkook," he said as they made their way around cliques of people. The maknae snuck a glance behind him; the mob had dispersed but were edging closer from all angles now. He was determined to make it to Yoongi-hyung; if anyone could stare down mob mentality and survive, it was the tiny rapper.

"Oh! I'm so rude! Annyeonghaseyo, I'm EXO's maknae, Kim Seokjin!" the boy swallowed a hiccup.

Jungkook felt faint.

" _Sunbaenim?_ " Honestly, he exclusively stanned the Chen and Suho because _hello,_ their voices were gold, but why hadn't anyone told him that EXO had a cute maknae his age????!!!

"Ah-" the boy- Seokjin-sshi- cast his eyes downwards, and Jungkook saw metaphorical cat ears drop.

"Wait!" the boy fumbled with his phone. Jungkook led him towards the wall where they'd have one side protected against grabby hands.

Seokjin-sshi flashed his screen in Jungkook's face. His official BigHit profile filled his vision.

"You're _older_ than me, so you don't have to call me 'sunbae!'" The boy nodded happily.

"...um... I don't think that's how that works."

Almond eyes peered up at him, like the cat from Puss in Boots.

"You don't want to be my hyung?"

... oh my god. Jungkook's heart thudded in his chest.

"Seokjin-sshi-"

"Hyung~" the younger said cutely. Jungkook frantically searched for his own hyungs but realized that they were probably in a classroom waiting for him. 

"Be my hyung, okay?"

Seokjin looked up nervously from underneath his lashes, and Jungkook wondered if this was how drama scripts were written.

* * *

A manager whisked Seokjin away as soon as they exited the atrium. The boy looked backwards as he was dragged along, waving and sending him a flying kiss.

"Thank you for staying with me, hyung!"

The vocalist wasn't too proud to admit that he planned on binge-watching EXO videos, scanning the frames for his new-found crush.

* * *

"So, did you get his number?" Yoongi asked as he wiggled his brow jokingly.

Jungkook blushed.

Stupid hyungs.

(He should have totally listened to them.)

* * *

Months passed, a year and then some.

Jungkook didn't forget about the boy, but they weren't in the same class and Bangtan was preparing for a comeback. He listened to EXO's songs despite Taehyung decrying him as being possessed by a demon, but other than watching the latest music videos, he hadn't the time to pay attention to his crush.

"Jungkook-sshi. _Everyone_ at this school is busy; there is no excuse for these grades," his teacher sighed exasperatedly. Turns out that he hadn't the time to pay attention to his math homework either.

He hung his head. Namjoon-hyung taught him in-between recording sessions, but numbers just didn't make sense! Why did equations have to balance? Why couldn't they just plant two feet on the ground and be stable?

He clutched his exam as he left, folding it so that the red marks faced each other.

"I could tutor you?" he whipped his head towards the voice, mortified that someone knew how bad he was at math, that he wasn't really the golden maknae. 

Seokjin sat on the ground, his knees pressed against his chest and wire-rimmed glasses perched on his nose.

"I'm sorry," the boy mumbled. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop."

"Are you good at math?" He was desperate, now.

Seokjin shrugged.

"I get A's. Someone's been tutoring you, right? But it's still not sinking it." Jungkook nodded.

"Do you want to give me a try?" Jungkook choked on his spit as Seokjin smiled faux-sweetly. The boy _definitely_ knew how his words sounded.

"It'll be a challenge," he replied faux-smoothly. Seokjin rested his cheek on his hand and glanced up at him.

"The harder the challenge, the better."

Then the boy had the gall to _wink._ Jungkook instantly renounced his 'international playboy' title and metaphorically handed it to Seokjin instead.

Seokjin added his kakao handle to Jungkook's phone and hopped down the hall when a manager called his name.

"Call me!" A flying kiss.

His fingers flew across his screen.

_Ring._

"Jiminie-hyung? Can you take me to the gym?"

* * *

Management was adamant that he keep his boyish charm for as long as possible, so no, he couldn't go to the gym. Yoongi scoffed when he heard; puberty was kind to their maknae, and it was clear as day that he was subtly packing on muscle and that he was growing like a damn weed.

Yoongi had no idea when the boy had time to exercise since he was chaperoned at all times but applauded him for his ingenuity.

* * *

"Forty-six correct," Seokjin tutted. He crossed his ankles as he sat on the teacher's desk, calmly observing Jungkook do forty-six pushups.

"If this is supposed to be punishment for doing poorly on that mock exam, I really should do double that, Jinnie," Jungkook wheedled. They'd gotten close over the past month of studying every day. EXO-M was on break and Bangtan recently finished promotions.

Seokjin snorted.

"What's 46 times 2?"

"..." Jungkook continued with his pushups.

"If you can answer in three seconds, I'll double all of your 'punishments' _and_ bring you cookies next time."

Jungkook sneakily continued doing more than forty-six pushups.

"..."

Their new system worked well. Seokjin gave him worksheets and he was allowed a push-up and a piece of kimbap for every one he did correctly. Being wrong meant less exercise, and he couldn't afford that since management refused to let him exercise at the dorm. School was the only unmonitored space he had.

He improved, but not at a rate that would save his grade.

"I don't think this is working," Seokjin sighed as he handed Jungkook a container of kimbap. No matter how poorly he did on the mock exams, Seokjin never deducted food, only handed him extra rolls when he did well. Idols don't starve idols, after all; they all knew the pain of diets.

"I'm sorry," Jungkook said. He felt bad that the younger spent his free time trying to futilely teach him math, a skill that he was pretty sure God forgot to add when He made him.

"Hm..." Seokjin thoughtfully chewed on his own kimbap.

"Do you want to try a different incentive system?"

Jungkook shook his head.

"I like the exercise. I'll... I'll study harder, I promise." He looked at the homemade food Seokjin made him and felt ashamed that he couldn't even study hard enough to achieve a passing grade on a mock exam.

"Are you sure? We can just add on to the exercise incentive; if I'm right, you'll work harder," the boy said with a wink. 

Jungkook nodded reluctantly. He hated being an inconvenience.

"So, I'm thinking that if you pass the next exam with at least a C, I'll give you a blowjob. I was going to make it a B for blowjob-" Seokjin giggled, "-but that might be too ambitious of an expectation."

Jungkook's brain came to a grinding halt. He looked at the younger. Seokjin's smile was teasing but his eyes were serious.

_Ffffffffff-uuuuuu-cccccc-kkkkk._

All senses were trained on him. His eyes never left Seokjin's lips; his fingers ached to wrap around that tiny waist, and his ears yearned to hear the boy's squeaky laughter. Faintly, he smelled the boy's lavender shampoo and his mouth salivated at the thought that the boy might taste as sweet.

Pull it together, Jeon Jungkook.

He cleared his throat and gulped half a bottle of water, surprising the both of them when he didn't choke.

Seokjin gave him an amused smile.

"No."

The boy's expression wavered and he caved in on himself.

"Oh. I-" Seokjin fiddled with the hem of his jacket.

Jungkook cleared his throat again.

"Um. W-"

"It's okay," Seokjin whispered. His head was ducked down, and his fingers idly traced patterns on his phone.

"What I meant to say was, 'No, I'd rather have a date with you instead.'" The younger glanced up hopefully, his mouth forming a perfect 'o.'

"Ooohhh."

"Unless you don't want to?" Jungkook couldn't be sure. Maybe he wasn't Seokjin's type?

The younger smiled at him coyly and pecked him on the cheek.

"For that, you get a date _and_ a blowjob."

Jungkook put his metaphorical 'international playboy' crown back atop his head.

"Dating means many blowjobs."

Seokjin laughed, high-pitched and squeaky (just the way Jungkook liked it), and pressed another kiss to Jungkook's cheek.

"Dating means _mutual_ blowjobs."

Jungkook nodded his head enthusiastically.

"I like mutual blowjobs."

* * *

The red ink said 69% much to Jungkook's horror and Seokjin's entertainment.

" _Sixty-nine!_ " the younger laughed with the hint of a squeak. 

Jungkook pouted. He tried really hard, okay! And a D was vastly better than an F!

"C'mere," Seokjin cooed. Jungkook's head hit his desk instead of looking at the other boy.

"Well, you didn't get a C, but I'm willing to give you a date because that 69% is a _sign._ "

Jungkook's head shot up.

"Really?" he said excitedly.

"Yeah, but-" ugh. He hated conditions, "-for failing your exam after all my hard work, I think you owe _me_ a blowjob." Oh. OH.

(He refused to answer Namjoon-hyung when the man asked why he was so chipper for bringing a failing grade home.)

* * *

Yifan ("It's Kris-hyung, now, Seokjin-ah," an exasperated EXO-M leader corrected Jin fondly) sometimes picked Jin up from school. Honestly, it wasn't the smartest decision on management's part for keeping a low profile because Yifan absolutely towered over everyone. All of EXO were tall, really, but Yifan was the tallest.

"Hyung," Jungkook asked him with wide eyes. "How did you get so tall?"

Yifan dismissively glanced at the two teens. He was bundled in a Gucci leather jacket that made the chaebol across the street stare in envy. Jungkook wanted to make bank like that.

"Genetics."

"Aish. This hyung," Seokjin muttered bitterly as he dragged Jungkook away. Yifan followed them to the bus stop at a leisurely place.

When he picked them up next, he handed them each a banana milk and warm honey bread. Behind Yifan's back, Seokjin wordlessly handed his second piece to Jungkook.

"For your hyungs," he whispered around a mouth full of honey. Jungkook transferred a kiss from his mouth to his fingers, then his fingers to Jin's lips. They were in public, after all.

Seokjin smiled and offered a bite of his own bread.

'One day,' Jungkook thought dazedly, 'One day I'll make enough money to buy you all the honey bread in the world.'

When he arrived at dance practice, he split the bread into six pieces, one for each of them. His hyungs thanked at him, savoring the treat. Until they hit it big, their dorm only stocked ramen; this was their first sweet treat in months.

Jungkook had a good feeling about their comeback. The fans were going to love it.

"Dasi run run run," he sang to himself.

* * *

Kyungsoo picked them up next. Jungkook attempted to have a staring contest with him, but the calm stare forced him to break first. The shorter ( _shorter!_ ) male scoffed and judged him with his eyebrows. Jungkook judged him back. They judged each other.

Seokjin came upon their competition like a whirlwind, his hair windswept as his bag flopped behind him.

Kyungsoo's eyes narrowed at him before he escorted his maknae to the company van.

Jungkook couldn't help but feel that this hyung would get along with Yoongi-hyung. He resolved to never let them meet.

* * *

Seokjin had a dainty waist. It was nowhere near AOA's Mina's 17 centimeters, but for the size of the boy's shoulders, his waist was _minuscule,_ and Jungkook loved it.

When they napped on the roof, Jungkook wrapped his arms around that waist and pillowed his head on the boy's chest. They frequently slept sitting up in a corner, Seokjin's body hunched over his as the sun continued to rise in the sky.

It was fast becoming the most comfortable way to nap. It was a known fact that Jungkook's own bed was taken over with stuff and that he frequently cuddled with his hyungs, but they were... not ideal?

Jimin-hyung was built like a tree and had muscles everywhere Jungkook had muscles. Their cuddle sessions were filled with too many flexed biceps and ended up being uncomfortable and a little painful.

Taehyung-hyung was a vine wrapped around the Jimin-tree. When Jungkook snuck into his bed, he frequently lost blood circulation in one of his limbs and sweat through his clothes from the lack of space between their bodies.

Namjoon-hyung snored so loud that cuddling with him was painful for his eardrums. He was comfortable but once the snores began, sleep was impossible.

Hoseok-hyung was the best body pillow on average, but there was always one or two nights where his unconscious habit of groping himself translated to groping his bedmate. Jungkook loved his hyung but he had a boyfriend, thank you very much.

Yoongi-hyung never slept, so Jungkook couldn't test his cuddling prowess.

Seokjin, however, was a sleeping godsend, Morpheus himself in human form. His wide shoulders gave Jungkook a wide, warm bed to nap on; he wasn't too muscled to make hugs uncomfortable, and he smelled of honey and lavender.

But back to the waist.

It was tiny.

Jungkook loved it.

But SM was ruining that waist by forcing Seokjin to go on a diet for EXO-M's comeback and Jungkook was furious.

The boy's Pacific Ocean shoulders hid how skinny the rest of him was, belayed the fact that it was only the XL shirts that hid the thin torso underneath, only the darkness of the jeans that hid how scary thin the boy was becoming. Sure, there was muscle, but Seokjin wasn't built to be this thin, not like the graceful and slender bodies of his hyungs. He couldn't be lithe to save his life; he _could,_ however, be Dorito-shaped, but _no,_ SM wanted everyone to be interchangeable, wanted cylindrical ddeokbokkis. Seokjin's wide shoulders and small waist had their own appeal but SM was _ruining_ that.

They were running him ragged. Maybe they thought that driving the boy's body into starvation mode would slim him down faster.

Jungkook danced for hours, well past two am, but whenever he kakao-ed Seokjin, the boy always responded. Sometimes he sent selfies and it was clear from the set of his jaw that the EXO would be there for a few more hours.

Sometimes Seokjin sent selfies from the airport at five am, either to or from China. EXO-M stayed anywhere from half a day to two weeks at a time. There was exhaustion written on every thread of Seokjin's clothes, those sagging threads hanging off his shrinking body.

The truth was, though, that there was nothing Jungkook could do. Seokjin loved being an idol, loved EXO, and if skipping a few meals meant that he could do what he loved, then he was going to skip some meals. Jungkook knew the feeling well. BigHit promoted them as hip-hop as opposed to pretty boys, but that didn't mean that Bangtan didn't have strict diets like other idol groups.

All Jungkook could do was wrap his arms around that waist and pray that it didn't get smaller. All he could hope for was for standards on beauty to change, for the public to realize that being that skinny wasn't natural for anyone.

"Hyung?" Seokjin stirred in his arms. They reversed their positions today, Jungkook hugged the younger close to his chest.

"Yeah?" Jungkook was one his own diet for Bangtan's comeback, but given that none of the choreography required lifting their shirts, management gave them all some leeway.

"You're really muscley now," the boy pouted. Jungkook laughed.

"One of us has to be."

Another pout.

"You're always so mean to me, Jungkookie. You're lucky that you're the only cookie I'm allowed on my diet," the younger joked. 

Jungkook pressed a kiss to his hair.

"Those puns are atrocious. I swear to god that it's lucky that you're pretty," he teased. Seokjin laughed sleepily.

"Not luck. I was _destined_ to be this handsome."

Was he spending too much time with Tao and Yifan-hyung or had he been born this narcissistic?

Jungkook clutched at the tiny waist.

_Please don't become any more beautiful._

Not the way SM wanted. Not the way the stylists wanted. He missed the baby fat in the boy's cheeks; if starving him was beautiful, Jungkook didn't want Seokjin to be beautiful anymore.

It was past two am when Seokjin fell into a deep enough slumber that Jungkook didn't fear waking him. He slid out of the younger's grip and replaced his body with his sweatshirt. They were in BigHit's dance practice room.

Scattered around them were energy bar wrappers from snacks that Seokjin snuck into his bag from his last schedule of the day. There were a handful more in his bag and two entire sandwiches carefully wrapped in wax paper. After giving the younger a peck on the cheek, Jungkook stuffed the sandwiches and energy bars into a plastic bag and made his way down the hall.

"Hyungs?" he knocked on the recording studio's door.

Namjoon wrenched the door open, surprisingly not breaking it.

"Oh, Kookie! Were you waiting for us?" Because he was still a minor, he wasn't allowed to or from the dorms after dark.

He shook his head.

"I brought food." He handed over the bag.

Yoongi snatched it from Namjoon's hands and held up a sandwich.

"Kid. Where?" All of the nearby restaurants were closed.

"Um... a friend brought them."

Yoongi stared at him incredulously.

"A friend? At this time of night?"

Jungkook shuffled from side-to-side. He was a terrible liar.

"Um..." He could play Seokjin off as a friend from school, couldn't he? The real question was, however, did he want to?

Oh god. His hyungs technically had to call Seokjin 'sunbae.'

The two rappers stared at him expectantly.

There was a faint pattering of feet against the carpet. Even under the sweat of dance practice, Jungkook still smelled honey and lavender.

Seokjin skidded to a halt in front of the open door, his eyes widened as he took in room's occupants and immediately bowed.

"Annyeonghaseyo. I'm EXO's maknae, Kim Seokjin."

Jungkook stepped back to include him in the four-person circle. The hyungs introduced themselves automatically, ending with Yoongi-hyung's weird "Swoooo..." that he did when he was thinking.

How does one explain why the maknae of another idol group was in their practice room at two am?

Seokjin tugged on his sleeve insistently.

"Hyung." The honorific made Jungkook's blood sing. He may have a kink. Yoongi-hyung broke out of his daze long enough to throw a knowing look his way.

"Hyung. Yifan-ge's on his way to pick me up." Jungkook nodded and steered the boy towards the exit.

"Um... it was nice to meet you!" the boy called out from underneath Jungkook's arm.

"Hey-" Seokjin glanced backwards at Yoongi's exclamation. "- _friend_ of the kid; let's meet over coffee next time." Then his hyung had the audacity to send a sly eyebrow wiggle.

Jungkook scowled.

"He's _underage,_ hyung."

"Not for long!" the boy chirped. Jungkook whipped his head towards him, betrayed.

"Really? Guess we should make some plans..." Yoongi's gummy smile was too bright for not having slept in two days.

Jungkook covered Yoongi's view of Seokjin with his body as he glared at his hyung. Seokjin peeked out from behind him, his crooked fingers clutching Jungkook's shirt.

Jungkook wrinkled his nose. When did Seokjin change his shampoo?

Oh. That was _his_ cologne. The boy was wearing _his_ hoodie. His possessive instinct purred happily and he automatically pressed a kiss to the boy's temple.

_Ring. Ring._

Seokjin rolled his eyes when he noticed Jungkook's gaze. Then he checked the caller and paled.

"Bye bae," he gave Bangtan's vocalist a peck on the cheek before he escaped into the hallway.

"I'm coming, gege!" the trio heard the rushed platitude. "You can _try_ to leave without me, but what would Joonmyun-hyung say?"

"Swoooo..." weird air-sucking noise thing again.

"So... kid. You have a boyfriend. Who's an idol."

Jungkook nodded nervously. Sure his hyungs preached acceptance but practicing it was another matter.

"And he brings you food at two am and stays with you during dance practice?"

"His last schedule was nearby."

Yoongi nudged the maknae.

"Does he have any single hyungs?" the rapper teased. Jungkook's mind instantly flashed to Kyungsoo: _no._ Those two would be the saltiest couple ever.

"Don't you have Hobi-hyung?" he replied scathingly. Yoongi's cheeks pinked.

"Oh no." They stared at Namjoon's delayed reaction.

Oh. Jungkook completely forgot that technically he wasn't allowed to date and that Namjoon-hyung was obligated to report him. Shit. But... but if Seokjin got away with it under SM's watchful eyes and strict rules, shouldn't he be able to do the same with BigHit?

"Oh no," the man repeated, eyes wide.

Yoongi whirled on him with a steely gaze. He shifted from beside their leader to stand beside Jungkook.

"Joon-ah," Yoongi said warningly.

" _Hyung,_ " Namjoon whispered. "The _maknae_ started dating before us. I feel shame as a hyung."

The two blinked at him before bursting into laughter.

"He's the golden maknae for a reason!" Yoongi draped an arm over the boy's shoulders.

Jungkook gave them a small smile.

"Will you... will management... what will you tell them?" He asked.

Namjoon's eyes softened.

"Has he been the one helping you with your grades?"

The boy nodded.

"Then if management ever notices, that's the story we'll stick to."

"What about when I graduate?"

The rappers stared.

Oh.

This wasn't just a fling; it was serious.

Namjoon smiled teasingly.

"When you graduate, he'll be legal and ready to swoop into my open, manly arms."

"He _is_ pretty cute," Yoongi teased.

Jungkook needed to start carrying a stick to beat away Seokjin's admirers.

"Yah. That's my boyfriend."

Yoongi cuffed him fondly on the head.

"Manners."

"Don't be home-wreckers, _hyungs._ "

"Thinking about marriage already, are we?"

It was Jungkook's turn to blush. Stupid hyungs. He should punish them by eating the sandwiches himself.

"Wait," Yoongi's brow furrowed. "Wasn't that the kid from your high school entrance ceremony?"

How could Yoongi-hyung forget the day of the week and the month, could forget to eat for days or do laundry, could forget his own e-mail password but remember a boy he saw for less than an hour from a balcony years ago?

His hyung was too thirsty. Jungkook resolved to set him up with Hoseok-hyung ASAP.

* * *

Jungkook knew that his possessiveness could be seen as a flaw. His Bangtan hyungs didn't mind but it did not earn him brownie points with Seokjin's hyungs. Yifan-hyung paid minimal attention to him, but Luhan-hyung paid way too much.

In the elder's defense, the first time they met, Jungkook was plastered to Seokjin's side and practically scent-marking him.

Seokjin, bless his selectively naive heart, didn't notice the death glare that EXO's deer sent Jungkook's way.

A carnivorous deer.

With the sweetest smile he'd ever seen, barring none, Luhan snatched his maknae from his arms and proceeded to pull the boy behind him.

"Ah. Are you my little Seokjinnie's friend?" Luhan asked.

The maknae pouted.

"Gege! This is Jungkookie! I've told you about him!" Seokjin clung onto the elder's arm and smiled up at him.

"Annyeonghaseyo, I'm Bangtan Sonyeondan's maknae, Jeon Jungkook." He bowed.

"You didn't tell me how... _molestery_ this friend of yours was."

Seokjin let out an exasperated groan.

"I think the word you're looking for is 'touchy,' gege," the maknae instructed. "Or 'affectionate.' Or 'clingy.' How did you learn 'molestery' anyways? I don't think that's an actual word even though you got the base word right." Seokjin furrowed his brow.

Luhan smoothed out the crease with his finger.

"I know what I said."

Jungkook perspired as the man refocused on him.

"What are your intentions with my Seokjinnie?"

Said maknae whined.

"Gege. He has _all_ the intentions; we're _dating._ "

Jungkook wasn't sure what he was waiting for. Perhaps he expected Luhan to be outraged or disgusted; Korea was still in the progress of being more accepting, after all. Perhaps he expected to have to shield Seokjin from a horrified hyung; the boy was so clueless sometimes.

He expected the gasp but not the subsequent words.

"Jinnie! International playboys are no good-" were those words _ever_ going to stop haunting him? "Gege will find you a good boy: filial, rich, and as good-looking as Yifan, okay?" the man suggested.

"Or I'll ask Tao-ah. His friends all have martial arts bodies." Luhan nodded to himself.

Seokjin rolled his eyes and detached himself from Luhan's death grip to make his way back to Jungkook's side. He purposefully widened his eyes to twice their normal size.

" _Hyung,_ " even Jungkook knew that the change from 'gege' to 'hyung' meant that the elder was in deep trouble with the maknae. "I really like Jungkookie, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't interfere in any way." He gave the eldest a pointed look.

Jungkook blushed at the admission and gave the younger a subtle side-hug.

Luhan observed them for a moment longer before he sighed and rummaged through his bag.

"There better be roses and cake when you take my Seokjinnie's virginity," he growled as he slapped condoms onto Jungkook's chest. He caught them reflexively, but Seokjin instantly snatched them out of his hands.

"I'm almost an _adult,_ gege. I lost my v-card _ages_ ago. Besides-" Seokjin dug into his backpack and pulled out his own handful of bright pink condoms.

"Strawberry-flavored ones are best!"

Luhan looked stricken.

" _Oh my god,_ you're still a _baby._ "

"Yeah. I'm _his_ 'baby.'"

Jungkook was going to be murdered backstage at a show, his corpse hidden behind Seokjin's twelve hyungs. The boy was trying to black widow him to keep all of the kimbap for himself.

He needed to write his will and donate all of his white shirts to... well, he'd donate them to Seokjin anyways so that ghost!Jungkook could see the boy wearing his clothes. Mmmph.

He'd leave his DS to Taehyung though. That was the least he could do.

* * *

Luhan didn't tell anyone, but EXO still found out about his relationship.

Using his miraculous eomma powers, Joonmyun found out next.

Seokjin's lip wobbled as he asked the leader quietly if his relationship was going to be a problem. Kyungsoo popped into the kitchen for a drink and without knowing the situation said "Did you really make our maknae cry, _hyung,_ " with the judgiest eyebrows in all of bitchidom. That was ultimately what everything boiled down to; was the maknae happy?

Joonmyun sighed because _yes_ , it would be a problem if the media or sasengs caught wind that one of their members was dating a _male_ idol. Hell, the backlash would be bad enough with a female civilian! He gathered his mental strength and drafted a calm speech to deliver to the maknae, but Seokjin's kicked puppy look was too much for him to bear.

He gave up.

"Be careful, okay Jinnie?" The man patted the boy on the head as he was given the fiercest hug. Seokjin grinned at him like he hung the stars in the sky.

By the fridge, Kyungsoo sipped his cola and raised a brow.

"You're a good leader, hyung," the shorter male said.

Joonmyun smiled.

"He's a good kid."

* * *

"So you're dating Bangtan's maknae," Kyungsoo asked over a pan of japchae _._ Seokjin swore as he accidentally burnt his tongue.

"Fuck!" Kyungsoo calmly handed him a cup of water.

"Yes?" the boy answered. Kyungsoo nodded.

"Who else knows?"

Seokjin gave his elder the side-eye.

"...why?"

Kyungsoo remained silent until the maknae folded.

"Just Luhan-ge and Joonmyun-hyung. I don't think Yifan-ge's noticed yet."

"Taste this." Seokjin obligingly ate from the chopstick in front of his face. Kyungsoo rapidly texted on his phone. Seokjin watched him uneasily.

"Hyung?"

"Those two are too soft for a proper shovel talk," Kyungsoo explained. "Chanyeol's too bubbly. Minseok-hyung's too quiet..." Kyungsoo let out a sharp exhale. "I'm going to pick you up on Monday."

Seokjin's eyes widened.

"Hyung! Kookie doesn't need a shovel talk!"

"Nonsense. He's dating our maknae, of course we're going to talk to him," Jongin interrupted from the doorway. Seokjin's eyes widened.

"Can we all stop pretending not to know now?" the dancer asked. Kyungsoo nodded.

"We need to tell Yifan-hyung. He's still clueless."

Jongin blinked.

" _Really?_ "

* * *

Yifan was completely oblivious to the fact that the maknae was dating.

"What? No. He's a baby." He turned to the maknae. "Girls have cooties," he said sternly. Jin rolled his eyes and portioned out some more japchae for himself.

"Gege. You literally drop me off for my dates."

"I _what?_ "

Seokjin stared at Joonmyun in disbelief and begged for help with his eyes.

"Hyung. What did you think you were doing all those times you left him with Jungkook?" EXO's leader asked carefully.

"Study dates?"

Tao broke into laughter.

"Half-right. Gege, you're the dumbest blond I've ever met. _So dumb._ "

"Maybe aliens don't date in the part of the galaxy he's from!" Chanyeol cheered from the couch.

Seokjin waited patiently for Yifan's brain to catch up.

" _I'm going to strangle that kid,_ " Yifan whispered angrily in English. Seokjin, who'd been learning the language from said hyung and understood the threat, coaxed the man back into his seat.

"Jungkook-hyung has been nothing but a gentleman."

"He _still_ makes you call him hyung? You were born in the same year!"

Seokjin shrugged.

"I suggested it. Besides, he likes it." Yifan shot up from his seat.

" _THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A GENTLEMAN TO ME!_ "

Jongdae crossed one leg over another and peered intensely at the maknae.

"Have you tried calling him oppa?"

" _Hyung!_ "

" _Jongdae!_ "

Seokjin buried his face in his hands, but _no,_ he had not.

Hm. Thanks for the idea, hyung.

* * *

EXO-M were whisked away to China for promotions so Yifan didn't have the chance to strangle Bangtan's maknae. Seokjin slumped against Tao and unlocked his phone.

 

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : hyungs found out. yifan-ge wants to strangle you

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : i'll just hold up a mirror. he'll be too distracted to do anything but preen

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : yah that's my hyung you're dissign :)))))

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ are you in china rn?

 

The stewardess signaled for him to put away his phone.

 

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : yeah. for a couple of days. g2g. plane taking off.

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : stay healthy. get some sleep

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : i'll miss you

 

He sunk deeper into his seat.

 

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : i miss you too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments are love~


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if some of the formatting looks weird. AO3 keeps messing with it. >:( 
> 
> 'Qianjin' is an affectionate Chinese nickname that translates to 'darling' and is usually reserved for females.

Yifan idly scrolled on his phone as the maknaes pondered over which pastries to buy.

Seokjin eyed a slice of triple-layered German chocolate cake and Jungkook refused to order because he was on a diet and-

"Sugar doesn't build muscle, Jinnie!" the boy sighed.

Seokjin pursed his lips in a pout.

"I don't see why you can't make today your cheat day."

"Fine," Jungkook rolled his eyes. "I'll take a fruit tart."

They stared at the pastry display quietly. Seokjin reached out his pinky and hooked it around Jungkook's.

"I just... can we pretend not to be idols for the next couple of hours? No diets? No talking shop? Just two people on a date?" The maknae asked. Jungkook smiled at him, turning his head slowly to brush a kiss against the boy's head. To a casual observer, it seemed as if Jungkook merely turned his attention towards the windows.

"Okay."

They stood in line with their pinkies intertwined. Jungkook wore his signature black Puma hoodie with a black baseball cap with two rings punched on the bill while Seokjin wore an unbranded pink hoodie with his own matching cap. Yifan huffed at their unintentional couple outfits; God, they were so cute.

The trio stood at the cash register before Yifan piped up.

"Yah, hyung. I want two slices of strawberry shortcake," he ordered without looking up from his screen.

"Aish, this hyung," Seokjin whined good-naturally as he pulls out his wallet. The maknae didn't bat an eye but Jungkook was shook.

Seokjin glanced up at his boyfriend's aghast face and laughed.

"You look like he called me Daddy or something!" Seokjin's squeaky laughter rang as they made their way to a corner table.

"'Hyung' might as well be for that kid." Yifan shot the BTS member a glare. Jungkook had the presence of mind to duck his head in faux shame.

"Aw, hyung." Seokjin giggled and threw his arms around Jungkook.

"In EXO, whoever pays gets called 'hyung,'" he explained. He turned his head cutely and with the most innocent smile asked, "Do you want to try calling me hyung?"

Yifan thrust a hand between their faces.

"Stop working out kinks in public."

Seokjin pouted. Yifan stared back, undeterred.

A worker brought them their cakes and coffee. Yifan returned to his phone as Jungkook and Seokjin continued being nauseatingly sweet.

"Hold on!" Seokjin stopped the other two from eating. "Let me take a picture for my blog, first!" He arranged the plates artistically with just the right filter before posting.

 

  _✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* eating with my fav boys~ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧_

 

_Ding!_

Seokjin giggled as he saw Yifan's phone flash with an EatJin notification. Aw. How cute. His gege pretended to be a cold city guy but followed his blog!

_Ding!_

"What did I miss?"

Joonmyun pulled out the chair next to Yifan and smiled at the shortcake in front of him.

"Oh! My favorite!"

It was Seokjin's turn to be shook. Jungkook laughed gleefully.

"Hyung! Why are you here??" the maknae asked with wide eyes.

Yifan put away his phone into his jacket.

"We're double-dating, dating squared: maknae-maknae, leader-leader dating time," he said as he dug into his slice.

"What?! You said that you needed help giving the shovel talk!" Joonmyun flushed red.

"Meeting the in-laws is so much worse," the man shrugged.

Joonmyun and Seokjin blushed. Like mother like son.

"Suho-sunbaenim! I'm a huge fan of your voice!" Jungkook made to stand up and bow but Seokjin dragged him back into his seat.

"Don't draw attention!" he hissed.

"I'm a huge fan," the boy whispered and nearly bowed into his tart. Yifan casually draped a long arm over the back of Joonmyun's chair.

"Losing points for wandering eyes, kid."

Jungkook glared at the rapper.

"You can call me hyung," Joonmyun smiled. "Jinnie never said that you were a fan."

Jungkook blushed but embarrassment didn't stop him from gushing.

"It's just-! Your technical singing skills are really good! And you have an amazing range too! And-" the boy hid his red face in his hands. Seokjin rubbed his shoulder consolingly.

"It's okay," the maknae told him. "I fanboy over Tao-ge's rapping all the time."

Yifan set his fork down, affronted.

"You never fanboyed over me."

"Losing points for wandering eyes, Yifan-ge," Seokjin mocked.

Joonmyun's eyes crinkled in amusement while Jungkook drank his coffee smugly.

"I should have left you in that cardboard box under the bridge," the rapper stabbed his cake.

" _Really,_ gege?" the maknae rolled his eyes. "I was not a kitten you found in a wet cardboard box on a rainy November night." He delivered the sentence robotically as if he'd heard it a hundred times before.

"He also says that he found Tao-ge at a panda liberation fundraiser," he continued to tell the other two conspiratorially. "None of us even knows what that _means._ "

Joonmyun forced a smile and ate his cake.

"No one's perfect," the leader said with a shrug.

Yifan handed him half of his own slice.

"...except Yifan," the man amended. Seokjin rolled his eyes. His hyungs were so whipped for each other.

* * *

Seokjin hated his glasses but wearing his contacts too often hurt his eyes. They didn't have a schedule today, so it was the perfect time to let his eyes breathe. He stared at the photos of him on Twitter; he wore a pair of ripped black jeans, a Mario shirt, and those god-forsaken wire-rimmed glasses.

EXO-M sat in the airport lounge, resting during their long layover from Hong Kong to Seoul.

"Gege," the maknae nuzzled against Luhan's side. "Will you sing me a lullaby?"

"Such a spoiled _qianjin_ ," the man laughed.

Seokjin pouted.

"Gege, don't think that seongsaenim didn't tell me that 'qianjin' is reserved for daughters!" the maknae whined. Luhan cuddled him.

"But it had 'Jin' in it! Isn't that perfect?"

"Yixing-ge calls me his baobei."

Luhan rolled his eyes.

"Yixing has no creativity."

"Aiyo. Gege, don't be so mean!" the dancer called out from his nest of jackets.

"QianJIN. How can anyone argue with that?" Luhan blew a lock of his hair away from his face.

" _Baobei_ already sounds like baby, though," Yixing commented from his guitar case.

"But _qianjin_ has his name in it!"

"But _baobei_ is so much cuter!"

Seokjin sighed and dragged his tired body over to Minseok-hyung who lifted him the rest of the way into his lap.

"Do you want me to shut them up?" the eldest murmured sleepily. Seokjin snuggled into his muscled arms.

"Only if it's permanent," he replied petulantly. Minseok's chest rumbled as the man laughed.

"You can be the _xiao bao_ to my _baozi,_ " the man hummed. Seokjin groaned.

" _Please_ , don't add another name to the nickname war, hyung."

"Let's vote," Jongdae piped up amicably from the seats behind them.

"Eldest says _xiao bao,_ " Minseok declared.

"Really? You're voting for a couple name?" Jongdae laughed.

"Mmmhh. Look at these fluffy cheeks."

Minseok lazily poked Jin's aforementioned cheeks.

The vocalist couldn't dispute that.

"Two votes for _xiao bao,_ with the addendum that the SeokSeok/MinJin couple name be revised to 'baobao,'" Jongdae announced.

The eldest hyung sent him a thumbs up.

"One for _qianjin!_ " Luhan cheered from atop Yixing's beaten body.

" _Baobei!_ " Yixing shouted back before being smothered by more coats.

Yifan eyed the younger rapper sitting across from him.

" _Baobei/Qianjin!_ " they yelled at the same time.

"Oh look, Seokjin gets to be the tiebreaker," Yifan shrugged nonchalantly.

"Aish. You don't pick your own nickname, hyung. You're spoiling him," Jongdae said fondly.

Seokjin peeked out from under Minseok's arm.

"Mmmm... I want to be _qianjin,_ " he answered before ducking back into his hyung's warm embrace.

"The great maknae has spoken, _qianjin_ it is!" Jongdae drummed dramatically against his suitcase.

* * *

He always wondered if his stage name was a curse. 'Jin' meant defeat in Korean but for EXO-M it was the gold of 'darling,' and that was all he ever aspired to be.

Someone's darling.

* * *

They were back in Hong Kong the following day. Honestly, Seokjin never unpacked his suitcase from last time; he used the hotel's washer and dryer so there was no reason to take out his clothes at the dorm. 

They were in Hong Kong this time, preparing for a fan event before flying to Chengdu for a variety show. Manager-hyungs gave them the day off, mostly so that they could drill Yifan on proper answers to controversial questions. This, however hellish for EXO-M's leader, was a blessing for the maknae.

Seokjin wandered through the city. He did it often in Seoul, liked becoming lost in the throngs of people going about their days, savored being swept in the tangential waves of their lives.

Hong Kong was a special kind of busy. People bumped into him but so did languages. Yifan taught him bits and pieces of English and Cantonese, enough that the shopkeepers gave him discounts just for attempting to speak the dialect: an extra fishcake here, an extra bun there. Mandarin flooded his senses too, idle chatter of school children out for lunch or dull signs cramped with tiny writing. Those shops, Tao told him, had the best food. The ones that didn't advertise with neon lights but with the dinginess of their seating, kept full by word of mouth.

Seokjin tried these places under the guise of practicing his Mandarin. All of what SM taught him was useless; there were no fans to say 'i love you,' no crowds to ask if they were having fun. Instead, he recalled the rest of the China line's lessons, little phrases they said to each other, phrases he tried to translate and imitate.

He imitated his hyungs a lot. When he first became a trainee, he stuck so closely to Yifan that the others swore that Seokjin was training to be a rapper, much to Tao's amusement. He tried, really. He practiced the classics but as Yifan said, his tongue was as fluffy as his cheeks.

He'd imitate Luhan or Jongdae but it was impossible to imitate natural skill. Seokjin devoted his time to the fundamentals he learned from Joonmyun instead but physics dictated the superiority of vocal cords.

(God put all of his magic into his shoulders; none left over for actual _talent,_ Seokjin thought bitterly.)

When he trailed after Minseok like a duckling, they went to the gym nearly every day. Seokjin liked the muscle, but he didn't want to make his overly large shoulders any larger so he stopped.

With Yixing, he learned the guitar. He still learned, so maybe that imitation was still a work in progress.

Here in Hong Kong, he was an imitation of a person, someone who had a normal life and a normal day, whose back wasn't warped to the shape of airport chairs or whose feet weren't a mass of bloody bruises from dancing seven hours straight. In Hong Kong, he was no longer EXO's maknae.

(He was a nobody here.)

Pushed around in the crowd of people, no one suspected him of being 'that one member' that tumbled and slid off stage, that messed up an otherwise perfect performance so hilariously that effort of twelve other men was pushed to the side due to one blunder. No one suspected him of being anything other than a boy on the streets of Hong Kong, awestruck and lonely.

A lonely boy with a pink flip phone so out-of-date that pickpockets steered clear of him. The joke was on them, however, because the phone streamed videos just fine. 

A million views on Youtube. A million people watching with glee as he failed on screen. A million criticisms that he tried to pretend were opportunities for improvement but he _couldn't-_

He was so _sick_ of it. As a trainee, he heard plenty of the derisive comments, the tuts of dissatisfaction, and he _knew,_ okay? He _knew._

_'Why did SM even bother debuting him? He's obviously not ready.'_

He knew, okay?

_'He's dragging EXO down.'_

He _knew,_ alright? Stop reminding him.

Just. Just stop.

He rode the ferry back towards the hotel, the waxing gibbous creeping up his spine like a shiver.

* * *

He snuck back into his hotel room. Distantly, he heard Jongdae and Minseok-hyung give battle cries over their Pokemon battle.

The room was dark. He prepared for bed, taking an extra long shower to soak in the heat of the water before crawling under his covers.

But first, a post.

 

 ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* waaaah. hk night market rocks!!!! *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

 

\- he captioned with false cheer. 

 

_Ding!_

 

 **[guest]** : _oppa! you're so lucky to always be traveling!_

 **[guest]:** _did you eat deliciously?_

 **[guest]:** _don't get sick! it's cold at night!_

 

EatJin had five-hundred thousand followers, and none of them (excluding his EXO hyungs) knew that it was Kim Seokjin's blog. Five-hundred thousand people followed an anonymous blog that posted food and scenery. EatJin could do no wrong while EXO's Jin was doing everything wrong. 

Five-hundred thousand followers; he wished that Kim Seokjin had that many fans. But... that just meant that he had to work harder, right? He just... he just had to show that EXO's Jin was as otherworldly as their concept said. 

'Aliens,' the PR team outlined but Seokjin thought what they meant was 'inhuman' instead. Management didn't want EXO to be human; they want perfection in everything: dance, vocals, speech, and rap. Management wanted 'aliens' the way everyone said they wanted 'happiness,' but kept pursuing money. Management wanted perfection, wanted human errors beaten out of them until EXO was perfect and shiny and nothing like real people.

Aliens. 

Outside, the moon was high in the sky, serenely being watched by a million people and aliens alike. 

* * *

He felt like a decoration.

_Just sing and dance prettily, Jin. Just smile and wave prettily, Jin. Just stand there prettily, Jin._

Someone crashed into his shoulder.

_Decorations shouldn't get in people's way, Jin._

You're just a decoration, Kim Seokjin. You make the scenery prettier but no one notices when you're taken away.

 

You. 

Are.

Not.

Necessary.

 

"Wake up."

Someone gently shook his shoulders.

"Wake up, Jinnie."

Yixing loomed over him, the shadows under his eyes deepening in worry.

"You were crying in your sleep, Jinnie."

Seokjin bit his lip. It was still dark outside, the moon's bright smile sliding between the curtains.

"It's nothing, ge. Just a bad dream," he lied.

Yixing ran a hand through his hair.

"Was it about that video?" the elder asked. Seokjin curled in on himself.

Yixing used his dancer's muscles to drag the maknae closer to his body on the bed. Seokjin laid there, facing the window.

The dancer tucked the boy under his chin, strong arms wrapped around him.

"I'm sorry," the maknae whispered into the dark, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"

"Shhh. Why is our _qianjin_ so silly? Nothing to be sorry for," Yixing smiled into Seokjin's hair. "Nothing to be sorry for."

"But!" the maknae blubbered, "I messed up! I fell during our showcase and no one's even _talking_ about our song! They just care that I'm a bumbling idiot who can't dance!" The maknae was full-on wailing while Yixing shushed him quietly.

"Sshhh. Ssshh...aiyo qianjin, qianjin, qianjin. You _can_ dance; you're just growing up. Ah. Hormonal time."

Seokjin snorted through his tears.

" _'Puberty,'_ gege."

He felt Yixing's hussy huff of air.

"When you know the Mandarin word for 'puberty,' then you can take that tone with me, qianjin."

Touché.

"At least we know that a million people know EXO's name, hmm? And if only a thousand look up our songs out of... curi- aiyo, curi...? Cat-killer, Jinnie," Yixing clicked his tongue.

"Curiosity, gege."

"Yes! If only a thousand look up EXO from curi-curiosity, then you've done more work than all of us combined." Yixing's grin was apparent in his voice. It warmed Seokjin's heart.

"But I messed up! Management wasn't happy," he continued solemnly.

Another click of the tongue, this time annoyed.

"Management should worry more about you being hurt than that viral video. Making you dance at that university after spraining your ankle so bad, Joonmyun-hyung threw a fit. What superhuman creatures do they think we are?"

_Aliens._

Seokjin held onto Yixing's arm around his waist.

"I don't want Joonmyun-hyung to get in trouble with management."

"Aiyo. I'm going to steal you from that singing boy of yours. Our Seokjinnie is too angelic. Let your geges and hyungs handle corporate, hm?"

Seokjin giggled and hefted Yixing's arm over his shoulder so that he could snuggle it.

"Jungkookie is BTS' main _vocalist_ ," the maknae corrected with pride. "Stop making fun of him, gege. I know you know that word. You don't call _me_ a 'singing boy.'"

"I call you a singing _angel,"_ the man teased.

"So greasy, this gege."

Yixing pulled the duvet up to their chins.

"Angels don't need to dance Jinnie; they soar. Don't worry about what your feet do, okay? What are shoulders this wide for if not to grow wings?"

* * *

 

 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* so excited for bts' comeback!!!!! *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

 

 **[guest]** : _oppa! are you going to their fansign event?_

 **[eatjin]** : i can only try~

 

* * *

"Aiyo! Jinnie! As maknae, you need to be more bratty, like Tao!" Yixing laughed as he back-hugged the maknae. Seokjin giggled, holding onto the man's arms.

"Tao-ge is bratty enough for the both of us!" he teased.

The martial artist was anything but offended. Instead, he lounged on the armchair like a king.

"I'm not a brat; I'm just getting the pampering I deserve," he replied haughtily. The other two burst into peals of laughter. Tao rolled his eyes and snapped a picture of the two of them clutching each other.

"Come over here, Jinnie. Let's take a selfie."

The maknae dutifully scuttled over.

"Xing-ge, you too. Your face will make Jinnie and I appear even more handsome." Yixing scowled but also came into the frame.

"Why can't you be as angelic as Seokjinnie?"

Tao snapped the picture while Yixing was talking. He was mid-blink and his mouth was wide open.

"This is a good photo of you, gege. You should use it as your Tinder profile pic," Seokjin said with a wink.

Tao slapped the maknae cheerfully on the back.

"Aiyo. Tao-ah is corrupting you," the man joked. He hugged the two of them and made a silly face into Tao's camera.

Later on, Seokjin flipped through his gallery.

"What a pretty decoration," he said to himself, his thumb covering his own face as he smiled fondly at the funny faces of his geges. 

* * *

 

 **[intlgoldenboy]:** my eyes are getting worse :/

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : you game too much!

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : dont pretend that you don't league too much too lol

 **[pinkwinkeu]:** hyung~ why you do you gotta expose me like that~

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : try my glasses. i think i left my spare last time i went to your practice room

 

* * *

 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* seafood porridge with BTS to start my day~ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

 

_Ding!_

An acrylic stand of Jungkook waved next to a bowl. Seokjin poked at it amusedly, rocking it back and forth.

"Don't play with your food, Jinnie," Jongdae raised a brow.

The maknae raised his own judgmental brow.

"Is he still considered the food if I'm the one usually eaten?"

Jongdae pulled a face.

"You're a _baby._ "

 

 **[guest]** : _oppa! your army package came early too?!!! :))))_

 

"As I told Luhan-ge-"

 

 **[guest]** : _hyung! youre an Army too??_

 

"-I'm _Jungkook's_ baby."

 

 **[guest]** : _who's your fav in bts?_

 **[eatjin]** : jeon jungkook! <3

 

Jongdae stole the acrylic stand as he passed. Then he tossed it into Yifan's lap.

"He's learning yours and Joonmyun-hyung's weird kinks," the vocalist joked.

"As long as he doesn't learn your voyeuristic ones," was the smart reply. 

* * *

 

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : cute right?!

_intlgoldenboy has attached an image._

 

Oh. Jungkook was wearing the glasses he left last time.

 

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : adorable!!! <3

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : if you wear your other pair next time, they can be our couple item!

 

He hated his glasses but he'd suffer through them for Jungkook, Seokjin thought. He snapped a selfie of himself as the plane landed. He wore an over-sized jumper with his glasses perched on his face. His skin was sallow from EXO-M's schedule, so he increased the filter strength on his camera.

 

_pinkwinkeu has attached an image._

**[pinkwinkeu]** : hyung, can you actually see out of them?

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : a little fuzzy. but i like the style

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : you only need to see clear enough to see my beautiful face~

 

They arrived at Incheon Airport sometime during a fading Venus and a waking songbird. EXO-M piled into the waiting van, their feet dragging across the rubber tarp, and their heads falling heavily into uneasy dreams.

Seokjin stared at his unmade bed and threw his luggage in the corner with the clothes he washed in a hotel sink. He needn't unpack. EXO-M would be back on a plane in a few days.

Minseok-hyung was in the shower and Tao-ge was face-down on the bed the maknae shared with him. Seokjin gently rolled him over and rid the other's face of the thin layer of bb cream he wore.

"Gege, I know that you're tired but you should shower, okay?" he chided the elder.

"Mmm tired," came a sleepy mumble.

Seokjin smiled softly.

"I know, I know. Shower now, rest later, okay?"

* * *

 

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : i don't need glasses to see oyu in my dreams~

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : *you

 

Seokjin fake gagged.

 

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : aish. when did you get so greasy~

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : *hyung

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : *born the same year

_intlgoldenboy has attached an image._

**[pinkwinkeu]** : that better not be a dick pic

 

"Seokjin-ah! Are you ready to go yet?" manager-hyung called out. The maknae stared at his always packed suitcase and snorted.

"Just a second, hyung-nim!"

 

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : um... does it help that it's not a pic of my dick? taehyung-hyung sent it. i swear.

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : yeah. your dick is pretty forgettable and the one in the pic is pretty nice ;)

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : yah!

 

"We're leaving!"

He grabbed his luggage and rolled it out the door. Tao stood in the doorway, stylish as ever and plopped Seokjin's pink hat on the boy's head.

"Done sexting?"

Seokjing blushed.

"I wasn't sexting! And it's Taehyung's!"

Tao looped his arm around the maknae's shoulder.

"I can spot a dick pic a mile away, _qianjin._ "

"Well I can spot thirst a mile away, and you're thirsty, gege," Seokjin teased as they made their way out of the dorm.

"Let your thirsty gege take a peek, hm~"

"Minseokie-hyung! Minseokie-hyung! Tao-ge is trying to prey on my underage boyfriend!"

"Yah! Jinnie! I did no such thing!"

"No _suck_ thing you mean!"

"It's of his group mate! His adult group mate!"

"MINSEOKIE-HYUNG!"

"YAH! SHUT YOUR MOUTH, KIM SEOKJIN!"

"JOONMYUN HYUNG!"

"What racket are you two causing?" Kyungsoo wearily blinked the sleep from his eyes. 

"OUR LITTLE JIN JIN HAS A DICK PIC ON HIS PHONE! OUR QIANJIN IS GROWING UP!"

"What is this I hear about my baby?" Joonmyun smiled menacingly at the trio.

Jongdae returned from the van and peeked through the doorway.

"Remember, hyung? Not _your_ baby," he winked.

The temperature in the living room dropped.

"I'm going to need to talk with that boy of yours," the leader snarled.

Seokjin shoved Tao to the ground in his mad rush to flee to the safety of the van.

 

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : you can bring taehyung-hyung to our next date. joonmyun-hyung would like a word with you both.

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : ... um ...

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : yoongi-hyung says that he can only kill one of us bc jimin can't be our only vocalist

**[pinkwinkeu]: ...**

**[pinkwinkeu]** : #vminforever

 

* * *

This was his third day wearing his navy blue sweater. It smelled of layers of sweat and cologne alternatively, muted with Jongdae's scent deodorizer. He'd change but then his hair would be messed up and there was simply no time for it to be fixed. M had been refreshing their makeup in bathroom mirrors.

In an attempt to stay decently clean, each member had gone through boxes of baby wipes, enough that a cashier congratulated manager-hyung on his newborn after his second time there.

Hyunkyun nodded with an embarrassed flush before scurrying away.

"My seven giant babies," he smiled as he slid the van door open. The boys were asleep. He set the bags with snacks and herbal energy drinks by Yifan's feet. The wipes he put in the trunk, and the third bag he hid in his backpack. It was full of chocolate bars and a lunchbox stuffed full of ice packs and ice cream. The boys deserved a treat after the crazy schedule they had.

Now he just had to make sure the other managers didn't find out that he planned on deviating from the boys' diets.

* * *

Minwook peered into Hyunkyun's backpack. The younger manager stared at him.

"They're for me, _obviously,_ " he said. The older shook his head.

"It's alright. I bought them those croquettes Seokjin-ah was drooling over."

Hyunkyun held his hand up for a high-five.

Minwook shook his head and took both their backpack up to Jongdae's room where the boys were sure to have gathered.

* * *

Interview. Variety show. Interview. Radio. Guerilla concert. Filming.

Shoot now, rest later, okay?

* * *

"My _qianjin_ who shines like a bright sunflower~"

Seokjin gave Luhan an unimpressed glare.

"Gege," the maknae sighed. " _Fine._ You can take a shower first, even though you lost at rock-paper-scissors!"

"Yes!"

"You owe me a meal, though!"

The maknae surveyed the wreckage of their hotel room.

Pack now, rest later, okay?

* * *

Seokjin loved their comeback song.

"Call me baby~"

"Save your voice for recording, kkaepseong?" Baekhyun handed him a bottle of honey water.

Sing now, rest later, okay?

* * *

His headache was so strong that it felt like an actual drum.

"Again!"

He fell to his knees and practice began anew.

Dance now, rest later, okay?

* * *

 

 **[guest]** : _oppa! who's your fav exo member?'_

 **[eatjin]** : seokjin-sshi!

 **[guest]** : _but chen-sshi's voice is so good!_

 **[guest]** : _isn't baekhyun the sexiest??_

 **[guest]** : _kyungsoo has a voice of an angel!_

 **[guest]** : _why do you like seokjin-sshi?_

 

He smiled sadly at his phone. Why indeed?

 

 **[eatjin]** : because he's beautiful

' _Untalented,'_ his traitorous mind whispered. ' _Unnecessary.'_

A decoration.

 **[guest]** : _he is_

 **[guest]** : _definitely_

 **[guest]** : _all the members are?_

 **[guest]** : _i'm so envious of his skin!_

 **[guest]** : _he's the prettiest member <3_

 

Seokjin smiled gratefully. One day, he swore, he'd have fans that loved him for his voice or his acting but for now, his face was an acceptable substitute. 

Useless now, helpful later, okay? 

* * *

 

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : how's my princess doing~

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : stuck in a vocal tower. send help

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : only the shiniest knight for the prettiest princess

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : kk. tell yoongi-hyung that i'll be waiting for him  (๑> ₃ <) ♥

 

* * *

Bangtan won their first music show for "I Need U." Seokjin was in China at the time, clapping happily as he streamed the show on his phone.

 

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : congratttttssssss!!!!!!!o(≧∇≦o)(o≧∇≦)o

 

"I knew you'd make it, hyung," he whispered to the dark hotel room. On the other bed, Yixing rolled over and groaned.

 

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : i wish u were here

 

The Beijing lights twinkled.

"I wish that I could be there too," he smiled sadly, but honestly, he wouldn't give up time with his hyungs for anything in the world.

Work now, love later, okay?

* * *

"They're really excited to meet you!" Jungkook said shyly. The dancer gripped Seokjin's hand tightly in anxiety as they climbed up the stairs to BTS' dorm.

"Don't worry, JK. They're going to be wishing that they can switch maknaes after they see my handsome face," Seokjin said with a wink.

Jungkook rolled his eyes.

"Don't joke. They'll really trade me for someone who can cook!" Jungkook whined. Seokjin giggled as he leaned in for a peck.

"I'll just have to teach you, hm? Hands-on training is the best for cooking~"

"NO UNDERAGE PDA IN THE HALLWAY!"

Seokjin laughed as he pulled back.

"Which hyung do I have to try extra hard to impress, now?"

Jungkook snorted.

"All of my hyungs are easy."

"WE HEARD THAT, JEON JUNGKOOK!"

"That was Jiminie."

"IT'S HYUNG! JIMINIE- _HYUNG!"_

"Annyeonghaseyo, Jiminie-hyung!" Seokjin called sweetly.

A beat.

"I LIKE THIS NEW MAKNAE BETTER THAN YOU!"

Jungkook nudged Seokjin towards the open BTS door where his hyungs were valiantly pretending not to be peering out of.

"See? Easy to please."

Seokjin laughed squeakily.

Taehyung's eyes lit up in glee.

Jungkook rolled his eyes again. Seokjin hadn't taken a step inside the dorms and two of his hyungs were already smitten.

A bat, dammit. He needed a bat to beat away all of these admirers.

The door clicked behind them.

"Hyungs? Boyfriend. Boyfriend, hyungs," he introduced. Seokjin giggled again and bowed.

"Annyeonghaseyo. I'm Jungkook's math tutor, Kim Seokjin!"

Hoseok hugged him first.

"Of course! EXO's maknae, right? Jungkook watches nothing but fancams of you~"

" _Hyung,_ " the maknae stressed, embarrassed.

"Oh!" Taehyung smiled slyly, "You mean the maknae that Jungkook monitors all the fan ships for? Which was his least favorite again? TaoJin? SeJin?"

Seokjin was full-blown laughing.

"Hyung! Really?" he raised a judgmental brow.

Jungkook pouted.

"They're almost the same age as us! And really clingy!" Still wrapped inside Hoseok's arms, Seokjin sent the other maknae a flying kiss.

"Mwaaah! You're just jealous because Sehunnie-hyung has the same shoulders as me!"

"Christ. They're cute," Yoongi groaned from the kitchen. He grabbed another handful of cereal from the box, too lazy to retrieve a bowl, spoon, and milk.

"Annyeonghaseyo. I'm Bangtan's leader, Rap Monster, but you can call me Namjoon-hyung," the man said with a dimpled smile.

"Ah! With the automatic stick?"

Another beat of silence, broken by Yoongi's snorts.

"That rap is going to be written on your gravestone Joon-ah." Said rapper looked horrified.

"Oho? What is this delicious tea being spilled?" Hoseok asked curiously with steepled fingers. Taehyung joined him.

Seokjin unwound himself from the dancer's arms and sidled back up to Jungkook who watched as the teapot boiled in his boyfriend's head.

"I have the song on my phone! Let me find it!" The maknae smiled with a hint of evil. Jimin and Taehyung crowded around him.

"Here it is!" Jungkook didn't comment on how the song was favorited.

_-got an automatic dick got an automatic stick got an automatic-_

-blared through the room.

"Hyung," Taehyung stared at his leader seriously. "I've never been more proud of you." He clapped the man on the back.

"Hyung," Jimin stared at his leader with confusion. "I don't understand? I know 'dick' but what's 'ah-ma-ick?'" Namjoon breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hyung," Jungkook stared at his leader in judgment. "Who describes their dick as a stick???"

"It _rhymes,_ okay?" the rapper defended. "I'm surprised that you've heard of that song." Namjoon laughed nervously.

Seokjin's eyes grew wide.

"Of course! It's Chanyeolie-hyung's favorite mixtape right now! Fan-ge really like it too! He says that you're pretty fluent in English."

"Um, thanks?" Namjoon turned his head to the side in embarassment, only to be faced with Yoongi's stare.

"Oh! Before I forget!" Seokjin handed the bag in his hands to Jungkook. "I brought macaroons!"

Jungkook obediently spread the boxes on the table. He pulled out a stack of cds and waved them at the younger.

"Those are signed copies of our next album. Special Edition: Seokjin! See?" he cracked a photobook open. There were the customary group pictures but the back several pages were full shots of the boy. A bundle of stickers and postcards with the maknae's face fell out.

Jungkook's expression darkened.

"I'm confiscating those."

Taehyung snatched two and handed the second to his fellow 95 liner.

"Score! I'm going to dream of being cradled by his shoulders."

"Give it back!" Jungkook whined as he dashed after his hyung. "Sehun has the same shoulders, and you're the same age!"

Seokjin laughed as he watched the maknae line play. The hyung line smiled at them fondly from the door.

"Kookie said that you guys have a schedule soon?"

Namjoon nodded.

"Yeah. It's short though; you can stay here in the meanwhile? Sorry for being bad hosts," the man bowed sheepishly.

"Oh no no! Don't worry, hyung! We planned it this way!"

...

"What do you mean 'you planned this?'" Yoongi set down his box on the nearest flat surface, making Hoseok cringe. He'd have to clean that up later.

Seokjin sent the eldest an exaggerated wink.

"It's a surprise~" the vocalist sang before he disappeared into the kitchen with his other bag.

...

"Jungkook's coming with us, right?" Hoseok asked nervously.

"Yes," Namjoon confirmed.

"Even if he wasn't, I'd drag him along. There's no way we're getting sexiled from our own dorm," Yoongi marched towards the maknae line. The sooner they finished their meeting with management, the less time EXO's maknae would have to execute his and Jungkook's shady plan.

* * *

He lied. They should have taken three walks around the park, stopped for ice cream, and learned a new group dance.

When they returned, Seokjin was in the midst of cooking. The smell of spicy braised chicken wafted through the dorm, accompanied by the bubbling of what the boys assumed was soup. Their mouths watered.

"You're screwed, kid," Yoongi said as he took off his shoes. "You know what they say about wives that cook well; you can never leave them."

"Guess I'm never leaving him then," the maknae replied haughtily.

"You're back already?" Seokjin peeked his head out. Jungkook smiled at him.

"Need help?" he asked even as he made his way into the tiny kitchen.

"Disgusting," Hoseok said with a smile.

"Sickingly sweet," Yoongi grunted.

"Tooth-rotting," Namjoon laughed as he ushered the rest of them fully inside. Jimin and Taehyung nodded towards each other.

"We need to up our skinship."

The hyung line prayed for their sanity.

"So... one of us should probably 'help' them?" Namjoon asked hesitantly.

"Cockblock, you mean," crooned Hoseok.

"Yeah. That. Not me; I'd probably burn down the dorm," the leader shrugged.

"Cleaning fairy Hoseok is going to clean! Woohoo! Who's with me!" his bandmates weighed their options.

"I'll help you, hyung," Jimin said with a smile.

"Yaaah! Jiminie! Our little angel~" The pair bounded towards the living room, arms wrapped each other's shoulders.

"I vote Yoongi-hyung!" Taehyung exclaimed as he dashed towards his fellow beagle line.

"Yah! Taehyung you Daegu snitch! Come back here!"

"Well, hyung," Namjoon tried to reason.

"Shut up, Namjoon. If I even see a peek of tongue, I'm going to burn this entire dorm with you all in it."

Thankfully, there was no moist appendages in the kitchen. The two maknaes were surprisingly efficient cooks. Jungkook was in charge of the soup and rice while Seokjin was keeping a careful eye on the chicken and prepared the side dishes.

Yoongi was relegated to being a messenger boy. He set the table and climbed over the maknaes in an attempt to garner enough dishes for them all. They were short a couple but they were close enough to share so he didn't bother trying to find questionable objects that could double as bowls.

"Too spicy?" Seokjin blew gently on the sauce before he fed it to Jungkook.

"Mmmm, let's add some green onions?" was the feedback.

"Alright." A peck on the cheek. No tongue. Yoongi sighed in relief.

Jungkook wrapped his arm around the younger's waist, his chin hooked over the other's shoulder as he surveyed the glory of the finished chicken.

"Looks good," BTS' maknae grunted. Seokjin giggled.

"Food is about _taste!_ "

Another peck on the cheek.

"Tastes good," Jungkook smiled.

Ugh, Yoongi internally groaned. They were too cutesy for words.

Both of Jungkook's hands were around the boy's waist.

"Hands where I can see them!"

Yoongi did not imagine the way Jungkook planted his hands firmly on the other's butt where his hands were in full view of Yoongi's eyes.

"Brat," he said warningly.

"Yes, hyung," Jungkook said with a pout.

It was Seokjin's turn to plant one of his hands on Jungkook's posterior while the other continued to stir the soup.

"What are you going to do about me, hyung~" he said cheekily. Yoongi's eyes narrowed.

"I have your your hyungs on speed dial," the rapper threatened.

"Which one?" he retrieved a cloth and shifted the soup pot off of the burner.

"Kyungsoo."

The maknaes froze.

 _Oh no._ The salty duo _knew_ each other.

" _How?_ " Seokjin said with horror was he pulled his hand out of Jungkook's pocket and began hefting the soup to the table.

"Are you going to expose me after I've cooked for you?" God. That pout with those lips were a killer combination. Yoongi turned his head. Jungkook stared at him knowingly.

"Let's eat," he said instead.

Bangtan gathered around the table.

"To BTS' third win!" Seokjin toasted with his bowl of rice. Beside him, Jungkook beamed happily. They were pressed together.

"To homemade meals!"

"To health!"

"To happiness!"

"To youth!"

"To youth!" they chorused together.

Seokjin happily stuffed a piece of perfectly cooked chicken in his mouth. There were moans of appreciation around the table. Jungkook rested a hand on Seokjin's nape.

"Wanf e aur venth member?" Taehyung said around a bite of rice and kimchi.

"Nope. I like having twelve hyungs who spoil me!" Seokjin replied with a grin.

Jimin nodded sagely. That made a lot of sense. Plenty of hyungs with a cultural obligation to pay.

The dancer gave his own hyungs the stink-eye that they pretended not to see.

"Besides, I don't want to have to fight Taehyung-hyung for visual," Seokjin winked at the other boy who winked back.

"It's not even a fight," Jungkook said convincingly. Seokjin beamed at him.

"You're prime boyfriend material, oppa."

"YAH! HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!"

Whatever. Jungkook needed to stake his claim before Seokjin managed to charm all of his hyungs and they got it into their heads that they had a chance. They didn't. No chance whatsoever.

Zip. Nil.

He'd sabotage them if he had to.

At least he had a headstart with bribing Seokjin's hyungs. He was reasonable certain that he was Yifan-hyung's favorite BTS member.

* * *

One of the bedroom doors clicked shut when Seokjin returned from BTS' dorm. The lights were off; most of the members returned home for their short break. Living so close, Seokjin took day trips to see his family instead of traveling like the others did.

"Jinnie?" Yifan looked up from where he just closed Joonmyun's, Sehun's, and Seokjin's room.

"Ah, ge. You can... you can stay in there?" the maknae blushed. He'd seen the #krisho on Twitter.

Yifan had his serious face on.

"Let's give Joonmyun some time," he said as he motioned Seokjin to the living room.

This didn't bode well.

"Has... has something happened?" the boy asked worriedly. Yifan's warm hand was on his back.

" _Qianjin._ "

Seokjin stared up at Yifan's sorrowful eyes.

"Jinnie, qianjin, _I'm sorry_."

Faintly, he heard the telltale sound of sobs, muffled by the door and potentially a pillow.

Distantly, he heard the telltale voices of a drama on tv, left on by a member who'd forgotten to turn it off.

"I'm so sorry." Yifan's warm arms came to wrap around him.

'I don't know what you're sorry for,' Seokjin wanted to say but he knew.

He'd known but refused to acknowledge it.

"I... I'm still trying to work it out with management but-" SM was stubborn, they knew. But they also knew that Yifan had a solid case against them; Seokjin would testify against the company if he had to. Still, SM wouldn't let the rapper go without a fight.

"I don't..." he needed Yifan to say those words. He needed to hear it to believe it.

"I'm leaving SM," the man said but Seokjin shook his head. His fingers clutched at his empty bags.

"I'm leaving EXO," the rapper relented. Yes. That was better, more accurate.

"I'm sorry."

Seokjin stared at the hidden tears in Yifan's eyes, or were those his own tears overlaying with his image of Yifan? Were they both crying? He couldn't tell.

"Don't- don't be sorry," the maknae said instead.

The maknae cried, heaving sobs wracking his body.

"Don't be- don't be sorry. Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry," he chanted.

"I'm sorry," the man repeated.

"Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry."

 _'Be happy,'_ Seokjin thought as he remained in Yifan's arms. 'Don't be sorry; be happy, even if it's without us.'

" _Qianjin, qianjin,_ " Yifan whispered as he cradled Seokjin's head.

"Be happy," the maknae pleaded through a curtain of tears. "I'll be happy as long as you're happy."

"Like mother, like son, huh? Joonmyun said the same thing," Yifan mused. His hands rubbed comforting circles on the maknae's back.

Seokjin clutched the man's torso. He'd be selfish for once; he could be a bratty, clingy maknae just this once.

"To happiness," he toasted brokenly. _'To happiness; to health; to youth.'_

He sobbed into the white t-shirt, his tears causing a snotty pattern that Yifan laughed at. The older man rubbed circles into his back. They didn't make it to the sofa, the two of them awkwardly standing by the shoe rack.

"Hey, ge?" the maknae asked once he stopped hiccupping.

"...yes?" the man replied hesitantly.

"Can I have your superpower then?" he tried to lighten the mood.

Yifan laughed, full-bellied and deep but wobbly due to his tears. Using his muscles, the man rocked the two of them side-to-side.

"What do you need flight for, Seokjinnie?"

"To fly with, of course. Stupid ge," he teased. Yixing-ge said that his shoulders were meant for wings but wings didn't mean flight, and Seokjin needed to be able to fly to see Yifan again.

He needed to fly across oceans and land, through the stars and across the moon.

Like Peter Pan.

Ha. Get it? Like their song? How did it go again?

_'-It’s a bit of a sad thing that we can’t go back to that time-'_

Seokjin clutched at the wet shirt deliriously. Where was Tao and his time control powers when they were needed?

No. Turning back time wouldn't do anything for Yifan. He'd still be mistreated by management.

"Breathe in." He didn't know when he'd stopped.

A hand patted his back.

' _I don't want you to go,_ ' he wanted to sob but held it in. He couldn't ask that of his ge.

"Be happy," he said instead.

"What makes you think that I'm not happy with you guys now?" There was a flash of teeth as Yifan tried to smile.

His words only made Seokjin cry harder.

"You're leaving, aren't you?"

"I'm sorry," Yifan muttered into his hair.

"Don't be sorry."

Seokjin needed to believe that Yifan planned to leave EXO of his own volition, that this was for his benefit, not because management had backed him against a wall.

He needed to believe that the company that gave him a family wasn't the same company tearing it apart.

He needed something to believe in.

Strength now, weakness later, okay?

* * *

 

 ✧･ﾟ: _✧･ﾟ:_ look at the spicy chicken i made!!! looks good, right?! _:･ﾟ✧_ :･ﾟ✧

 

 

**[guest]** : _oppa! you've been busy huh?_

 **[guest]** : _hyung's posts always make me happy~ you're so bubbly_

 **[guest]** : _u rarely cook!_

 **[eatjin]** : i only cook on special occasions~ (❁º◡º❁)

 **[guest]** : _oho?_

 **[guest]** : _what's the special occasion?_

 **[guest]** : _oppa! i could really use some happy news right now!! :)_

 

Seokjin stared down at his phone.

"That makes the two of us."

He was in the living room, snuggled in Baekhyun's bed as he listened to Yifan try to comfort Joonmyun. Around them, Seoul was quiet; traffic dead as it neared four am.

Seokjin needed something to believe in.

"Congrats to Bangtan Sonyeondan for their third win with 'I Need U!'" the television announced.

To happiness, to health, to youth.

 

 **[eatjin]** : to bts' third win of course! 

 

To EXO, to Yifan, to living a life worth living. 

Alien now, be human later, okay? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super long chapter~ I realized that I didn't have enough BTS/Jin interactions, so I added those all in last minute which is why this chapter is so loooonnggg~ But it's still weird. :/ The ending was like, 100X more depressing originally, so I fluffed the heck out of it. :D 
> 
> While writing this chapter, I hated it. Then I wrote more fluff and was like, it's okay? But now it's posted and I hate it even more. -_- *sigh* 
> 
> Please leave comments because they're really motivating~ >_<


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY FOURTH! (If you live in the States.) 
> 
> Um. Warning. This is like, 6000 words of rant. I'm ranting. Much angry. There were tears involved but also all the anger. 
> 
> Also, I hope everyone likes this chapter! :) Most of it wasn't in my rough outline, so it's massively messing up the plot for the next chapter but still! I'm happy with it! (❁´◡`❁)

When Yifan announced that he was leaving SM and consequently EXO, Seokjin was inconsolable. He cried and cried, huddled on his bed. Not once did he text Jungkook. The other maknae was busy after Bangtan's winning streak, and Seokjin didn't want to taint that rose period with his drama.

Instead, he cuddled against Kyungsoo, the vocalist stroking his hair softly as the sun rose and set. Seokjin buried his nose into Jungkook's hoodie, the one he snatched after a music show, and let the sounds of the other members arguing lull him to sleep.

"It'll all work out," Kyungsoo murmured in his ear.

Seokjin tucked his cold toes against the other's calves, curled in on himself like a shrimp.

"I never took you for an optimist, hyung," the maknae gently teased.

Kyungsoo looked up from the mousy brown hair and up at Chanyeol who stared down at them. He beckoned the older closer.

"There's nothing wrong with wishing, Seokjin-ah."

Seokjin buried his face deeper and yelped when he felt Chanyeol's long frame squished onto the twin-sized bed. For once, the bubbly rapper was quiet as he stretched himself around his dongsaengs.

"What do you wish for? Hyungs will make it happen." Chanyeol whispered.

"It's not my birthday yet, hyung," the maknae replied. They all knew, however, that by the time December 4th came, it would be too late for Seokjin to use his birthday wish.

Yifan would be long gone by then.

* * *

Yifan's meetings with the company dragged out for months. During that time, EXO was forbidden to tell anyone of the news, even other SM artists.

 

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : wanna hang out? :)

 

Seokjin stared at Yifan's puffy eyes. The man slept uneasily in his arms, tossing and turning and muttering. Seokjin smoothed down the man's fringe and sang tidbits of the Chinese lullabies he learned from Luhan.

 

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : can't. nxt time?

 

* * *

 

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : we're going on tour. i might not be able to see you for a while

 

* * *

 

 **[guest]** : _have you heard about bts' world tour?_  
**[guest]** : _tickets are already sold out where i live! :((((_  
**[guest]** : _eatjin! are you going to go?_  
**[eatjin]** : no. :( i have a family thing

 

Yifan had taken to sleeping in the maknae's bed; it was the one place where the others wouldn't raise their voices or try to convince him to take back the lawsuit. It was here that he could sleep in peace, unfettered by angry voices.

Seokjin shifted his arm. Pinpricks of feeling danced across his nerves as he flexed his fingers.

"Hm? I should-" the man's uncoordinated, sleepy limbs flopped under the covers. He should probably go back to his own room; he couldn't keep hiding behind the maknae.

"Ssshh." Seokjin stroked the blond head.

"How is Sehunnie going to fit on this bed too? I've already kicked him out a couple of times this week."

Seokjin rolled his eyes.

"If we kick him out, he'd be happy to sleep with Joonmyun-hyung or Lu-ge."

"Or I could just sleep with you guys?" Sehun dripped water onto the floorboards.

"Aish. The tallest member plus the broadest two shoulders on a queen bed sounds like a recipe for disaster."

They squeezed together. Ultimately, only Seokjin's feet were covered due to the _extreme_ height of his bedmates; his companions whined loudly about their cold toes.

"Hey. Room for one more?"

No, Joonmyun-hyung. There was _not_ any more room.

"Ooof!"

Seokjin was pressed against the wall as Joonmyun tried to snuggle into any available spot.

"Hyung! It's supposed to be the kids crawling into the parents' bed, not the other way around!"

* * *

"Goonight! Eat healthy, okay?"

"Why?" Jungkook teased on the other line. "You eat enough for the both of us!"

"Yah! JK! Are you calling me fat?!" Seokjin laughed.

He heard the other boy shuffle on the line.

"I'd never," the vocalist said fondly. "You don't eat enough, really."

Seokjin snorted.

"It takes a lot of food to sustain shoulders this wide, you know."

Another rustle and the quiet murmur of a second voice.

"Hey, I have to go now. We have an early flight."

"Oh, ok." Seokjin glanced at his screen. 17% battery and it just turned three am.

"Good night, Jinnie."

"Night night, JK."

_I love you._

"You didn't talk to him about Yifan?" Kyungsoo asked from the door. Seokjin slouched in their dance practice room, his belongings scattered on the floor and he was covered in a film of sweat.

He shook his head as the elder held out his hand and dragged the maknae up.

"One of us deserves to be happy right now."

Kyungsoo remained quiet as Seokjin packed his things. Together, they made their way back to the dorm.

Outside, it was dreary. They climbed over wads of wet newspapers to cross the street. The lamps were dim, the light flickering on their forms as they passed underneath.

Kyungsoo's fingers interlaced with his as the man began singing Miracles in December.

"Spoilers, hyung!" Seokjin joked. The vocalist gave him a heart-shaped smile. Their winter album was set to launch days after Seokjin's birthday.

"No one can hear, Jinnie," Kyungsoo replied but stopped singing.

(Spoiler alert: there were no such things as miracles.)

* * *

The concert was loud and boisterous. It thrilled him that BTS was getting the recognition they deserved; Seokjin was proud that his JK was a part of it.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* _who else thought that the concert was LIT???!!!_ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

 

 **[guest]** : _oppa! i thought that you couldn't go?_

 

_Ding!_

"Why couldn't you go?" Yifan asked him with a puzzled brow. They were in the worst possible seats, far away from the stage. Most people this far back were too busy focusing on their telescopic cameras or binoculars to bother looking at them.

Seokjin shrugged.

"I thought that we had a schedule," he lied. Yifan nodded as they turned back to the large screen where BTS made cute faces into the camera.

'I can see Jungkook anytime but I won't be able to see you after this,' the maknae thought sadly.

His phone buzzed.

 

 **[su-hoe]** : i have reservations at his fav

 

He smiled down at the text. On the concert screen, the members bowed before performing their last song.

"Hey," Seokjin tugged on the elder's sleeve. "Joonmyun-hyung's waiting for us."

 

 **[guest]** : poor oppa! your seats look really far away!  
**[guest]** : at least you got a good shot of all of the fans and bangtan bombs!

 

He ushered the six foot two man through the aisles. Being so far back, it was easy for them to exit onto the street where Joonmyun sat in his tiny hybrid car.

"It's efficient for Seoul!" the man defended against Yifan's judgmental brow.

 

 **[eatjin]** : i don't care about the seats! i got to see jungkook! <3

 

Yifan grumbled as he stooped low to fit his head into their leader's compact car. His knees scrunched up against his chest.

"Serves you right, being a giant," the driver laughed gleefully, _sadistically._

 

 **[guest]** : _haha. staying true to your bias, hyung!_  
**[guest]** : _eatjin is so cute! :3_  
**[guest]** : _we should go see a bts concert together!_  
**[guest]** : _did you go alone?_

 

Up front, the two bickered. Yifan was clearly not impressed with Joonmyun's driving.

"Sorry that I don't drive like a snow maniac!"

"I didn't learn to drive in Canada! I learned here!"

"Well!" Joonmyun pouted. "There's a baby on board! I have to drive safely!"

"Not-" Seokjin smiled.

"DON'T SAY IT!"

 

 **[eatjin]** : of course not!

 

"Yah! Yah! That's not how you parallel park!" Yifan screeched.

"If you're going to fucking mansplain parallel parking to me Wu Yifan, I'm going to fucking run you over."

"But-"

Seokjin leaned forward and clasped both of his hands around Yifan's mouth.

"I know that you hate your meetings with management, ge, but leaving EXO via death by Joonmyun-hyung strangling you is _not_ the way to go."

Yifan snorted. Joonmyun gave the maknae a grateful look before he successfully parked.

On their way to the restaurant, Yifan finally spoke.

"Joon-ah is a little too experienced with strangling to accidentally kill me."

Seokjin didn't know what was louder, his or Joonmyun's screams.

* * *

 

 **[eatjin]:** i went with my ge

 

* * *

"I heard... is Fan-hyung really leaving SM?" Jungkook asked.

Seokjin could break the radio silence rule without a second thought but he didn't; rumors were already circulating, after all. He gave a non-committal hum and suggested that the publicity would make negotiations easier for Yifan.

"I mean, he just wants equal treatment, you know?"

There was a rustle that Seokjin assumed meant that Jungkook had nodded.

"Right! I remember how he was basically benched for months in Korea! He had dumplings with us almost every day!"

"Yeah," Seokjin said softly. "And then he'd have to fly non-stop between Korea and China without rest, and we'd have to be a part of K's promotions even though they weren't a part of ours, and..."

Seokjin wiped away a stray tear.

"It was just hard, you know?" No. Jungkook didn't know. Seokjin loved being a part of M but he'd lost track of the number of skipped meals, the vigorous schedule, the unsanitary conditions of being shoved in a tiny van and then a tiny plane, packed together like they were clothes that had to fit into a carry-on.

He couldn't imagine how much harder it was for Yifan, for the man to have to hear their complaints but without power to alleviate their pains, how he had to listen to corporate's demands for more press, more shoots, more appearances while not actually having super powers.

"-but how is my famous boyfriend doing?" Seokjin diverted. He giggled, interjecting just the right amount of lift and squeak.

Jungkook laughed back. His voice was breathy and exhilarated as he told Seokjin about everything he'd seen and done. He spoke of how happy he was when fans greeted them at the airport, the quiet happiness the group had when the MCs don't need nametags for them anymore.

Seokjin listened quietly with a smile, still curled up on his bunk with his blankets pooled around his feet.

He laughed and joked when appropriate and not once did he tell Jungkook that he couldn't breathe, that the world was closing in and he was being buried alive.

No.

When they hung up, Seokjin put in his earbuds. He knew better than to listen to Growl or Mama, so he looped Fools and Paper Hearts and let Jungkook's voice lull him through the suffocation and into the air.

* * *

 

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : gnite kookie!  
**[intlgoldenboy]** : night babe. tmr at the coffee shop, right?

 

* * *

 

 **[pinkwinkeu]** : hey, i can't make it

 

* * *

They day before Yifan's flight from Seoul to Hong Kong, he and Seokjin shopped. The man drank his bottle of Coke as he watched Seokjin squirm.

"It hurts, right?" the maknae asked with wide eyes.

"Just a sting. You don't have you, you know," Yifan chuckled.

"But... I want to!" he stared determinedly at the woman in front of him.

"Ready?" she asked.

He nodded.

"Okay."

And that was how Seokjin had his ears pierced for the first time. Tears leaked from his eyes.

"Owww. It _aches!_ " he whined. Yifan rolled his eyes and handed the boy an ice cream cone.

"Yes!" 

 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* _ice cream in the winter? of course! i scream for ice cream all the time!_ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

 

* * *

Sehun and Seokjin waved from the back of the van.

"Aish," Jongdae grumbled. "Guys!" he called back to the rest of EXO. "One of us has to be a mafia don sitting in-between the shoulder gangster squad!"

A chorus of whines erupted from the sidewalk.

"Jongin's a maknae too! Let him!"

The boy climbed into the middle seat. He pointed to his thighs.

"Dancer's thighs; not going to fit."

Truth. Having the three maknaes sit together was cruel and unusual punishment.

"Tao?" Joonmyun suggested.

"And hear him whine for the entire duration?" Jongdae snorted.

Another round of grunts. Tao climbed in next to Jongin, and they high-fived.

"Kyung-" The vocalist karate-chopped Chanyeol in the throat.

The rapper was also out of the question-

"-because those ears won't fit between those shoulders," Jongin roasted.

Going up the age line was...

"Jongdae."

"Fine," the vocalist sighed.

" _Nooooo,_ " the shoulder gangsters whined.

"WwwweeeEH? What's wrong with me?" the man asked, offended.

"We want Lu-ge/hyung!"

"What? No no no! I'm happy right here!" Luhan was comfortably nested between Minseok and Baekhyun who were just happy that they were off the hook.

The this was, however, that there were only two people Luhan could never refuse, and they both happened to be shoulder gangsters.

" _Fine,_ but say that I'm manly."

"You're so manly," Sehun said in a dead voice.

"The manliest," Seokjin reiterated.

" _So_ manly."

"You dropped your manly antler hat, manly man," Seokjin held up said hat.

"Oh no. How can something so manly fit atop his manly head?" Sehun continued.

"Aish. You two are the worst," Luhan pouted as he snuggled between the two of them. "How did you guys even grow so big?"

"Joon-hyung fed me milk," Sehun said as he stretched his long legs.

"Fan-ge fed me sweets."

"I _told_ him to feed you milk, didn't I?" Joonmyun muttered fiercely. Beside him, Chanyeol faced straight ahead and tried not to agitate their leader.

"Oh! And a lot of eggs since Yifan-ge doesn't eat chicken."

Other than the two maknaes and Joonmyun, the rest of the van was silent, even the manager driving. Yifan wasn't with them. He was busy packing in the dorm while the rest of them had a schedule.

" _How could I let a man that doesn't eat chicken raise my child?!_ "

Sehun reached around Luhan to squeeze Seokjin's shoulder.

"I'm sorry that you had to grow up without chicken."

Seokjin eyed him slyly.

"You say as if I didn't guilt him into buying me beef instead."

Sehun retracted his hand and pouted.

"EOMMA!"

Luhan shifted uneasily, and Seokjin ignored the movement, instead reveling in the man's warmth. It was going to be a priceless commodity soon, these memories.

* * *

"Here." Yifan pressed a small box into his hands. Curious, Seokjin immediately peeked inside. Then back at the man, where a pair of studs were missing.

"An heirloom from me to you, for when your ear heals." Tiny black diamonds set in hypoallergic silver studs. Earrings that Seokjin had seen Yifan wear throughout their trainee years, earrings that passed through coordi-noona's wardrobe changes, studs that were as much a part of Yifan as his rings and his height.

Seokjin leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Yifan's cheek.

"You're the best leader, gege," he whispered, "but don't tell Joonymun-hyung."

Yifan hugged him in reply and placed his own kiss atop the boy's hair.

The maknae could help the shudder and the tears that fell.

"Ssshh. Visuals aren't allowed to cry, qianjin," the elder joked. "I need you to uphold EXO-M's visual standards in my place."

His words made Seokjin cry harder. He didn't want to take anyone's place, much less Yifan's.

The airport was quiet except for the sound of Seokjin sobbing. Some of his EXO hyungs stood behind him but not all. Some of them, like Tao, were furious over Yifan's decision.

"You're the best leader," the maknae murmured again as manager-hyung tugged him away.

As much as the other EXO hyungs loved their maknae, Yifan loved him more and Seokjin would never forget that.

"You're the best, gege."

Joonmyun appeared and placed a hand on manager-hyung's arm. He opened his arms and hugged the taller man.

"Hey, hey, don't you start crying too," Yifan teased.

At some point, he stopped joking.

"Please don't cry," he whispered. Seokjin held onto the back of Joonmyun's shirt.

They tried, gulping down the sting. They put on brave faces as Yifan disappeared through the security gate. They knew that if they cried, if they fell apart in public, Yifan would too.

* * *

 

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : we're gonna go on the intl part of our tour soon... so, i'll see you when i get back?

 

* * *

SM announced Yifan's departure. It was simple.

Kris was gone.

 _Ding!_  
_Ding!_  
_Ding!_  
_Ding!_

Seokjin posted a photo of Yifan on EatJin every day after the announcement.

He listened to the notification ring go off on his hyungs' phones with pleasure.

 _Ding!_  
_Ding!_

* * *

"Don't do it."

Tao glared at him.

"Don't tell me what to do, Seokjin-ah."

"Don't do it, Tao-ge," the maknae begged. " _Please._ "

"This doesn't concern you."

* * *

Tao's public letter to Yifan was scathing. Seokjin recoiled just from reading it.

* * *

_Ding!_

He posted his favorite photos of Yifan, each from a reputable campaign that any fan could find on the internet. He dearly wished that he could post his own pictures of the man, of the silly faces or with his cheeks stuffed with food.

 _Ding!_  
_Ding!_

Some of the members silenced their EatJin notifications but he didn't care.

 _Ding!_  
_Ding!_

* * *

OT12, some fans chanted.

OT13, others cheered.

"You're my!"

On the television, Jungkook sang.

"Everything!"

"Bang! Tan!" Seokjin cheered because he could never go back to OT13, and he'd never feel okay with OT12.

(But also, he knew that it wouldn't be OT12 much longer.)

* * *

"Seokjin-ah. You need to calm down," Joonmyun tried to quell his anger but the maknae was not having any of it.

"How can they say those things?! How can they not know?!" He's spitting angry, red creeping up his neck like a rash.

"What do you mean?"

Seokjin's eyes narrow at him.

"How can they not realize that he did this for them?"

Joonmyun's eyes softened.

"Jinnie-ah."

" _No._ I won't let them... I won't let them do this to him. They're _hypocrites,_ " he spat.

"Jin-"

"You know, don't you hyung?" the maknae's eyes glowed with fury.

"What do I know?" the leader asked, resigned.

"They're going to leave too."

"We don't... we don't _know_ that."

Seokjin laughed, rough and deep. It was nothing like the squeaky windshield wiper squeak that Joonmyun was accustomed to.

" _They_ don't know but _we_ do, don't we hyung?"

Joonmyun sighed and his strength left him.

"Yes. I know."

Joonmyun was trained to be observant, and Seokjin grew up learning his hyungs' cues. They knew, with cognizant accuracy, what thoughts flew through the other members at any time.

Luhan and Tao would leave EXO too.

Seokjin didn't have a doubt; he _knew._

(He _saw._ )

* * *

 

 **[bastard-son-in-law]** : hyung, are you ok?

 

Jungkook was in Brazil when he heard the shocking news. He thought about calling Seokjin to ask if he was okay but figured that the other needed to spend time with his other members. He couldn't imagine what was going through their minds.

If... if one of the hyungs left, if any of his BTS hyungs decided that the solo route was the way to go...

It was unthinkable.

Seokjin had his other hyungs, though. The least Jungkook could do was take care of Yifan.

 

 **[bastard-son-in-law]** : this doesn't mean that you're off the hook for buying me boba when we're in hk

 

He waited for Yifan's response but it didn't come that night.

* * *

_Ding!_  
_Ding!_

He wondered who was left; who still followed EatJin now that Seokjin updated daily with old photos of Yifan? How many, he wondered.

 

 **[guest]** : _oppa! i thought that you were seokjin's fan! why so many photos of kris?_  
**[guest]** : _yeah! i thought that this was a **food** blog!_  
**[guest]** : _if i wanted to see exo faces all day, i would have joined their fancafe-l_  
**[guest]** : _why are you so fond of him? hes a traitor!!!!! D: < _

 

Five-hundred thousand fans of EatJin, hundreds unsubscribing by the day.

 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*  _'what did he do that was so wrong?'_ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

 

An angry cacophony of posts answered his question.

* * *

 

 **[fannie-hyung]** : no. all that milk tea makes you short  
**[fannie-hyung]** : it doesn't matter what sehun says

 

Jungkook was on-stage when he received the message. Exhausted, he flopped into a chair in their waiting room, busily gulping down a sports drink to regain his strength. He was exhausted.

In the morning, his phone was flooded with numerous notifications. As he sifted through them, he saw Yifan's message.

"Aish. When did hyung become so stingy?" Jungkook chuckled. He scrolled through the rest of his messages.

 

 **[fannie-hyung]** : please take care of him

 

 _'He never said if he was okay,'_ the boy shook his head and he dialed the man's number.

"The number you are trying to call is not in service. Please hang up or try again."

He stared dumbly at his phone; that was odd. He re-dialed.

"The number you are trying to call is not in service. Please hang up or try again."

"Are you okay, hyung?" Jungkook asked the robotic voice.

"The number you are trying to call is not in service. Please hang up or try again."

 

 **[bastard-son-in-law]** : im going to have birthday sex with jin in your old bed

 

_Message could not be sent._

Well, there went his foolproof plan of forcing Yifan to respond.

* * *

"Hey, have you really stopped talking to Tao?"

Seokjin didn't care which member asked because the answer was "Yes."

* * *

EXO won an award for Growl. Joonmyun gave the thank you speech with tears in his eyes that never fell. Seokjin's cheeks too, were dry.

Kyungsoo watched their trembling lips with a saddened heart. The day Yifan left, he'd accidentally packed the part of their hearts that knew how to cry, swaddled under his clothes and hats and stuffed into his luggage.

The trophy was passed down the line. Seokjin stared into the camera and thanked their fans for supporting EXO.

"We are ONE."

They exited stage left; Seokjin passed the trophy to Jongin who stared at their maknae through his running eyeliner. Cameras followed them.

If Seokjin cried... if Joonmyun cried... if they cried, Kyungsoo knew, from somewhere across the water, Yifan would cry too, and if he started crying, they all feared that he would never stop.

* * *

 

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : congrats babe! (≡^∇^≡)

 

* * *

"You shouldn't stay angry at Tao-ah, Seokjinnie," Baekhyun murmured over a bowl of popcorn as the two watched a movie on the couch.

"Why not?"

"We're still a team. There's no need to pick sides."

Seokjin snorted.

"You all picked; it's just that I was the only one to pick Yifan's side."

Baekhyun sighed and slid his fingers through Seokjin's hair.

"We had no choice. We had to think about the team first."

Seokjin got it, really. He understood.

"For the greater good, huh, hyung?"

"For the _team,_ Jinnie."

_'We are ONE.'_

"Namjoon-hyung once told me that the road to hell was paved with good intentions."

Seokjin was the only one left following Yifan's social media accounts. Despite management's demands, he refused to unfollow. He _wouldn't._

Management would put him on hiatus but that meant reworking EXO's contract since they all earned equally now.

Instead, Seokjin went on heavily edited shows that wouldn't air for weeks just in case he said something during filming. He remained professional, much to his hyungs' relief.

They weren't one. Not one heart, not one love.

* * *

Yifan's rap was taken over by Tao while his singing parts were spread among the remaining members of EXO-M. The others eyed their maknae warily but in front of management Seokjin's mask never cracked. 

 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* _i miss you_ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

 

* * *

"Gege's sorry, okay?" Tao stood in front of him, eyes red as he wrung his hands. The martial artist took down his letter to Yifan.

'Poor gege,' the maknae thought to himself, 'I can't imagine what he thought when he read those words alone.' Outwardly, he remained silent.

"He shouldn't have left us! We could have worked this out together!"

Seokjin bit his tongue instead of retorting.

The blond continued ranting but he was blind, _blind._

He couldn't see what Seokjin thought was so obvious.

Yifan leaving was the only opening Luhan and Tao had to leave SM too. Tao was going to take the chance but apparently, he was going to drag Yifan through the mud first.

"He abandoned us!"

"You're stupid." Those were the first words Seokjin said to Tao in the weeks since Yifan left.

Stupid. Tao was stupid because he couldn't see what Yifan had done for him.

"Seokjinnie, I know that you..." Seokjin pushed past him.

" _Qianjin-_ "

"Don't call me that."

Tao wrote a letter full of his disappointment and anger and posted it on Instagram.

Seokjin wrote one in his heart, and the problem was that he couldn't delete his so easily.

"Qian- I'm leaving," Tao gazed at his shoes. Seokjin stared at him impassively.

"I know."

"No. I- I'm leaving SM."

"Again. I know."

Tao and Luhan both decided to leave. The others wished them luck. Seokjin did too but he wasn't sure if he could ever forgive his hyungs for how they didn't wish Yifan the same.

* * *

Most of EXO went to the airport send Luhan and Tao off. Seokjin sat on his bed, singing the lullabies Luhan taught him to the moon. Kyungsoo had tugged on his arm before he left but the maknae shrugged it off. Chanyeol and Jongin and Sehun came to his side but Seokjin continued to sit on his bed and waited for time to continue.

"We're leaving," Joonmyun said from the doorway. If he tried, Seokjin could probably spy Luhan or Tao lurking just behind their leader but he didn't try.

"Ok."

There was a shuffle from beyond the door.

"Are you really not coming?"

"No one forced Tao to see Yifan-ge off; I don't know why you're forcing me," the maknae pretended to scroll through his phone; he just wanted to seem disinterested.

Joonmyun's expression softened.

"We just don't want you to regret not going, Jinnie. You might not see them again."

From the corner of his eye, Seokjin saw Kyungsoo motion to Joonmyun that they had to leave now. The man sighed but complied.

"Qianjin."

"Have a good flight, Lu-hyung."

"Jinnie." Luhan stepped into the room. Seokjin looked up.

The man was wrapped in his red scarf, his eyes peeking above the wool.

"You're not coming to send us off?"

Seokjin heaved a sigh and set his phone down.

"No."

"You're being stubborn."

Seokjin shrugged. That was true.

"I'm being fair, hyung."

An eye for an eye makes the world go blind, Seokjin thought.

He stared up at the poster on the wall. It was one of EXO's debut posters that listed their superpowers: an hourglass for Tao's time control, a phoenix for Chanyeol's fire, a dragon for Yifan's flight, and there, under his own face was an eye, for foresight.

Oracle.

_'Seokjin's superpower is prophecy right? did you SEE the members leaving? keke'_

_'maybe that's why he can't danc? he keeps seeing their FUTURE dances! lol'_

He really should stop scrolling through Twitter but yes.

Yes, he saw this coming.

"Just promise me that you'll try to be happy, hyung."

Luhan strode to the edge of the bed and kissed the maknae's forehead.

"Won't you send us off?"

_We are ONE._

They were, now. With Luhan and Tao's departure, there was no more EXO-M.

"You didn't send Yifan-ge off. I'm just following your example."

Luhan heaved a sigh, kissed the maknae again, and left.

_We are ONE._

They were one EXO, no K and no M. Just one.

_We are ONE._

The dorm's door clicked close.

 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* _if you could, would you want to be able to see the future?_ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

 

**[guest]** : _depends! does this mean i'll know when bts tickets go on sale?_  
**[guest]** : _it doesn't matter if your wifi is too slow to buy them!_  
**[guest]** : _i'll just go to an internet cafe!!!_  
**[guest]** : _what would you do with that power, eatjin?_

 

"I would have run away from the recruiter," he mumbled. He thought that it was a scam but he'd taken a chance and said yes.

He wondered what his childhood would have been without being a trainee but then he wouldn't have met all of his hyungs, and that wasn't an equal trade off.

 

 **[eatjin]** : i don't think i would change anything. i'd let it happen  
**[guest]** : _??? what's the point in being able to see the future then?_  
**[guest]** : _yeah! you should at least change things you don't like_  
**[guest]** : _no! the butterfly effect!_

 

If he changed something, if he hadn't joined EXO, would Yifan be happy in that new future?

* * *

The members solemnly returned, heads bowed as they trickled into their respective rooms.

"If you had asked them, they would have stayed."

Seokjin didn't look up at Jongin's accusation. It was the truth, after all.

Not once in the months of legal battles did Seokjin ask Yifan to stop, to take back the lawsuit and negotiate with SM internally. Not once in the months Luhan and Tao deliberated on their departure did he tell them that there was a better way, that they were family.

Instead, he stared at them all with watery eyes and hugged them and wished them luck.

But no, he never asked them to stay.

"You could have stopped this."

If Seokjin had asked, Yifan would have stayed, and if he stayed, then the other two wouldn't have an opening to leave.

"You didn't ask either, hyung," the maknae responded.

It wouldn't have helped. There were only two people Yifan listened to, Joonmyun and Seokjin. And sure, Joonmyun had asked Yifan to drop the case, but it hadn't _really_ been him. _Suho_ had asked, reciting words with dead eyes in the kitchen.

Joonmyun and Seokjin were the only ones who could ask but they never did because-

"I couldn't ask them to be unhappy, hyung."

"We made them _unhappy_?!"

The trio left because the idol industry was as crooked as it ever was.

Yifan left first and afterward, through the hole the man punched through SM, the other two climbed out too.

They went and left Yixing behind.

"If I stayed," the remaining Chinese member told him one night, weeks later while drunk on pain and terribly sober. "The company said that if I stayed, they would let the others go without a fuss."

SM only needed one Chinese member to stay in the Chinese market, needed only one to dispel rumors of prejudice.

Yixing cried in a hotel in Beijing, and in the dark, Seokjin hugged him.

"I'm so sorry, gege. I'm so sorry."

Seokjin was still a child in society's eyes, at least for the next few days, but if this was childhood, he wouldn't survive being an adult.

* * *

"I... I heard about... the hyungs leaving. Is Seokjin okay?" Jungkook's voice trembled. Kyungsoo stared at his phone screen.

"He's... he's coping," the vocalist said. "He's getting better. He just needs rest and time."

Jungkook thanked him for his update. Apparently, the maknae hadn't been replying to the boy's texts. That made sense too; Seokjin wasn't okay.

"Yah. You made me lie for you, brat," he told the maknae. Seokjin smiled softly at him from the stove. A pot of chicken soup boiled merrily.

"Sorry, hyung."

Kyungsoo watched the boy cook from the table. He liked Jungkook, really, but if Seokjin said that he needed space to figure things out, then the vocalist was going to give it to him. The maknae had been close to the Chinese members because as much as he was EXO's maknae in general, he was absolutely M's baby.

It was Luhan's bed that the boy slipped into when he was stressed out and tired. The members used to walk in on Luhan wrapped around the boy like an octopus, singing children's rhymes and lullabies when the boy was homesick. It was Luhan who taught the boy dirty words like a good hyung but also taught the boy how to sing and laugh and eat well. It was him who indulged in the maknae's Mario obsession, who bought a winter hat in Mario's likeness for the boy's birthday that Seokjin wore every winter.

It was Tao who taught the serious child to be a maknae. They mooched off their hyungs with a smile, window shopped and took selfies together. Then, shamelessly, they sent those photos to their hyungs with captions of ' _buy me this, kkaepseong?_.'

_Shameless._

Whereas Kyungsoo was responsible with Joonmyun's credit card, Tao had no such reservations with Yifan's. Tao spreed with the man's money, dressing the maknae in leather jackets and chiffon shirts but didn't tut in disappointment when the boy used his hyung's card to buy $5 graphic tees with Mario's face or Yoshi's egg.

It was Yifan who taught the boy to be confident, who reinforced that out of the handsomeness that EXO exuded, Seokjin was special. It was he who waved away the boy's concerns after management scolded the boy on his lack of abs, who disregarded management's request for the maknae to go on a diet, who didn't even bother bringing it up and instead let the request die in the air it was spoken through. Kyungsoo had watched with quiet approval even though Yifan heard an earful from the higher ups.

It had been Yifan who coached the boy through puberty, who drilled the boy in skincare until the acne faded, who taught the younger how to cook nutritiously to grow taller, who, after Jin's growth spurt, attempted to teach him basketball. It had been an utter failure where Yixing had gotten hit in the balls more times than the basketball hit the backboard.

Yifan was more of an actual blood brother than a hyung, who raised the boy when the rest of them were fumbling with puberty, who loved the boy unconditionally. If anyone had a right to feel betrayed by his departure, it was Seokjin. Instead, it was the members who were angry, who blamed the man for 'ruining' all that they'd accomplished.

Kyungsoo could see why Seokjin wasn't healing; they were poisoning him.

He couldn't imagine what ran through the boy's mind, how he must have read their statements like he read his haters' comments, how he must have seen how _disappointed_ they were in Yifan when all the man had done was chose what was best for himself.

Wasn't that what they argued? That the man's decision was selfish?

But had they any right to complain? Did they really know enough to make an informed decision?

Seokjin hadn't been surprised by the news, had taken it with a stoic face and a kiss on the cheek.

"Be happy," he had said then.

Be happy.

When M was in Korea and benched for weeks at a time, it was Yifan who volunteered to pick the boy up from school, who took the boy for ice cream during finals week and listened when the boy cried over training. Yifan had been more than a fellow member to Seokjin; he'd been his hyung.

And even when Yifan had decided to be selfish, to _abandon_ the boy he had raised, Seokjin had seen enough of M's treatment to smile and wish him well. He hadn't felt betrayed, not like the rest of them, hadn't felt resentment or anger even though he was being left behind.

In the boy's eyes, Kyungsoo saw relief. Management had been toxic and they'd all turned a blind eye.

_Oracle._

Seokjin saw more than they knew, ignored as a maknae, forced to keep silent because of his age.

_Oracle._

He had seen the mistreatment and when Yifan made his decision, Seokjin had supported the man like Yifan had supported him through the years.

Seokjin turned off the stove and wiped his sweaty palms on his apron.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Kyungsoo blurted out. The boy stared at him with surprise.

"What?"

"You said that you were sorry."

"Oh. For making you lie to Jungkook?" the boy shook his head slightly. "Yeah. I'll... I'll talk to him later. I... I haven't been feeling myself lately."

"You shouldn't be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for."

Kyungsoo saw the gears turning in Seokjin's head. The boy knew that there was more being said here.

"Sorry for making you lie, hyung. I'll work on my communication skills," the boy said cautiously.

Kyungsoo smiled. Such a smart maknae.

"Communication is a two-way street."

The boy hung his apron on its hook and stood in front of the vocalist awkwardly, his hands twitching at his sides.

"Hyung's sorry; _I'm so sorry._ " Kyungsoo raised his arms for a hug that Seokjin fell into.

Communication was key to a good relationship.

"Hyung will listen better in the future, okay? Don't give up on me."

" _Hyung,_ " the boy sobbed.

_We are ONE._

"You have nothing to be sorry for; we're the ones who are sorry."

"You don't have to apologize for your feelings, hyung."

"Communication, right? We never asked you why you didn't ask him to stay." It had been strange. They all expected the maknae to beg the man but he hadn't.

"I couldn't ask him to be unhappy," the maknae mumbled.

_Be happy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES. I am very salty. I wasn't this salty until I found out that some of the EXO members still follow Luhan and Tao on social media (and those two follow each other) but NOBODY follows Kris. Kris, who has every EXO album, including the news ones, on his desk. And really? When Luhan left, Yixing left an encouraging message on his weibo. -_- I'm super salty about it still. Kris leaves: everyone pours the hate and disappointment. Luhan and Tao leaves: good luck guys! <3 
> 
> NOPE. I'm not okay with that. Not that I want the two to go through what Kris did, but hey, it's been years. Friend the guy on instagram. Or like, Yixing talks about how he still talks to Luhan and Tao, and I'm like, Kris exists too???? 
> 
> SALTY, I AM. (And he's my bias, so *shrugs*) 
> 
> Warning. Because of the 180 this chapter took, the next chapter will be double the angst or double the fluff. I have absolutely no idea. Lol. But I hope that everyone liked this chapter and please comment~


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This is hella angsty. Like, CONDENSED ANGST. HOWEVER, the end of this fic is fluffy, so it will be a gradual climb from this hellish, sad pit of despair.  
> But, um, also extra tags for the chapter: **sleeping pills, suicide attempt, depression**
> 
> This chapter is alternatively titled, _Love Like a Bomb; Blow it Up._ Thanks, Luhan. Lol.

Seokjin sat on the bathroom floor, black diamond studs in his ears and a bottle of hair bleach in his hands.

With a leader gone, EXO was missing a blond, weren't they?

 _'I need you to uphold EXO-M's visual standards in my place,'_ Yifan joked then.

There was no EXO-M to uphold standards for but it was the spirit of the request that he wanted to honor.

Behind him, Yixing dozed, aided by small white pills.

Months ago, Seokjin stared at the sleeping pills hidden in Yixing's bag and silently asked God what he should do.

He'd ask Yifan or Luhan or Tao but they weren't here.

No one was.

Seokjin didn't begrudge Yixing for the drugs, not when he too had cried himself into the scratchy hotel sheets somewhere far away from home. The maknae kept stealing and destroying them, hoping that when the dancer finished the bottle, he'd stop. 

The supply was never-ending, however.

SM sent Yixing to China to maintain popularity but the man's 'doctor' there had no qualms prescribing him more for a high enough price. Yixing would never run out.

The dancer had a pill for every tear he shed and when those tears were exhausted, there were always more pills.

He placed the drugs back and crawled into the man's bed with his hair stinking of chemicals.

"Someone call the doctor _nal butjapgo malhaejwo. Sarangeun gyeolguk jungdok_ overdose," he sang.

 

(Someone call the doctor, hold me and tell me

Love is a sickness, an addiction, overdose)

 

* * *

 

It was a common rule of thumb; long distance relationships didn't last.

Bolstered by the success of Run, Jungkook left to see the world. He traveled across Europe on tours and for Bon Voyage. The boy's passport resembled a stamp collection.

Seokjin watched him covetously from V Live, hungry for any news from BTS. He wasn't jealous, not when EXO experienced the same backbreaking schedule; he was, however, lonely. Seoul just wasn't the same without the people he loved.

Life was strange, nowadays. For one, Seoul no longer felt like home. For another, EXO had unofficially moved out of the dorms and into a van.

EXO doubled the workload that other groups did for network shows. They were on TV every night, smiling and laughing and portraying happiness and sunshine even though more than half of them cried themselves to sleep. SM was adamant to show that EXO hadn't lost any of its talent or luster after the loss of three members.

The van was large enough to be considered a limo. No one commented on how it was also confining enough to be considered a prison cell.

They slept when they could, remaining poised and elegant even in dreamland. No one drooled; no one snored. Even in the back of a gritty van, they remained pristine.

This was by design.

Just like with EXO-M, there was no time to re-do their makeup so they fixed it themselves. They were always ready for the next broadcast, the next camera, the next interview. They swapped clothes in the back, traded blazers and accessories, anything to look different between broadcasts.

At 5 am, Seokjin had pink, chalked tips. After EXO finished their first schedule, he ducked into a bathroom on the second floor of the SBS building and washed it out. His hair dried during the subsequent radio interview.

When that was over, he ran green streaks through it.

Repeat.

Blue.

Silver.

Straight up glitter.

He traded shirts with Sehun. He pulled on one of the many graphic tees in his bag and paired it off with Joonmyun's blazer for KBS. Wore Baekhyun's ripped jeans for three interviews in a row because whereas the hyungs showed off their abs for fan service, he showed off his thighs instead.

The members didn't complain about the workload, even Jongdae, who loved to whine. Instead, the singer bit his tongue and pulled jokes at Chanyeol's expense. Anything to make the others laugh.

It was ironic that K took M's lead right now, in Korea. Jongdae carried wet wipes and fabric deodorizers; Seokjin had three full changes of clothes in his bag; Minseok had instant coffee packets and accessories, and Yixing had an entire makeup kit with him, always ready to cover dark circles or spot treat acne.

Seokjin noticed the pained look on Joonmyun's face, saw how saddened their leader was by M's practiced routine. They were old hats to this kind of schedule. The maknae watched as the man shoved his tears and the stress to the bottom of his heart where it could fester in the quiet.

The boy wrapped his arms around their leader's neck and breathed in the scent of sweat and cologne.

"I'm cold, hyung. Hug me?"

Joonmyun saw through the lie but smiled nonetheless. They cuddled in the green room. There were purple streaks in Seokjin's hair.

"I never told that boy of yours that he's not half-bad," Joonmyun whispered sleepily.

"Hyung. He's not my boy anymore."

"What? Since when?" Joonmyun sounded outraged. He raised his head from the couch but Seokjin gently eased him down again.

The boy laid quietly in his arms. The man squeezed him tightly.

"Who did he think he was, dating my precious maknae with coconut hair like that?" Joonmyun snorted good-naturedly.

Seokjin giggled.

"Hyung, I liked his coconut hair. It was cute."

Joonmyun heaved a dramatic sigh.

"Love goggles. More fearsome than any beer goggles."

Love, was it?

"We can transform them into real beer goggles?" Seokjin suggested.

"Ah. I forgot. You're not a baby anymore. Hyung will buy for you the first night okay? After that, you're on your own!"

Yes. On his own.

He was going to have to get used to that.

 

* * *

 

It was the day before the new year. This year, Seokjin lost a boyfriend, a part of his family, and somewhere along the way, he lost the will to live.

"Like a band-aid," he whispered into Joonmyun's nightshirt.

"Everyone's leaving at once and at least it's like ripping off a band-aid."

He prayed to someone's God that the new year would go better; he prayed for the miracles he didn't believe in.

Miracles in December, his ass.

 

* * *

 

 

_✧･ﾟ: _✧･ﾟ:_ congrats to Chen!! the new OST master!!!!! _:･ﾟ✧_ :･ﾟ✧_

 

 

* * *

 

Management pushed through a new album. Since SM didn't allow EXO take part in the process, the speed of their next album was completely dependent on the ludicrous amount of money the company was willing to throw at songwriters and producers. It took scant months before they had a full album ready for them.

Someone higher up thought that it was funny to name it EXODUS. Like, EXOdus. Or, as Seokjin's first thought was, Exodus, like the Book of Exodus, like a fucking MASS EXIT from EXO.

Distasteful, he thought. Outwardly, he bowed and thanked the producers for the parts he was given.

Distasteful, but not as distasteful as "We are ONE." At least EXODUS was punny.

 

* * *

 

Seokjin climbed to the roof of the SBS building. He politely ignored the couples hidden in the shadows, weaved around those wandering hands and trekked to the guardrail.

A beautiful view awaited him. People streamed across the dark asphalt like fish being swept by a river's fierce current. A woman's bag bumped into the back of a teenager but neither of them noticed or cared to notice. A dog roamed the streets, its dirty coat just an extension of the dusty air.

Busy busy busy.

He leaned over the rail like a cat pawing at fish. His fingers danced in the air, conducting an unheard symphony, or perhaps he was conducting the mess of car horns and screeching tires below. One hand was pressed underneath his weight while the other balanced him atop the rail.

He envied Yifan's power, as fictional as it was. How glorious would it be to fly past the passionate couples, to forgo the stairs? How wondrous would it be to leap from rooftops when he needed space instead of bypassing guards and distracting his hyungs?

The fish were out of his reach so he stretched out more, fingers trailing through a cloud of dust.

"There are less messy ways to kill yourself."

The maknae lowered himself off the railing and angled his body like SM trained him.

'Your face is your only weapon,' management told him, 'Use it.'

So he dredged up his remaining energy and smiled charmingly. He was a decoration now, his windswept hair and pink cheeks enhancing his casual smile. He wasn't a boy who was a breath away from launching himself into an asphalt river; he was the epitome of calm, a sultry model for a camera that didn't exist.

He wasn't Icarus testing his false wings; he was Cupid now, his bow and a sly grin tossed over his shoulder.

"Kid."

"Yes, hyung?" he smiled. Namjoon and Yoongi remained stoic.

They were in a stare-off. Surprisingly, Yoongi broke first.

"Kid."

Seokjin closed his eyes. He meant to blink but instead, he closed his eyes and breathed in.

What good was being an oracle when all he saw in the future was loneliness?

 

* * *

 

Bangtan finished their interview early. It went better than expected, and by better, Yoongi meant that it was entirely predictable. At no point in the interview did any of the members need to use brainpower to maneuver out of a particularly tricky question. It was equally frustrating and a relief.

Manager-hyung gave them the extra half an hour to relax. The maknaes declared it nap time and snuggled amid their bags, looped together like a group of octopi. Hoseok joined them with a loose promise to Namjoon to keep them in check.

The remaining two rappers headed towards the roof. They didn't advertise it, but sometimes they needed a drag of nicotine as much as they needed a stage to rap on.

The sheer amount of couples macking on each other was expected but beyond them was a familiar figure. Up on the roof, as close to the sky as they could reach, they found him.

He took Yoongi's breath away.

The boy leaned across the rail, eyes curious as he observed the world below. He hefted himself a little higher, a little closer to the sun and the sky, and Yoongi admitted that fear gripped his heart.

"Kid."

The boy turned, beautiful and serene, as if he hadn't just prepared to launch himself into the dirty world below.

"He's like Icarus," Namjoon muttered.

Beautiful like a myth? Certainly. But Icarus?

"Didn't Icarus' wings melt and he plummeted to the ground and died?" Yoongi wasn't completely certain of his Greek myths. He could be wrong.

Namjoon nodded.

Nope. Not wrong at all. He should stop doubting his own genius.

"His father built him wax wings to escape their prison, and when he flew too close to the sun, the wings melted."

Yoongi peered at the halo of blond hair, the artificial lights bouncing off the dyed locks. The boy smiled at them from his perch, leaned against the rail like a siren, alluring and beautiful but oh so broken. His smile was cracked, fissures running through its soul, sewn together by sheer will.

"We're here if you need someone to talk to," Yoongi offered.

Again. Another smile. Yoongi watched as the thread that sewed his smile together tied the boy's lips shut with a neat little bow.

_Sssshhh._

Nothing wrong here, Icarus whispered.

Nothing wrong here.

And slowly, the boy became something less, more like a doll, a wallflower, a decoration.

 _'Look away. Nothing to see here,'_ Icarus cooed.

Yoongi shook his head. He could not, _could not,_ leave the boy like this. Not in good conscience, at least.

He couldn't tell Icarus to fly lower, couldn't tell him not to fly at all. All Yoongi could do was sound the alarm when the wax melted and the wings fell apart, when the sea attempted to gobble the boy or when the boy decided to drown himself.

On a rooftop in the middle of the city, Yoongi breathed in the salty air from a greedy sea and wondered who was the Daedalus to Seokjin's Icarus.

 

* * *

 

Some nights, Seokjin dreamed of Jungkook. Nothing scandalous, just the way he laughed or the way their pinkies intertwined. He'd see pictures of king dumplings in the morning, and that night, in his sleep, he'd peruse a menu with Jungkook by his side.

Those nights, he woke up with a gasp. Sehun twitched next to him.

Those nights, he stayed awake, closing his eyes but never dropping back into slumber.

'Those nights' became many nights, and the maknae made a habit of cuddling with his other members, members who were closer in stature or height with Jungkook, members with whom he could close his eyes and pretend.

'Those nights' became 'many nights' which became several weeks. He crawled into a different members' bed every night. Tonight, his toes tucked themselves under Yixing's strong calves. The white pills jingled when he shook the bottle. He contemplated throwing them all out or taking it to Joonmyun-hyung but he refrained.

Their leader was leashed by management. Seokjin didn't need the company to take away the last of his family.

 

* * *

 

Everyone had a niche. As the maknae, it was obvious that Seokjin was the 'cute one.'

Sure, the fans knew about Chanyeol's and Sehun's Rilakkuma collection but it was undeniable that Seokjin's aegyo was superior.

And what went with cuteness? Hearts, that was what.

He cut them out of construction paper from the dollar store three blocks over. They varied in size, ranging from being able to hide between his fingers to spanning his back like butterfly wings. The members cooed over his fan service. Chanyeol always accepted his hearts on stage while Sehun pretended not to see them, even when Seokjin unfolded one that covered both of their bodies.

It became a game during their concerts. Fans waited for the hidden hearts; the members patted him down to find the tiny pieces. Once, at the end of the concert, during their final bow, Seokjin shook his head vigorously and a shower of tiny hearts kept in place by hairspray tumbled out of his dyed locks. A final cheer roared from the crowd and Seokjin sent the camera a flying kiss and a wink.

His actions were met with overwhelming approval. Some of the members offered to help him make some but he pouted and told them that this was _his_ thing. They patted his head and let him continue his game.

No one noticed the truth behind those hearts. No one looked close enough to see the scribbles around the edges, the tiny, inked notes that said things like "I miss them," and "I love you all." No one paid attention to the hearts once they fluttered to the ground and the lights dimmed.

After Kyungsoo was offered his first script, Seokjin spent a week writing encouragement on the hearts.

 

_'You're going to do so well, hyung.'_

_'You're going to outshine us all!!' <3_

_'Don't forget us when you're famous!_

_'Hwaiting!'_

 

These hearts, like their brethren, hit the ground to be trampled later, crumpled and hopefully thrown into a recycling bin.

Sometimes, when he was especially sad, he wrote existential questions on the edges, squished between the 'v' of the heart.

 

 _'Am I happy?'_  

_'Do I belong?'_

 

Perhaps these days were equally the worst and the best because as much as hated himself for writing these questions, he loved that as he pulled the heart out of his sleeve, one of his hyungs would back-hug him, the warmth of their bodies bleeding into his.

In those arms, he no longer doubted his place in the world.

 

* * *

 

SM ran EXO ragged.

BigHit ran BTS ragged too.

Jungkook flopped on his back and stared at the mundane floral pattern of his ceiling. He'd complain but in honesty, he was too happy; _they made it._

But somewhere along the way, weeks became months since Jungkook saw Seokjin last. He'd missed the younger's past two hair changes.

They were young and exhausted. On their days off, they wanted to sleep, not go outside under a disguise, didn't want to roam through crowded streets and dodge their overprotective managers just for an hour of dinner.

As maknaes, any mistake of theirs reflected poorly on their hyungs who didn't need any more stress.

So days became weeks became months, and sometime after they last met, they both picked up their phones.

"Let's break up."

It wasn't a question, merely an affirmation.

Jungkook fell asleep right after he ended the call. It wasn't peaceful but it was sound. The heaviness of his eyelids filtered into the heaviness of his dreams and the velvety darkness of exhaustion blanketed over him so thoroughly that he forgot that he would wake up, eventually.

On the other side of the metro line, Seokjin stared through the gap in his curtains, curled up on his bed and wide awake. The moon illuminated his room, a beacon from the sky.

He slammed the edges of the curtains together, snuffing out the light as he climbed out of his bed.

He didn't want to be alone.

"Qianjin?" Yixing murmured sleepily. The maknae snuggled deeper into the man's toned arms.

The elder snuffled and drowsily pet the youngest's hair.

"Our qianjin is so spoiled," he teased lightly before drifting back into wonderland.

Seokjin breathed, as quiet and still as a moonbeam.

 _'Our,'_ the man said, as if there was anyone left.

 _'Qianjin,'_ he said as if the nickname meant anything now.

(In Luhan's soft voice, _qianjin_ meant 'baby'; in Yifan's rasp it was 'brat,' and in Tao's deep voice it meant 'brother.' For Yixing, the term had always meant 'little one.')

Once, he had been M's qianjin, but now there was no M anymore and he was no one's darling.

(Just the 'jin' of defeat. He felt defeated.)

Seokjin pressed a kiss to the man's temple and pretended not to see the ever lighter pill bottle sticking out from the man's bag.

 

* * *

 

During their next concert, each of his hearts had a scrawled 'Someone, please save Yixing-ge' on his hearts. Even when he placed one in Joonmyun's palm, the man didn't notice the plea.

 _'Please,'_ he wrote.

 

_'Please, someone save him.'_

 

* * *

 

He vomited from exhaustion and stress. His feet remained swollen no matter how often he iced them; he was bruised from fingers to toes, from acrobatics and choreography. These wounds, however, were minor compared to the festering scars that remained on his heart.

Months had passed since EXO-M became no more, months since they'd fused together with K and became EXO. No hyphen. No footnote.

Seokjin wondered if this was self-sabotage. He knew that he couldn't continue this way, so he stopped holding himself back.

 

_✧･ﾟ: _✧･ﾟ:_ congrats to zitao's new song, black and white! _:･ﾟ✧_ :･ﾟ✧_

 

There. It was out in the open; he still cared about Tao. He was so proud of his gege and wished only the best for the rapper's solo career.

_Ding!_

Sehun appeared in the doorway, a black cap pulled over his rainbow hair.

"Jinnie-ah. Want to take a selfie?"

 

* * *

 

 

 **[guest]** : _hes a traitor!_

 

Seokjin gave his laptop screen the middle finger. If his followers didn't like his post, they could fucking unsubscribe.

 

* * *

 

They updated EXO's twitter profile picture. Seokjin dressed in all white, bright, blond hair peeking from underneath his white hat. To his left, Sehun was dressed similarly but in black. Their arms were linked.

There was no tweet explaining the new picture, no subsequent tweet at all.

None of the hyungs commented on it, feigned ignorance when one of the managers tried to bring it up.

No one commented on how much extra pampering they gave the maknaes.

Later that night, Seokjin posted a picture of the feast they had a barbeque restaurant. _Not_ a celebration, Joonmyun stressed to management. 'Team-bonding,' he said with a variety-show worthy smile.

 

* * *

 

 

 **[guest]:** i saw a panda cry today. it was really ugly but worth it, i think

 **[guest]:** thank you eatjin and hyungs

 

 

* * *

 

Seokjin stared at the handful of pills he squirreled away.

He meant to destroy them like he had the others but Jongin almost caught him. In a panic, he stuffed them into his pocket, and there they remained.

Some nights, the pills seduced him but he turned them down. Politely. Stuttering. With a fluttering heart.

Tonight, he laid wide awake on his shared bed, Sehun's soft breathing tickling his neck. He held the rapper's hand so that his fingers wouldn't be tempted to reach into the plastic bag with its handful of pills.

He craved the sleep the pills could give him but maybe, just maybe, he wasn't meant for dreamland.

His other hand fiddled with his phone. The maknae closed his eyes, mind whirling.

He had a call to make in the morning.

 

* * *

 

"Annyeonghaseyo?"

"Hyung? This is Kim Seokjin from EXO."

"Oh! What's up, Seokjin-ah?"

Seokjin stared at the pills scattered on his covers and smiled as he crushed them into dust.

"Can I ask for a favor?"

 

* * *

 

  

_✧･ﾟ: _✧･ﾟ:_ who else watched bts' weekly idol ep?! it was so funny!!!!! guess who i set to be my wakeup ringtone? ;) _:･ﾟ✧_ :･ﾟ✧_

 

 **[guest]** : _no need to guess! jungkook-oppa, right?_

 

 

* * *

 

EXO had several hours of downtime before they were scheduled to perform. Seokjin curled up on a chair, mentally and physically exhausted but still unable to sleep. His muscles ached and he longed to release the tension in them.

A half.

He snuck a pill out of his pocket, bit it in half and threw its complement into the trash.

Half of a pill would be fine. He just wanted some goddamn rest.

 

* * *

 

 

_✧･ﾟ: _✧･ﾟ:_ exo-cbx? more like exo-YES!!!! _:･ﾟ✧_ :･ﾟ✧_

 

 

* * *

 

'Namjin' trended on Twitter for weeks. The internet was covered in pictures of Seokjin and Namjoon at coffee shops, huddled over notebooks and laptops, shopping together in Gangnam, or pressed together on a park bench.

Jungkook... 'monitored' the rumors... closely. The rest of BTS circled the leader and the maknae cautiously.

"Hey, hyung?" the maknae asked when they were both in their room. His fingers absently bent the corners of his textbook; final exams were soon.

"Yes?" Namjoon gazed at him calmly.

Jungkook's fingers fidgeted around the pages, nails scoring the edges the book.

"You've been hanging out with Jinnie a lot..."

They broke up. Jungkook knew this. He hadn't told the others; it wasn't really their business was it? But... had Seokjin told? Had he... had he moved on?

"It's not my place to tell," Namjoon said with the shake of his head. That was... promising. Namjoon hadn't said that he and the younger were dating, not that Jungkook had _anything_ against that because it was a mutual breakup and there were only a couple of years between Seokjin and Namjoon and at least Jungkook knew that his hyung would treat Jinnie well, and-

Ha.

Who was he kidding?

"Have you talked with him since you guys broke up?"

Jungkook shut his book; he couldn't concentrate.

"Did he tell you that?"

"Does it matter?"

Yes.

No.

"I don't know."

It was a mutual breakup. He was the one who brought it up first.

"It was mutual."

"We were busy."

It became a chore to call each other after a concert or a show, to text good night or wake up from said text. A chore.

"We were tired."

Tired.

So very tired.

But Seokjin found time to meet with Namjoon-hyung, and vice versa. _Namjin_ found time.

Jungkook had been the first to call but the decision had been mutual.

Maybe they had just been tired of each other.

It wasn't his place to ask why the two were hanging out together, why Namjin dominated the fandom pairings.

It wasn't his business anymore.

It wasn't.

His eyes returned back to the pages of his book. Idly, he wondered if studying with Seokjin would be more productive.

Even after everything that had happened, they were still classmates, weren't they? At least for a couple more weeks, and then what?

(Then they became strangers.)

 

* * *

 

EXO traveled to Japan for a fan meeting. Seokjin's Mandarin was far superior to his Japanese, so he took a pill for luck, swallowing it alongside the vitamins Joonmyun-hyung handed out.

 

* * *

 

Seokjin smiled at his hyungs from the stage, waving proof of his high school graduation high in the air. As he bounced along, the small, white pills he stole from Yixing's bottle bounced with him.

He didn't take them but just knowing that they were near was a balm on his jittery soul.

 

* * *

 

Jungkook found Seokjin asleep in a waiting room. They hadn't seen each other in months, nearly a year; they were both adults now. It had been nearly impossible to meet after EXO's mass exodus; SM sent the group to nearly every show, trying to project a strong front to the public.

Jungkook too, had been busy with Young Forever promotions.

"We are ONE! Annyeonghaseyo! We are EXO!" the tv speakers blared. On the screen, it was clear that Seokjin said those words sarcastically. The maknae's smile was empty and drooping, his back stiff as he bowed.

Here, Seokjin's neck was crooked. Jungkook repositioned him so that the younger was cradled in his lap. He brushed the boy's bangs away from his face.

The maknae lost weight. His jawline was sharp as it lolled in Jungkook's arms. He wore a baggy sweatshirt that hid the thinness of his torso, and Jungkook's fingers took a nibble, dipping just under the edge of the fabric to graze across the boy's waist.

His tiny, tiny waist.

_Bogoshipda._

"What are you doing?" Sehun said with his lips still wrapped around a bubble tea straw.

Jungkook's hold on the boy tightened protectively.

"Hi, Sehun-hyung."

The rapper quirked a brow and did not look amused.

"Jungkook-ah," he said warningly. The vocalist's fingers tightened on the other's waist.

"Mmmm. JK?" the boy called out sleepily.

With his peripheral vision tracking Sehun, Jungkook pressed his lips to Seokjin's temple and breathed in the strawberry scent of his shampoo.

"Happy birthday," he said, several months too late. Sehun had the decency to turn to the side.

"Don't forget to eat, okay?" he shifted the other into a laying position on the couch atop someone's nearly bursting bag.

"I miss you," he sighed as he pecked the corner of the maknae's mouth.

"Kookie," came a sleepy mumble.

His heart fluttered. Even asleep, even after months of nearly non-existent contact, Seokjin still called for him. He restrained himself from kissing into that pliant mouth, from licking it open until the younger awoke. He wanted a lazy makeout session so badly that it _hurt_ to walk away. He wanted to but couldn't.

He didn't have permission for that anymore.

When he exited the room, Sehun followed.

"Are you the new chaperone?" Jungkook half-joked. It was a testy topic; they both knew who the old one was and _why_ Seokjin needed a new one.

"Do you need one?"

Jungkook shook his head.

"We broke up."

Sehun nodded and offered a sip to Jungkook who eyed the empty cup overflowing with tapioca balls and declined.

"That's smart. He's still coping."

"Hey, hyung," Jungkook fiddled with his phone. "Do you get the feeling that he's not getting better?"

Sehun's fingers twitched along the cup.

"Yeah."

 

* * *

 

 

 

_'It's not that I believe it  
but that I want to try holding out  
because this is all that I can do.' _

_\- Awake_

 

 

* * *

 

He sat alone at a table for two. In front of him was a spread of food, succulent soup dumplings and crispy wontons. He smiled at the streams of people around him, sneakers gently bumping into his chair or his table outside.

Busy busy busy.

 

_✧･ﾟ: _✧･ﾟ:_ i wish that i could share these with everyone! scrumptous! _:･ﾟ✧_ :･ﾟ✧_

 

Yes. If only he had someone to share this food with.

These days he thought of Jungkook less and less. The other maknae popped into his thoughts like a crackling wire, brief but sharp. Seokjin thought of him while he daydreamed, his mind unhindered by the realities of their relationship, thought of the boy when he sat alone in coffeeshops with two slices of a cake and an empty seat.

Seokjin expected to see the boy smiling down at him when he woke on the practice room floor.

(They thought of each other, sometimes. When Jungkook passed by Mario figurines, he imagined Seokjin's bright grin. When Puma handed Bangtan a pink shoe that no one chose, Jungkook wanted to ask for it as a gift for the boy. He thought of the maknae frequently but briefly, saw the boy's shy smile overlayed with his own when he wore their matching glasses.

Jimin complained about someone stealing his lotion. Jungkook didn't have the courage to tell the dancer that he would have stolen it from Yoongi-hyung as long as the lotion was strawberry-scented.)

 

* * *

 

Minseok posted a picture of meat buns at a restaurant with **#baobao.** One was larger than the other, and the man poked two indentations into each bun like a pair of eyes.

Seokjin smiled. It seemed that Minseok-hyung was manning the Minjin/SeokSeok/Baobao ship himself.

No one else understood the inside joke; they thought that the eldest was just being cute. Seokjin saved the photo for his lock screen; he loved it-

-but not really? He had mixed feelings. On one hand, this was a remnant of his previous life, on the other, there was no Luhan to suggest 'qianjin,' no Yixing to vote for 'baobei,' and no rappers to even out the score. Now, there were two votes for 'xiao bao' and one for 'baobei,' and in the end, team bao wins, doesn't it?

There was no one to defend _qianjin._

 

* * *

 

EXO arrived in China. Yixing, being the only Chinese member left, ran point.

It was unnatural, the way Yixing's body relaxed when he slept in the van, his body heavy and motionless as the van lurched upwards from potholes.

The group settled in for a long road trip and the maknae wrestled his hyungs for the seat next to Yixing. When quiet descended over the van, he pressed his fingertips to the dancer's pulse and let its steady beats reassure him.

 

* * *

 

  

_'Maybe I, I can never fly_  
_I can't fly like the flower petals over there_  
_or as though I have wings._  
_Maybe I, I can't touch the sky_  
_Still, I want to stretch my hand out_  
_I want to run, just a bit more.'_

_-Awake_

 

Seokjin found himself back on a roof. It was nighttime now. The others were asleep downstairs. They'd be on the road in a few hours, road tripping north to film 2D1N.

He refreshed his browser.

Luhan's debut song reached 1 million hits.

Tao's sample clip with Wiz Khalifa reached the same benchmark.

Yifan sang OSTs for popular Chinese movie franchises and there was talk of a Hollywood movie.

Jongdae proved himself to be the king of the vocal line. He and Minseok had two hit songs with EXO-CBX.

Yixing's popularity in China rose quickly. He was happier in China, comfortable with his jokes and able to speak freely; he tested the variety show waters and found out that he was an amazing swimmer.

His six hyungs were blossoming petals while he was just a crinkled leaf. They were sunflowers, their futures faced towards the sun and opportunity, while he struggled with his melting wings. Seokjin was a dying leaf, curling in on himself and dry, shedding from a beautiful flower.

He wanted to fly, _needed_ Yifan's power but all he had was 'Foresight.' He was an Oracle, instructed to sit still and watch as his predictions came true regardless of his desire to change the outcome.

A tragedy.

All he wanted to do was fly.

What had Yixing told him before? That shoulders as wide as his were meant for flight, that he was made for soaring.

What a joke.

He couldn't grow wings so he made his own. Were his wings poorly made, or was he too greedy, like Icarus?

His fingers skimmed the guardrail.

He was a classic Greek comedic tragedy.

A sad joke.

 

* * *

 

They performed a small concert in China to keep the market open. On the large heart Seokjin made this time, he wrote _'please, someone save me,'_ sixteen times.

 

* * *

 

"Don't cry," he sang into the mic.

_'Wide awake Wide awake Wide awake'_

"Don't cry," he told himself even as tears fell.

"Don't cry," he remembered Yifan telling him, begging him in the quiet airport, surrounded by only half of their little family.

"Don't cry," because visuals weren't suppose to cry, _qianjin._

Was he, though? What was he in EXO other than the maknae? Not _really_ a vocalist, not while standing next to Jongdae or Baekhyun or Joonmyun. Not a visual, not _really,_ not with the rappers' heights or any of his hyungs' faces near his.

Not for the first time, he wondered why SM debuted him so early.

(Why didn't they just leave him for NCT?)

(Or maybe he wasn't good enough for them either.)

Outside the recording booth, Namjoon stared in anguish.

 

* * *

 

"Yah, Jinnie. Why are you reading all those bad comments?" Minseok wrapped his arms around the youngest, leaning on him until the boy's back bowed under his weight and the maknae's eyes were planted on the table instead of the screen.

"Minseokie-hyung," the maknae murmured into the wood, "Do you... do you ever think that SM made a mistake?"

There was a seven-year difference between the youngest and the eldest. By all accounts, management shouldn't have debuted the maknae yet, should have kept him for NCT but they hadn't. They put Seokjin in EXO, and they were _blessed_ because the boy was an angel, but Minseok had always wondered if the move had been too cruel. Seokjin had been too young, too new, too untrained.

And then, as if to make matters worse, they put him in EXO-M, where he'd have to learn a new language atop choreography and his own schoolwork.

Minseok had wondered then and now if management set the boy up to fail. He squeezed the boy's shoulder.

"Why?"

Seokjin's spine bowed as Minseok draped himself over the boy. Even when the elder stood up, the maknae remained hunched.

"I heard one of the managers call me a 'spare.'"

 

* * *

 

 

 _"At least EXO's average age will go down," one of the manager-hyungs joked to management._  

_"At least now we know why management added the spare."_

 

_**Spare.** _

One. His debut made so much more sense now.

Two. That handful of pills he filched from Yixing-ge's bottle wasn't going to be enough.

 

* * *

 

Minseok saw red. Seokjin wouldn't tell him _which_ manager but the eldest had an idea. There was always one who was a little too excited to implement diets, a little too fond of 'jokingly' calling Seokjin fat.

Minseok punched the man in the face once for every year of Seokjin's life, and when Jongin and Sehun finally pulled him away, he spat on the man.

"Hyung! What's wrong with you?!" Minseok didn't shrug off their hands because he didn't want to hurt them.

The man wheezed on the floor.

"If you ever so much as blink in his direction, I'll kill you."

The man screamed that he'd sue but it sounded like a garbled mess through his broken nose. They all understood, though.

"We'll see which one of us SM will protect, won't we," Minseok sneered. The man paled in realization or maybe blood loss. Whatever. The singer didn't care.

"Hyung! What the fuck?!"

Minseok's eyes never left the man.

"I wonder who's the real spare here? We'll have a new manager tomorrow morning while you're negotiating not starving on the streets."

 

* * *

 

The funny thing was that Joonmyun waited for summons from management that never came.

Together, they waited for the reprimands, the punishments that never came. It didn't mean that they were invaluable to SM, merely that once again, the company knew when they were in the wrong.

 

* * *

 

SM debuted their new boy group rather haphazardly, perhaps as a contingency for EXO.

NCT bowed deeply to them in their dressing room. Seokjin watched as Yixing's eyes lit up at the slightly accented voices. The maknae's fingers brushed against the dancer's pulse, and for the first time in weeks, it jumped excitedly.

 

* * *

 

Seokjin swallowed his bitterness. He should be happy that Yixing found his purpose with NCT's China line, that he no longer relied on his pills to sleep.

They both understood that Yixing didn't pull away because he loved Seokjin any less but that these boys _needed_ him in a way that Seokjin didn't.

The bottle remained in Yixing's bag.

 

* * *

 

SM went on their annual retreat. Seokjin bowed to the sunbaes and greeted his new hoobaes. Standing on the Hawaii sand surrounded by NCT, some of which were older while others were younger, it was apparent that Seokjin should have never debuted with EXO.

 

* * *

 

The bottle kept becoming lighter but Yixing hadn't noticed because he no longer used it.

 

* * *

 

The boy's skin became sickly pale. The makeup artists gave each other worried glances every time they tried to cover the ever deepening bags under the maknae's eyes. He looked like a walking skeleton, so pale and thin.

When the boy asked for a night off, Hyunkyun sighed in relief. Yes, yes, of course. The hyungs squeezed their maknae's shoulder in comfort. Joonmyun fretted, putting on his shoes and dialing delivery for the maknae.

"No need hyung," the boy laughed, "I've been wanting to try that new skewer store down the street."

"That place looks like it serves rat poison," the man scowled.

They left the maknae with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to return ASAP. He sent them a flying kiss and waved them goodbye.

His hyungs were loud. He heard them chattering down the hall, their feet stomping down the stairs instead of waiting for an elevator.

Seokjin's fingers brushed over his phone's screen, leaving an arched smudge. He fiddled with it, turning on the BlueTooth, switching the wifi on and off.

He felt dizzy. The walls were closing in; the air was thinning. He held onto the back of the couch with his free hand. It wasn't until he heard both van doors close and the engine roar that he let his knees hit the ground.

Had the room shrunk or was it his shoulders that grew? Why did he feel trapped?

The world closed in tighter.

He flicked open his phone, squinting at the bright screen.

He felt sick. He wanted to throw up.

No.

He needed to rest; he promised his hyungs.

Rest well, they said, right?

_'Someone call the doctor, hold me and tell me-'_

No. No. Wrong song.

He found the mp3 file of the song he and Namjoon-hyung produced together. It was complete; they just didn't know when (or if they would) upload it.

What Namjoon didn't know was that Seokjin had a drafted tweet with the mp3 attached. He'd antagonized for weeks over releasing his first solo on Twitter but now it seemed like the perfect idea.

It was time.

Only when the tweet posted and the retweet count climbed did Seokjin release the tension in his shoulders.

Dance now/Sing now/Alien now, rest later, okay?

Well, it was fucking 'later,' now.

The pills jumped into his hand. He needed the quiet. He needed the rest. He needed to sleep.

He posted 'Awake' because it was his last chance. He didn't plan to be awake anymore.

_'Someone call the doctor.'_

 

* * *

 

 

_'I want to remain_  
_I want to dream more_  
_Even so, what I'm saying is_  
_that it's **time to leave.** '_

_-Awake_

 

 

* * *

 

 

_'Someone call the doctor, hold me and tell me-'_

 

"Stay with me kid, okay? Can you do that?" the paramedic asked him anxiously over the din of sirens.

"Come on, come on-" he heard the wishful mumbles.

Seokjin's eyelids fluttered.

"Yes, yes. Hey, hey. Hey there. Kim Seokjin, right? Hey, hi-" The pills pressed against his consciousness, and he let them in.

"-No no no, _hey,_ Kim Seokjin, hey hey, stay with me, okay?"

 

_Stay with me._

 

What a curious plea. Seokjin wondered if asking ever helped, if he should have said those words to Yifan or Tao or Luhan.

Should he have asked Jungkook? Asked the other boy to stay with him, to tie him down to a sinking anchor.

Ha. 

 

_'I’m just walking and walking, among this darkness_  
_My happy times asked me this question_  
_You, are you really okay, it asked me_  
_Oh no'_

_-Awake_

 

Was he drowning or soaring? The pills made him so light; he floated without wings, the lightness of his body letting him drift.

But-

But the noise was muted as if he were underwater. The paramedic's words were slow, quiet.

Muted.

Seokjin was Icarus, who flew too high and now he was falling into the ocean and drowning.

"-can you squeeze my hand? Can you hear me? Listen to my voice, Kim Seokjin. Do you want to hear a song? I can't sing as well as you, but-"

The paramedic was desperate to keep him alert. Through his bleary eyes, he noticed that the scenery changed, the dark of the dorm switched out with blinding white.

He must be inside of the ambulance.

"-stay with me, kid; stay with me, _please._ "

 

_'I replied, no, **I’m so afraid**_  
_Still, I hold the 6 flowers tightly in my hands_  
_I, I’m just walking, I said_  
_Oh no'_

_-Awake_

 

Would his hyungs be disappointed in him?

(No. He was a _spare,_ remember?)

His limbs were numb and flopped as the paramedic set him up on an IV.

Stay with me.

Seokjin should have said those words.

He hadn't asked but he knew their answers.

Oracle, remember?

  
_'Yeah it's my truth_  
_It's my truth_  
_I will be covered with wounds all over._  
_But it's my fate_  
_it's my fate_  
_Still, I want to **struggle and fight.'**_  


_-Awake_

 

(They would have said "Ok, for you, Jinnie," thus dooming themselves to a life not worth living, and if a life wasn't worth living, then what was it good for?) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So this is technically the REAL chapter 3. Like, the current chapter 3 used to just be a line of "Kris left." Lol. This chapter was the basis for the entire story. It was meant to be the end because of that tie-in to the (random) title, so yeah, I couldn't delete it even though I really wanted to put some fluff in. I actually really love this as the end but because of your wonderful comments, I have 10,000 words of almost all fluff, so the story continues! Honestly, it can only emotionally go up from here. >_<
> 
> So, I've edited to the best of my abilities tonight. I'll comb through it tomorrow but honestly, I just wanted to post it and be done with this emotionally draining behemoth. T_T 
> 
> As always, comments are much appreciated~


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been dying to post this. It's been edited and re-edited, and I just want to post it, so here it is.  
> ( ✿ •̀ ‸ •́ ✿ ) 
> 
> AO3 did something weird so I reposted this chapter. I'm sorry to anyone who is subscribed and received multiple notifications. AO3 was fighting me. >:((((

They were experienced; this wasn't their first comeback. Still, EXO milled around their waiting room anxiously, nervous tension bubbling under their skin. Hyunkyun assured them not to worry; he sent one of the newer managers to check in on Seokjin and persuade the maknae to visit the hospital for an IV of Ringer's solution.

Seokjin was fine; the maknae just needed some rest, he told them.

"He hasn't wished us luck yet," Jongdae stared at the empty group chat. They knew that their maknae would never let them go on stage without a customary ' _hwaiting~_.'

Hyunkyun laughed.

"Maybe that skewer stall really was bad?"

Joonmyun nibbled on his lower lip.

"Hyung! What if he really did get an upset stomach?"

The man smiled wanly.

"Then it's a good thing that I sent our newest manager to deal with the vomit, huh?"

The members' faces broke into tiny smiles. The sooner they finished filming, the faster they could baby their maknae.

* * *

They performed. They won. They wanted to go to sleep.

"Do you think Jinnie's still up? Maybe he can cook up some kimchi fried rice? Or ramyeon?" Chanyeol mused hopefully. The others groaned wistfully.

They mingled with other idols in the hallway. Joonmyun bowed and made his way into their waiting room; he wanted to check in with Seokjin; it would be a couple of hours before EXO was allowed to leave.

Minwook awaited him.

"Manager-nim?"

"Seokjin was admitted to the hospital."

Joonmyun gnawed at his already swollen lip.

"I _told_ him not to try that sketchy lamb skewer stall!" he murmured, disgruntled. His fingers fidgeted with the sequins on his jacket.

The manager shook his head.

"They- they found pills on the bed with him. They think that he overdosed."

 _Ironic,_ was the first thought in Joonmyun's head.

How ironic.

 

_Someone call the doctor, hold me and tell me; love is a sickness, an addiction, overdose._

 

Kyungsoo's hand over his mouth alerted him that he was screaming out loud. The room stared at him in shock but even with Kyungsoo's other hand rubbing calming circles on his back, he kept screaming.

And screaming.

 

_"Please don't cry."_

 

And screaming.

Those in the room rushed over, laying him down on their jackets and demanding to know what Minwook said. At some point, Joonmyun stopped screaming, stopped staring at a space right behind Kyungsoo's ear, and decided that he was going to break a promise tonight.

 

_Please don't cry._

 

He cried. EXO won a music award, gained more and more recognition from the public but in their waiting room, Joonmyun wept. His hacking sobs were heard in the halls, his wails as resonant as any of his high notes.

The managers didn't shush him, didn't tell him to hold it in until the dorms, didn't remind him that he was EXO's leader and needed to show a strong facade.

This wasn't the kind of news where one could pretend to be strong.

Kyungsoo stood over him, a worried look on his tired face.

Joonmyun turned his head to the side. He stared at Hyunkyun through the gap between Yixing and Kyungsoo.

"How is he?"

How strange that his first instinct wasn't to accuse the manager of lying; they'd all seen how sickly the maknae had become. They should have done something earlier. They should have seen it coming. They should have realized . 

The man shook his head, empty eyes on his phone.

"We don't know."

* * *

 

 **[intlgoldenboy]** : hey. i missed you tonight. are you okay? your hyungs said that you ate some bad skewers? blasphemous!!! :)))

 

* * *

Like with the exodus, EXO wasn't allowed to tell anyone of Seokjin's circumstances.

Management continued to schedule appearances. 'Show a strong front,' they said.

 _'Again,'_ they mumbled scornfully.

"Take one look at Jinnie!" Jongin snarled.

A suit sniffed delicately.

"Our press release states that it's nothing more than the flu. We don't need you comeback overshadowed by this... _shameful_ event." From his hospital bed, Seokjin flinched.

Chanyeol flew across the room. Kyungsoo's body heaved with exertion as he pulled his group mate back.

"Say that one more time," Chanyeol threatened.

Management was calm and steely-eyed. EXO was popular, sure, but they were _children._ They thought that fans and revenue were enough to protect them; they forgot that SM created them and just as easily, they could be taken apart.

If SM wanted to, they could chip away at EXO until all of the undesirables were gone. Just as they did before.

Kyungsoo's fingers flexed against Chanyeol's chest.

"One week," the vocalist negotiated. "Give us a week."

The suit's eyes narrowed.

"The press statement said that Seokjin has the flu, right?" Joonmyun chimed in. He straddled the fine line between company lap dog and the voice of the group.

"Say that we had symptoms too. We're taking one week off to prevent the sickness from spreading," he pleaded.

"Sickness indeed," the man hemmed.

"One week," he said as he exited. The room breathed a sigh of relief.

"The sickest thing in this room was him," Baekhyun spat.

Seokjin's fingers curled around his.

"I'm sorry."

Kyungsoo let go of the rapper and stared at the maknae evenly.

"Listen to hyung; you have nothing to be sorry for."

Baekhyun ran his fingers through the boy's hair as they all stood in solemn agreement. 

(They were the ones who were sorry. _So so sorry_.)

* * *

EXO finally slept for the doctor recommended (and mythical) eight hours. When they visited the maknae next, they were noticeably brighter, more alert.

Awake.

The song circulated around SoundCloud and Youtube. Management took it down from Twitter as soon as they noticed. It became an Easter egg for the most diehard of fans, a secret that only the most devoted knew.

Seokjin played it for his hyungs as they crowded around his cot. He patted Jongdae's head in his hands.

"You're so talented, Jinnie," they praised. Joonmyun cooed and pinched the boy's cheek. Wrapped in their warmth, he fell asleep soon after. 

They headed towards the cafeteria for a snack before they returned to the dorm. Minseok stayed behind.

"You're so talented. We just wish that you could see that too," he whispered as he gave the maknae a final kiss on the forehead. Then, he sped-walked towards the nurse's station.

The other's were near the elevators and Minseok snatched Jongdae's arm before anyone noticed that the two of them were behind. He nudged the younger towards an impatient manager.

Jongdae nodded. Distraction time.

As he whined for a pit stop at an udon stall, Minseok charmed the nurse on duty, a man who they'd all seen dancing to Growl when it came on the radio.

"Could I borrow the phone?" The singer plastered on his killer smile.

"Well, uh-" the man's eyes flickered around the empty station.

"My battery died. _Please?_ " Ugh. Who knew practicing aeygo for fan meetings would be useful in real life? The nurse relented and lifted the phone from his desk to the counter. Minseok bowed in thanks before he dialed a number that he committed to memory despite never having used it.

EXO-M had the three eldest in EXO. The trade off for being cranky and old was that they knew very well how shitty people could be.

SM erased the ex-members' numbers before arranging for all of them to receive new phones. They were ordered to cut ties with all of their former members, and Minseok didn't doubt that their phones were being monitored to ensure that the company's words became law. 

So Minseok bought a burner phone the night he found Joonmyun sobbing into his sheets with the other members standing in the living room with their fists clenched. He rode the bus to the tech corner of the city, and on his way back, he recited its number as seriously as if this were his dissertation.

He kept it with him until the fateful day at the airport. When he and Yifan exchanged their final hugs, he placed the phone into the man's hoodie pocket. The rapper caught a glimpse of the pink flip phone.

'Really, hyung?' his eyebrows asked. Minseok smiled up at him.

"Stay tall, duizhang."

"Stay mochi, hyung."

_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._

Fuck. What if Yifan forgot to charge the burner?

Minseok rolled his eyes.

How did such a goofball manage to lead M for so long?

_Ring._

"Hyung?" Ok. Maybe he should have had more faith. Oh well. 

"Yo, Yifan." Minseok attempted to be cool; an attempt that failed, going by Yifan's silence. 

"..."

Minseok sighed.

"Code Pink."

A sharp inhale. They'd only gone Code Pink once, right after they debuted and Seokjin had been homesick for the first time.

"What's wrong? Twitter said that he's sick?"

"He's depressed."

"... _suicidal_ depressed?"

"Yeah."

"Fuck."

Yifan couldn't return to Korea until his contract expired and then some years; that was his deal with SM.

"... just Code Pink?"

Minseok took a deep breath, thought of how Yixing came to him the night Seokjin was admitted and pressed a bottle of tiny white pills into the eldest's palms and confessed. He thought about Jongdae's fits of quiet when the man listlessly flipped the pages of a Mandarin workbook he no longer needed.

"Let's call it Code Pink with pastel green and lilac over here. You guys?"

"Luhan's sleeping his way through China if his songs are any indication. Tao bought four bags at the last fashion show, so..." the rapper sighed.

Minseok smacked his forehead.

"So... Code Rainbow?" Minseok tapped his fingers against the counter. At the end of the hallway, it seemed that Jongdae managed to convince their manager that ddeokbokki as a late night snack was acceptable.

"Are you not coping well?" Yifan's deep voice rumbled.

"What? I'm fine."

"You just said Code Rainbow. For the seven of us."

"Well, it's not like I could say Code 5 of 7."

"...who else is excluded?"

"... are you not okay?"

Yifan snorted.

"I'd be a lush if more than half of my wine didn't suddenly become non-alcoholic."

Minseok whistled.

"I'm impressed. Half?"

"What do you know, Min?"

"Min- _hyung,_ " the eldest pressed with a smile. 

Jongdae roared like a dinosaur; Minseok needed to hurry up.

"Let's get to the point."

* * *

Kyungsoo found a box of paper hearts on Seokjin's side of the room, 'Someone call the doctor' scribbled on the edges like a prayer. Before, they thought that the boy was being mischievous and giving hints about their comeback. They knew better now.

He went through each one, reading the comments. Some had a line of hearts drawn on the margins; others had simple messages like 'hwaiting~' and 'eat well!!!'

At the bottom, on a tiny heart that could easily hide between one's fingers, Kyungsoo read, 'Someone save me.'

* * *

Gifts that none of them could (technically) explain arrived at the hospital.

First was a five-thousand piece puzzle starring Yifan's face. (Not so subtle, galaxy). During the week where they all had the 'flu,' Chanyeol hunched over the side table with Seokjin, and together they viciously stabbed Yifan's ear into his eye.

When questioned, they merely shrugged.

"Picasso."

The second gift was an unreasonable amount of Mario-themed band-aids which prompted Seokjin to laugh hysterically.

"OMFG. I overdosed on sleeping pills; I didn't slit my wrists. _Who sent this???_ "

Understandably, his exclamation made the hyungs and the doctors nervous but at least he laughed? That was progress, wasn't it? Everyone knew that depressed people couldn't laugh.

Ha.

(Although no one had proof, it was assumed that Tao was the idiot who sent the band-aids. They weren't sure if they should blame the rapper or the person who informed him. Probably both.)

The third gift was a Mario plush with an antlers. Seokjin snuggled it to bed, nearly losing an eye in the process. He kept checking the seams for signs that Luhan sewed the antlers on himself.

He prayed for the poor deer plush missing his horns. He must feel terribly vulnerable.

* * *

Seokjin woke to Minseok's warm fingers massaging his shoulders.

"I wish that I was as strong as the others," the maknae confided sadly. The eldest pinched a cheek.

" _Xiao bao._ If you think that Yifan hasn't been drinking himself into a stupor, you're mistaken," he smiled.

Seokjin returned his grin as they sat in silence. The boy sank into his hyung's arms.

"Hey, hyungie? Do you ever think that _duizhang_ will realize that Jongdae-hyung and I drank all of his good wine and replaced it with grape juice?"

Minseok snorted.

"He will when he doesn't get drunk."

The sun fell. Minseok patted the maknae's leg reassuringly as the nurse outside gestured him to hurry; visiting hours were over.

"Hyung." the boy tugged at his shirt.

"Hmm?"

"Hyung," Seokjin looked down. "I don't want to be alone again," he pleaded.

The man's brow furrowed. He tucked Deer!Mario under the sheets with the maknae and patted them both on the head. 

"You won't."

"What?"

Minseok pressed a finger to his lips and winked. 

"Trust hyung. Go to sleep, Jinnie."

* * *

Static woke him. It was dark outside, the moon high and bright in the sky.

An unfamiliar phone was plugged in and laying next to Seokjin's pillow. He pressed the home button to discover a steamed bun lock screen. Minseok-hyung's phone?

Had the man left it?

Luhan's soft voice filtered through the speakers, singing the lullabies he once taught Seokjin.

"Ge?" the boy mumbled, voice raspy.

"Go to sleep, _qianjin._ You need your rest," the man scolded patiently.

"Ge should sleep too," he pouted.

"Ssshhh. Don't argue with your elders," Luhan chided with a laugh. Seokjin felt a wave of exhaustion sweep over him.

"Night night, ge," he murmured.

"Sleep well, _qianjin_."

* * *

At the end of the week-long hiatus, Joonmyun squeezed himself onto the cot. Deer!Mario was downgraded from cuddle buddy to the elder's pillow.

"I'm not going to ask," the leader said as he stared at the ceiling. Turned on his side, Seokjin watched him.

"Why not?"

"They're not going to ask either."

_Stay._

During the excommunication (the _exo_ communication), the others hadn't understood why Joonmyun and Seokjin remained silent. Now they had firsthand experience.

They would never ask the maknae to stay if staying meant his unhappiness, if it meant _this_.

_Be happy._

Seokjin interlaced their fingers.

"I _am_ happy, hyung."

Joonmyun squeezed their hands together at Seokjin's denial.

"I _will_ be happy," the maknae stated forcefully. Joonmyun's breath brushed against his cheek.

_Be happy._

* * *

They slept intertwined, Seokjin's broad shoulder blades digging into Joonmyun's cheek. The man sighed at the offending piece of bone before clambering up. Visiting hours would be over soon. 

The maknae whined at the loss of heat and blindly snagged the back of the leader's shirt. 

"Hyung~"

"Hmm?" Joonmyun gently unwound the fingers.

"I'm thirsty~ Don't leave until you can superpower me some water," the maknae teased. 

"Aish, you brat," the leader said with a smile.

"By the power of EXOplanet! Water!"

Joonmyun slapped his hand over the boy's mouth. Seokjin giggled and Joonmyun handed the boy an unopened bottle from his bag.

"We're leaving for promotions tomorrow," Joonmyun said with a sigh.

Seokjin flicked his leader's forehead.

"Hyungie~"

"Yes?"

Seokjin sent him a flying kiss.

"Be happy."

* * *

 

 **[saltybean]** : rm 342. seoul university hospital

 **[smolbean]** : wtfuck?

 **[saltybean]** : tomorrow.

 **[smolbean]** : the hell i am

 **[saltybean]** : 1. what is wrong with your username

 **[saltybean]** : 2. bring the coconut head

 **[smolbean]** : 1. like you have any fucking room to talk

 **[smolbean]** : 2. why do you need the coconut? bring your own

 **[saltybean]** : none of us have coconut hair

 **[smolbean]** : that tall coconut-for-brains

 **[saltybean]** : i try not to associate with that fruitcake

 **[smolbean]** : ... and they call /me/ tsundere

 **[saltybean]** : ...

 **[smolbean]** : ...

 **[smolbean]** : ...

 **[saltybean]** : ...

 

* * *

Seokjin hugged each of his hyungs goodbye; their week-long 'flu' was gone. The youngest whispered into Jongdae's ear, "You're the temporary maknae now; do Tao-ge and I proud."

Minseok groaned.

"He doesn't need an excuse to whine even _more,_ Jinnie," the man lamented.

Seokjin stuck his hand out for a pinky swear that Jongdae completed.

"We can't let the hyungs become too lenient, can we?" they mock-whispered to each other. "What if they begin to shirk their duties?"

"Yah. You scammers," the man tutted. Jongdae winked as he left.

Seokjin sent them a flying kiss.

It was all in jest. His hyungs were the best.

* * *

 

 **[smolbean]** : should i bring flowers?

 **[saltybean]** : will it be a coconut flower?

 **[saltybean]** : can you even reach a coconut?

 **[smolbean]** : we're the same height

 **[saltybean]** : not according to our profiles

 **[smolbean]** : say that while standing next to me

 **[saltybean}** : height doesn't matter. we buy coconuts at the store. arm height.

 

* * *

Seokjin resolved himself to the silence of the private hospital room. His hyungs were off preparing for another concert, somewhere far away (so far away).

He quietly put the puzzle pieces back into the box, the gnarled edges of the nose pieces making him smile.

"Annyeonghaseyo." Bright sunflowers burst through the door. Seokjin stared at them agape.

"Annyeonghaseyo?"

Yoongi peered from around the bouquet and smiled softly.

"Hey, kid."

* * *

 

**[Interlude]**

 

* * *

"Hyungie," Jungkook murmured.

"Hyungie, I need advice," he pestered. The man groaned and threw an arm over his eyes but ultimately woke up.

"The fuck you want?"

The boy snuggled deeper into the covers, forcing himself to be the little spoon against Yoongi's shorter form.

"Hyungie. I think that I messed up."

Yoongi's fingers massaged the maknae's head soothingly.

"How bad?" the rapper asked.

Jungkook matched his breathing with Yoongi's as he drifted off.

Jungkook thought of the rainbows reflected in EXO's stage costumes, such a contrast to the hip hop black and white of his own. He thought of frozen fingers warming themselves against his ribs, thought of broken texts sent naps apart.

"Bad."

In his sleep, his eyes traced the way Jin's shirt fluttered in the wind. It was all the detail he needed to know that the boy's waist was smaller; SM's unreasonable beauty standards at work.

* * *

Bangtan frequently met EXO at award shows. They were colleagues.

An hour after they arrived, Jimin was tied in a dance battle with Jongin; Taehyung and Baekhyun managed to switch outfits and were trolling everyone in attendance, and at the fringe of the crowd, Yoongi spied Jungkook spying on Seokjin.

Jungkook took a step towards the other maknae, dressed to the nines in a dark maroon suit. From the corner of Yoongi's eyes, he watched as his EXO counterpart, Kyungsoo, observed too. The other man remained rooted, pretending to listen to an excited Chanyeol as he tracked Jungkook across the room.

Yoongi let the disaster play out.

He didn't doubt that the break up was mutual; he doubted that it had been the right thing to do.

Jungkook strode forward, long legs gobbling the distance. He was close, closer, three, two idol groups away before he stopped.

Seokjin's squeaky laughter erupted above the din of buzzing voices, bright and clear, and the three of them, Yoongi, Jungkook, and Kyungsoo, had a direct line of sight to Vixx's Jaehwan's light touch on the small of the boy's back.

The maknaes broke up, and selfishly, Yoongi's first thought was that he needed his phone or some paper. He felt a song bubbling up, could taste the sad beats like he could taste tears, felt his heart drop like a beat drop, and rejoiced at the resignation tinging the atmosphere like a high note he'd never be able to sing.

The thing with first loves, Yoongi told himself, was that they always left scars.

Jungkook was dressed to the nines at an awards show with his heart oozing onto a glittered floor. No one noticed the gaping wound on his heart because it melded so well with his suit.

 

_Someone call the doctor-_

 

The dancer returned his side, head hung low.

"You alright, kiddo?"

He held back tears. Yoongi wanted to tell him to let them fall, that in front of the camera, his tears would meld with the glitter of their outfits and the opulence of the stage.

"I'm here if you want to talk."

Jungkook rested his head on the rapper's shoulder.

"Maybe later."

As the axiom went; time healed all wounds. Yoongi's fingers slid through the styled hair and stared at Kyungsoo whose eyes were narrowed at the scene. Twitter would call them Kenjin. Yoongi didn't envy the man's next shovel talk. 

He turned his attention to his own maknae and wrapped his arms around the taller boy's shoulders. 

Time healed all wounds but a doctor healed them faster and better.

 

_'Someone call the doctor, hold me and tell me; love is a sickness, an addiction, overdose.'_

 

* * *

They broke up but Jungkook still loved Seokjin with all his heart. He knew that he had been too busy to show it but being busy didn't make his obsession any less true. Even now, his eyes were only drawn to the figure at the wings, Seokjin's flying kiss carefully delivered to the camera.

EXO won. Jimin hugged Jongin. Jungkook stood at the back, his fingers drumming nervously against his thigh. He pressed his forehead against Namjoon's back and prayed for patience and guidance.

BTS won. Chanyeol glomped Taehyung. Seokjin stood against Yixing's side, bowing politely at Hoseok and Yoongi-hyung. Jungkook held the award and smiled at the camera.

When the other performers left the stage, he turned to bow. He spotted Seokjin, and the younger gave him a small smile and two thumbs-up.

He returned the gesture with a flying kiss that never made it through the sea of heads.

Yugyeom intercepted the kiss and sent one back. Jungkook scowled so fiercely that the other hastily hid behind Jackson.

He sighed. Maybe he'd have more luck next time.

* * *

"Sehun-hyung," Jungkook began, "What's going on?"

After Seokjin missed the second music show, Twitter lit up with conspiracy theories that Jungkook suspected held an ounce of truth.

Sehun sighed noisily and continued to keep his mouth shut as condensation dripped from his milk tea. 

"You said that he wasn't getting better the last time I saw you," sweat rolled down Jungkook's spine.

"Has he gotten worse?" the maknae asked. Sehun stared at him solemnly, slender arms reaching out to wrap around Jungkook's torso.

"I can't tell you, Jungkook-ah."

"Can't or won't?"

Sehun's fingers flexed against his back.

"Can't."

Jungkook hesitated before he hugged the man back.

"Okay, hyung." Jungkook wouldn't endanger EXO like that.

"But-" Sehun squeezed once before letting go.

"He hasn't gotten better."

'Worse' didn't seem possible. Couldn't be.

Couldn't.

(Jungkook didn't want to know what 'worse' looked like.)

* * *

Someone posted a picture of Jin in the hospital, paler than the sheets around him, his blond hair like a golden halo around his face. With his eyes closed, he looked like he was slipping into death's bed.

 _'exo's maknae in hospital after suicide attempt?????_ '' the Twitter caption asked.

Jungkook leaned against Jimin's shoulder as he stared at his feed. The dancer stroked his head in comfort.

Worse. This was what 'worse' looked like. He was so pale and thin. 

'Is SM happy with his visuals now?' Jungkook wondered viciously. 

* * *

"The number you are trying to call is not available. Please hang up or try again."

"Come on, come on," Jungkook chanted.

"The number you are trying to call is not available. Please hang up or try again."

Stupid Fan-hyung.

His phone fell from his hand.

"Jinnie needs you, hyung."

* * *

 

**[Part II]**

 

* * *

Yoongi's first visit was quiet. The bouquet of sunflowers stood in the corner in a takeout container vase, their oversized heads bobbing in time to the air conditioner.

When he left, he placed a folded sheet of notebook paper on the side table and a USB.

"If you want someone to talk to," the man explained as he motioned towards the sheet. Seokjin nodded and pointed to the USB with a questioning glance.

"I'm planning on releasing it in a couple of months, so don't leak it, okay?" the elder answered with a gummy smile.

Seokjin bowed while sitting on the hospital bed.

"Thanks. You didn't have to hyung," he replied.

"There's a track you should listen to," the man said cryptically.

Min Yoongi may not have swallowed sleeping pills but he was self-destructive in his own way.

* * *

Seokjin cross-referenced the list of psychiatrists that Yoongi left with Naver. Each had a kind, patient smile adorning their faces. Seokjin glanced at the numbers scribbled atop the lines; not all of them matched the listed work phone numbers.

That knowledge eased his anxiety.

Yoongi returned the next day and the next but never asked if Seokjin made use of the list. The boy thought about asking, "How do I introduce myself? What do I ask? Will they like me?" but stopped himself every time. He wasn't sure if he was going to call.

* * *

Seokjin looked up from the coffee cup in his hands.

"Could I... Do you think they'd mind if I texted instead of called?" he asked shyly. Yoongi gave him another gummy smile.

"They won't mind."

The younger nodded idly as his fingers fidgeted around his phone. The rapper gave a meaningful look towards the device before excusing himself to water the sunflowers.

The sunflowers were submerged in water; they didn't need to be 'watered.'

"What a dumb, hyung," Seokjin snorted in the empty room.

Still, he uncrumpled the list.

* * *

When Jungkook arrived, Seokjin was asleep. Yoongi-hyung had left to buy coffee at the downstairs cafe. The pair arrived after dance practice, still sweaty and pale. Maybe a tired Jungkook was easier to herd around, or maybe Yoongi assumed that a half-asleep vocalist wouldn't be as shocked.

"Hey Jinnie," Jungkook called out softly. The boy didn't stir.

"We were wrong, you know." He had so much to tell the other maknae.

"It's vmon and yoonmin, not vmin and yoonseok."

Still silence.

Jungkook moved a chair so that he could sit comfortably until his hyung returned.

"Yeah. Vmon, like the Digimon."

Not even a snore.

"I like 'taejoon' better for their ship name. I mean, sure, we're supposed to use stage names for those kinds of things but vmon really is a Digimon and not even a good one, you know, so it really should be taejoon," he rambled with a smile.

"We should totally have a Digimon marathon; Taehyung-hyung has the entire series. We can shout 'VMON!' every time he digivolves and wink at the two of them. We'll be biased because what in the world is a yoonmin, right? How can we properly ship that? It sounds like Minseokie-hyung's stage name, really."

"Hey." The pads of his fingers stroked Seokjin's cheek where all of the baby fat had disappeared.

"What did hyung used to call us? Qianjinkookie? Darling cookies? I wonder what those taste like?"

"Like protein powder and chicken breast," Seokjin murmured up at him. His eyes were still closed.

"Sounds disgusting," Jungkook joked. Slitted eyes glared at him.

"I didn't think it was such a bad combo."

"You thought Tokyo Mew Mew wasn't such a bad anime either."

"You only have white shirts in your closet, so I'm pretty sure your taste is limited," Seokjin said as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

Jungkook shrugged.

"What's wrong with knowing what I like and sticking with it?" he asked. Seokjin laughed.

"Nothing wrong. You look good in them." 

* * *

"Hey, Seokjinnie."

"Kookie!" the maknae replied with a sunny smile. Jungkook held up the cake box in his hands. They were celebrating Seokjin's release to a psychiatrist of his choosing instead of a mental health clinic. SM sped the process along; clinics left too much of a paper trail. 

"The nurses said that you could have a slice," provided that it was pre-sliced and that there were no harmful utensils near the boy.

Seokjin was full of false cheer today. He was full of smiles and laughter that tricked the doctors and nurses but Jungkook missed the happy Seokjin. He missed the way the boy used to laugh with his entire body, shoulders shaking, voice squeaking. He missed the way the younger used to light up when he told puns, as if he could somehow drain the joy out of the people who had to suffer through those monstrosities. 

(He secretly loved them.)

He wondered if there was anything he could have done, any signs that he should have seen.

Hindsight was 20/20, Namjoon-hyung informed him. The words hadn't soothed his anxiety. He kept wondering if he should have acted on his hunch then... if there was something that he could do now. 

He promised Sehun-hyung that he would take care of the maknae in EXO's place; he saw it as his duty in their absence. The group was in Manila now. SM put out a statement that Jin would be on hiatus for health reasons. They gave EXO's tour a green light.

(EXO's previous members also cited health reasons, a reporter wrote. Jungkook agreed with her.)

Seokjin was set to be discharged tomorrow. He would return to an empty dorm, ghosting the halls of a once lively space.

In contrast, BTS' dorm was too crowded. They were in the middle of the songwriting stage and would be cooped up in their dorm or the recording studio for hours. Time in the dorms was alternatively exciting and full of pranks and swearing and quiet as each member stressed over their own lyrical homework.

He wondered if Seokjin was sick of the quiet, if the pills gave him enough of the silence for a lifetime or if he craved it now. It didn't hurt to ask, however.

"When you're released... why don't you just stay with me?"

 

_-hey kid, please-_

 

"What?" Seokjin startled, eyes wide. Jungkook saw the mask of false cheer slip.

"I mean, I'm sure your manager-hyung wouldn't mind? And sure, I'm going to have to teach you how to avoid an angry Yoongi-hyung-"

"-Yoongi-hyung _loves_ me," Seokjin scoffed.

"-well, we'll see how much he loves you when you accidentally wake him up," Jungkook threw back. " _Anyways,_ we'll have to pick up earplugs because Namjoon-hyung snores loud enough to wake the dead, and Taehyung-hyung will-" Seokjin shushed him with a finger to his lips.

"Jungkookie. I was going to stay with my parents."

Oh! _Oh!_ He forgot that Seokjin's family lived in Seoul.

"So... that's a no?" Maybe he could bribe the maknae to say yes if he gave the boy the entire cake. Jungkook thought that the vocalist could use some padding along his jaw.

Seokjin tilted his head and observed his companion quietly. Then he raised both of his arms for a hug.

 

_Someone call the doctor, hold me and tell me-_

 

"You'll stay? With me? And Bangtan?" the dancer asked nervously.

Seokjin's eyes slid shut. He wished that he had Jungkook's courage. If he did, he would have asked Yifan that day at the airport, the day Yifan asked him and Joonmyun-hyung not to cry for him.

 

_'Please don't cry.'_

 

They promised him but even Yifan must have known that they could never keep it. You couldn't fight sadness by promising not to be sad, after all.

 

_'Please don't cry.'_

 

He ugly-cried. Jungkook kept him in his arms as he spilled fresh, hot tears for Yifan, Tao, and Luhan. Wracking sobs for Yixing and Joonmyun. Sniffles for Jongdae and Minseok. Trembling hands and uncontrollable hiccups for the rest of EXO.

Fresh, hot tears, come and get them, buy one get one free.

Jungkook gently slapped both of his cheeks.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Seokjin stopped his crying to send a withering glare at the other.

"I'm moisturizing your skin. Get it? Moisture? Because it's water?"

Seokjin hiccuped in disbelief.

"Yah. Dad jokes are _my_ forte," he replied petulantly.

Jungkook grinned and pressed their foreheads together.

"Yeah, but you haven't felt like yourself lately, so let me crack them until you feel better, okay?"

Seokjin's crying began anew. Jungkook softly wiped at his cheeks with baby wipes left on the side table. It caused another wave of tears.

Cry now, happy later, okay?

"Hey, hey. Ssshhh. What if your hyungs think that _I_ made you cry? You don't want them to beat me up, do you?" Jungkook teased.

"Don't lie," Seokjin lifted Jungkook's shirt to reveal toned abs. The vocalist didn't bat away the hand because one, there was an IV line attached, and two, he was really proud of his gym routine, okay? "You could probably beat them up, you- you- _muscle pig._ "

At least Jungkook was a comfortable muscle pig. He imagined waking up in those toned arms again, to instantly know that he was safe instead of shivering next to the cold A/C of an impersonal hotel room. Even the dancer's stench from practice would be preferable to the sterile scent that clung to the hospital.

And maybe, truly, Seokjin was most afraid of waking alone in his childhood room after all of these years.

He would wake and see the bookshelf Minseok-hyung meticulously cleaned and organized via the Dewey Decimal system, shelves that held all of EXO's albums, M and K alike. Picture frames of EXO were scattered on each shelf, prominent and smiling. They mocked him.

Even if he turned his head and ignored the shelf, he would see the desk that Sehun-hyung and he once crowded around, shoulders bumping as they finished their homework under Joonmyun's critical eyes. Jongin always laid on the bed, chewing on his pen like a _heathen_.

Maybe he would refuse to open his eyes in the morning to spare himself the memories. He'd pull himself into dreamland until the rising sun cast a red glare behind his eyelids. And then, out of habit, he'd wait for the telltale knock of Yifan waiting to walk him to school. At that point, even sleep would no longer be sacred.

He'd have to face the truth then, that the house he grew up in wasn't home to him anymore.

"Was that a no?" Jungkook pressed again.

Seokjin's fingers twisted into Jungkook's white shirt.

"Just as friends?" he asked cautiously.

Jungkook gave his signature high-pitched laugh.

"Of course. I was just afraid that you'd be lonely."

"Maybe later? Maybe... we can try again when I'm better?"

"Sure," Jungkook continued to giggle. "If I can't find anyone better."

Seokjin playfully punched the other in the arm.

"You're too good to me, hyung."

"Well, considering you're the only idol younger than me, you're literally the only one I can spoil as a hyung."

"...some of NCT are younger than me..." Seokjin murmured.

Jungkook rubbed the back of the maknae's neck.

"Way cuter too."

"Yah."

* * *

 

 **[qianJIN]** : eomma. I'm staying with JK at the BTS dorms, okay?

 **[eomma]** : ...

 **[eomma]** : i thought that you were going to stay with your parents, though?

 

Seokjin stared at the conversation before laughing. He switched recipients.

 

 **[seokjinnie]** : EOMMA! I'm staying with JK at the BTS dorms instead, okay?

 **[ahjumma]** : Aigo. That boy that broke my precious Seokjinnie's heart? When your hyung comes back from the military, he's going to have a 'chat' with him...

 **[seokjinnie]** : /Eomma./ You don't mind?

 **[ahjumma]** : I know how spoiled my baby likes being. If he takes care of you well, you have eomma's blessing; if not, then good thing for this trial run, hmm?

 

Because this was his actual mom, Seokjin didn't make his customary 'not your baby' joke. He was definitely his mother's baby. Like, literally.

 

 **[seokjinnie]** : kk, eomma. thanks

 **[ahjumma]** : bring him over sometime, okay? And I still expect to see you once a week!

 

Seokjin smiled widely. He always felt blessed that his parents accepted his relationship with Jungkook so easily. It started off...rocky with his father blaming it on the idol industry but his mother quickly beat that notion out of her husband's head.

"Yeobo," eomma said with her arms akimbo, "You're only worried because it was really touch and go on whether I'd marry you or your sister."

Appa grumbled.

"That's not-"

"Have some soup, dear," she said forcefully.

Seokjin quietly ate his meal and marveled at how lucky he was to have an eomma like her.

("Yifan, I swear that if you don't make Seokjin drink milk so that he can grow taller, I'm going to rip your balls off."

"Yifan- _hyung_ -" the galaxy-loving man stressed.

"They're going to call you _noona_ if you don't fucking do as I ask."

"Yes, dear.")

Really, he was grateful to have so many parental figures.

 

 **[qianJIN]** : i don't want to mess up eomma and appa's routine. besides! i can cook and it's not stressful and i'll be useful!

 **[eomma]** : ok. but if they take advantage of you or work you too hard you tell me, okay? hyung will get kyungsoo to beat them up

 **[qianJIN]** : yes, hyung.

 

Seokjin laid in bed and for the first time in months, his pulse thrummed. 

* * *

The move was surprisingly painless. Seokjin already had a packed luggage from being a member of EXO-M, after all.

That night, after greeting the rest of BTS, Seokjin snuggled into Jungkook's sheets. He breathed in the scent he'd missed for so long and smiled.

Jungkook wrapped his arms around Seokjin's ever smaller waist and they fell asleep like that.

Officially, the maknae was meant to sleep in the manager's room but no one was going to force him if he felt more comfortable here. As long as everything remained PG-13.

"I'm glad that you're here," Jungkook whispered across the pillow.

With his eyes still closed, Seokjin flicked the other's arm.

" _Excuse me._ I raked in a ton of money _and_ my family has a house in Seoul. I could be living in the lap of _luxury_ , right now, thank you very much."

Jungkook smiled cheekily.

"Yeah, but you chose me instead."

Seokjin snuggled deeper into the sheets.

"Yeah."

* * *

Jungkook tutted over him being skin and bones but the dancer's offer to cook was met with heavy skepticism. BTS' dorm fridge was full of instant food and more canisters of kimchi than a convenience store. They defended Seokjin's judgmental brow with the argument that at least kimchi was a vegetable and easily paired with anything.

Seokjin smiled at them fondly and accepted that he was going to eat kimchi ramen for the next week.

At the end of the week, he dialed his hyungs who were on a short break between concerts.

"Soo-hyung! There are good deals at the market near here!" he wheedled. The man hummed.

"Let me grab Joonmyun-hyung's card. An hour?"

Seokjin hummed in agreement. He ordered Jungkook and Taehyung, who happened to be playing Overwatch in the living room, to help him with grocery shopping.

They arrived at the entrance to the market and spotted Chanyeol easily.

Kyungsoo patted the maknae's arm.

"We'll let the veteran pack mule train the new ones," he said as he dragged the maknae towards the deals. Chanyeol squeezed between Bangtan and settled his long arms around their shoulders.

As the two vocalists haggled, Chanyeol gave Jungkook the fiercest shovel talk with the brightest smile.

Taehyung stared at him, wide-eyed.

"Hyung~ Teach me your ways~"

Chanyeol flashed him a smile.

"Only because you're almost as good-looking as me."

From the front, both cooks snorted.

"You're tall, not good looking; there's a difference," Kyungsoo stated scathingly.

"Yah," Chanyeol shot back. "Who would you say is the best looking, then?"

"In EXO?" Kyungsoo asked.

"In all of kpop?" Seokjin chirped.

The cooks played rock-paper-scissors. Seokjin won.

"TOP!" he blurted out. Chanyeol grunted but agreed. Big Bang's TOP was a person of ethereal beauty.

The rapper swiveled to Kyungsoo who examined the fish on display with a critical eye.

"Well," he began uninterestedly, "The three best looking left, so..."

Chanyeol glared.

"EXO-K, then," he acquiesced.

"Hyung," Jungkook laughed. "Why don't you just restrict it to EXO-K rappers, then."

Chanyeol didn't appreciate his snark but Kyungsoo did.

"Sehunnie," he immediately replied.

"Yah! Kyungsoo-yah! Soo-yah!"

"What about in BTS?" Taehyung piped in curiously.

Kyungsoo and Seokjin split the fish steaks evenly.

"Taehyung," they answered without deliberation. They calmly went to the next stall.

"Yah," Jungkook exclaimed as Taehyung cheered. Kyungsoo raised a brow.

"Um... that 'yah' was directed towards Jinnie."

Kyungsoo gave him a blank stare before returning to the leeks. Jungkook whimpered and hugged Taehyung for support; Kyungsoo was definitely planning his murder.

Oblivious to his hyung's murderous ways, Seokjin winked back at him.

"It's okay, hyung! I'm not with you for your looks!" he said with wiggling eyebrows.

Taehyung unhooked the dancer's arms and put space between them. He didn't want to become collateral when the two outraged EXO members decided to defend their maknae's honor.

" _Hyung!_ " Jungkook hissed. "Shouldn't you be defending me too? As a hyung?"

Taehyung grinned cheekily.

"Nah. You never call me hyung anyways. Karma's a bitch," he replied airily.

Chanyeol nodded approvingly.

"I'll put in a good word for you to your EXO mother. He will be proud that you aided in taking down this despoiler of maknaes."

Taehyung gave a fist pump.

"Score! Chanbaek as parents! Guess who's going to be taller than you, Kookie!" he cheered.

Jungkook teasingly shoved the boy.

"You definitely took after one parent more than the other..."

"I know right? You're all so tiny!" Chanyeol exclaimed.

Kyungsoo handed the man another bag to carry and pinched him viciously on the arm.

"Kyungsoo-ah! Yah! It hurts!"

Seokjin leaned conspiratorially towards Taehyung.

"I've always thought it was more Chansoo than Chanbaek," he giggled.

"That still explains Taehyung-hyung's height," Jungkook sassed.

Seokjin and Taehyung scuttled towards the other side of the street.

"Ow! Hyung!" Jungkook cried. "I was kidding! _Kyungsoo-hyung!_ I'm sorry!"

The two unscathed vocalists stuck together.

"Fishcake?" they offered to the angered god. Kyungsoo gleefully accepted their offering.

With their lesson learned, the rest of the trip went smoothly and before they parted ways, Chanyeol dropped (Kyungsoo looked like he was about to smack the man) the bags onto the sidewalk and fumbled with his backpack. He pulled out a ukelele.

"Don't forget to practice, okay? For our guitar trio with Xing-hyung," he said as he handed the instrument to Seokjin. The shorter male lifted himself onto his toes and kissed Chanyeol's cheek with a wet 'mwaah!'

"Don't you think something this small suits Soo-hyung better?"

A fishy bag smacked the maknae's side.

Chanyeol laughed and shooed him towards BTS.

"Have fun, pipsqueak."

Seokjin sent a flying kiss.

"Have fun, sasquatch~"

"Aish."

He stared at their retreating backs sadly. He wondered how all of his hyungs were doing.

* * *

Despite everyone's apprehension, Seokjin frequently _didn't_ sleep in the same bed as Jungkook. The reason was simple; Taehyung was the same size and a more comfortable pillow due to him not being a muscle pig.

Jungkook pouted the first time it happened and complained the next time.

"You sleep with your EXO hyungs and they're muscled too! They always take their shirts off at concerts!" the vocalist whined. Seokjin raised a brow from his comfortable spot sitting between vmin.

"Wandering eyes, _again_? Hmmm..."

Jungkook rolled his eyes as he snatched a Pocari Sweat from the fridge.

"You are literally petting Jiminie's thighs right now."

"Jiminie- _hyung,_ " said hyung and Seokjin both chimed in.

"What a good dongsaeng~" Jimin cooed.

"Snuggling with Jiminie- _hyung_ is the same as snuggling me! We're both muscular!"

Seokjin laughed and opened his arms.

"Come here, you big baby. It's so hard to remember that you're older, sometimes."

Jungkook passed his ex a bottle of Pocari Sweat.

"We were born the same year," the dancer said as he perched himself on Seokjin's knee.

"If you say so, hyungie!~"

"Yah! Jungkookie!" Jimin exclaimed. "Where's _my_ drink."

Jungkook handed the dancer his empty can with a smile.

"What a brat," he groused as he took a swig of Seokjin's.

* * *

Seokjin left for his first counseling session, and when he returned, he dragged Jungkook out to a bar. Seeing that it was the middle of the week, they hoped that the only people there were too desperate to pay attention to two equally anguished idols.

Four cocktails in and Seokjin lost the strength to keep his dad jokes to himself.

"What is it called when a strawberry runs?"

Beside him, Jungkook begged.

"Don't do this to me."

" _Strawberry jam!_ "

Seokjin honked with laughter and Jungkook wanted nothing more than to smother him under a pillow. 

"I've done nothing to deserve this," he groaned. "I've been a good child: filal to my parents; kind to my hyungs-"

Jungkook glared challengingly at the other who bit his lip and held in his smile.

"- _and,_ I'm not even under obligation as your boyfriend to pretend to laugh anymore!"

Seokjin smacked him on the shoulder. 

"That's not the attitude of a future boyfriend! Toughen up!" the boy joked. 

Jungkook groaned and signaled the bartender for another round of drinks.

"I'm sure someone in NCT will have me."

"Are you sure that you can go through another round of shovel talks?" the maknae teased. 

Jungkook pouted. 

"At least they're hoobaes! They're socially forced to be polite to me!" 

Seokjin laughed. 

"I'll keep you safe. They won't dare beat you with me standing there." 

"Don't lie, Jinnie. You'd be the one telling them to kick me in the balls."

"And what a well-deserved kick that would be," the blond sighed wistfully. 

Jungkook rolled his eyes and held up his glass.

"A toast to us!" he cheered as more alcohol appeared. It was best to quickly derail Seokjin's evil plans.

"To being old!" they laughed. In the time they spent apart, they both became adults. It was strange to think that they missed each other's milestone.

"Screw diets!" Seokjin stated vehemently as he finished his cocktail. Six cocktails in and thousands of calories over his daily limit. Oh well.

"Screw!" Jungkook agreed as he knocked back a shot.

"No schedules!"

"No forced aegyo!"

"No pretending that I have superpowers!" Seokjin whined with a huff. Jungkook slapped him on the back with a guffaw.

"No AC-less practice rooms!" Seokjin scrunched his nose at the proclamation.

"No practicing in the summer sun!"

"Or the rain!" they cheered together.

"Hey, hyung," Seokjin slurred as he held up a margarita decoration from his collection of empty glasses. "Next time it rains, you can stand under my umbrella-ella-ella," he sang.

Jungkook smiled and shoved his head under the decoration, face millimeters from Seokjin's cute nose.

"No more dating ban."

Seokjin flushed pink.

"Dating bans didn't stop us the first time," he replied.

Jungkook raised a brow.

"It didn't stop us the _first_ time? Did we date a _second time_ that I should know about?"

Seokjin reached for the last shot on the table, knocked it back, and guided the two of them towards the exit.

"Oh look. Much drunk. Spewing nonsense. Let's go," he chattered. Behind him, Jungkook smiled.

"That was the laziest confession I've ever heard."

A taxi coasted to the curb within a second of Seokjin hailing it.

"What grade would you give it?" The blond asked as he scooted into the back seat.

Jungkook gave the driver the address.

"A 69%."

Seokjin gave a small smile out the window.

"So, I passed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I proof-read this after a ten-hour shift, while sitting in a Starbucks, and while playing Pokémon Go... so any heads-up on weirdness in this chapter would be amazing. Emotionally, this chapter was really weird; I tried to transition from the sadness of the last chapter into something more hopeful and fluffy? 
> 
> There will be more of how Seokjin's coping in the next chapter; it just didn't fit in this one. But, if you think that the transition here is awkward, please comment and I'll try to fix it! :D
> 
> Side notes:  
> 1.Yes, the pink burner phone is a shout-out to actual Jin's amazing flip phone that could play videos.  
> 2\. The 69% is a reference to chapter 1. 
> 
> G'night everyone. I'm going to sleep now because I can't feel my brain, and I hope you liked this!!!  
> ＼(▽￣＼(￣▽￣)／￣▽)／


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is dedicated to BTOB's Missing You because that was the perfect mood for this chapter and without it I wouldn't have written a thing. 
> 
> This is anti-dedicated to the men fifty years my senior trying to show me unsolicited pictures of themselves at the gym while I'm writing in a Starbucks. No. Just no.

Seokjin always felt safer when he was high above a city; it didn't matter which one. In-between their schedules, he and Yixing used to climb up to SBS' rooftop when the waiting room became too stuffy. They stood high above the smoky air, swaddled in their oversized hoodies.

It was risky- there were always couples making out- but they loved it regardless. The air was cleaner up there, crisp and cold and Seokjin loved looking up at the stars, unfettered.

It had been Yixing's habit before. The man crept up their dorm building's stairs and curled his mother's quilts around himself. The maknae caught him one night, eyes red as he recalled a terrible dream, and Yixing had only beckoned him under the blanket as they exited the dorm. A couple of managers followed them but there were no elevators that operated that high, so after a few wheezing flights, they stopped. Seokjin pranced up the staircase, youthful energy abounding at the thought of just an hour or two without supervision.

Yixing always smiled softly when they arrived. He dragged a worn mattress from under an air conditioning vent, and laid a clean sheet atop it. Then they snuggled atop the warmer-than-concrete palette and star-gazed.

"Ge said that up that high, he didn't get homesick," Seokjin told her. "Every bustling city looked alike." The man was right, of course. After so many concerts, Seokjin attested that the parts of the cities they performed in all looked the same, all tall buildings and crowded highways. EXO was never allowed to explore and learn what truly made each city unique.

Up that high, BTS' roof looked like EXO's too.

"Are you homesick?" the psychiatrist pressed. Seokjin leaned back onto the unyielding couch as if to shy away from her questions. She'd asked several, and he had refused to answer any of them. He felt bad. He'd been more forthcoming the first time they met but each subsequent appointment felt more like he was sinking into old habits. He thought too much. Their first meeting had been a word vomit confessional but now he thought through his words, weary of her.

She sighed.

"Why did you come today, Seokjin-sshi?"

He focused on the old-fashioned clock on the wall, observing its a round face and uneven arms. His ears picked up the faint tick of each second, the traditionally irritating noise calming his nervous heart.

_Tick tock. Tick tock._

"What brings you here?" she tried again.

Duty, he wanted to tell her. Obligation.

He had a duty to his hyungs, to EXO. He couldn't burden them any more than he already had. Already, the media was poking around his records, trying to piece together why the maknae wasn't a part of the current promotions.

Force.

SM needed a tidy end to this debacle, and the best outcome for them was if he were admitted to an institution. His records would become confidential and they would look responsible for providing him with professional help. A therapist was the next best option. Better yet, Seokjin chose his jailer this time.

"Management." In the end, it was the company brought him here. They pushed him to this point, pushed him beyond his mental and physical limits, and then after he crashed and burned, they drove him here in their tinted windows and when he finished, they'd drive him somewhere else.

(Hopefully off a cliff.)

"Do you want to be here?"

Yes. He knew that for once, the company gave him a schedule that benefitted him.

"Yes," he told her truthfully.

"What do you wish to accomplish here?"

He closed his eyes. Disinfectant from an airport mop filled his nose. Yifan's strong arms engulfed him.

"Happiness."

She tapped on her tablet and waited for him to continue.

"I'm not happy," he admitted. The clock's arms brushed past each other like strangers on a sidewalk.

"I'm trying, though. I'm trying."

If this were a practice room, a stoic trainer would have said 'You're not trying hard enough.' If he were in front of cameras, a PD-nim would yell "Cut!" as a manager scolded his answer. They'd instruct him on what to say and how to say it; they'd make him redo his answer until it looked natural and true and not like the lie it really was.

There was no one here now, just him. For the first time since he entered SM, he was free to express his opinions.

"Why do you want to be happy?"

Why? _He_ didn't want to be happy, _Yifan_ wanted him to be. He couldn't write songs about happiness or dance to express it, but Seokjin could act it. Yifan understood, however, that at some point the maknae would have put his mask down and the happiness would go with it.

When Yifan hugged him that day, his first thought was 'This is my way out. I can be free.' He could leave the company too and no one would bat an eye. He'd be a footnote at the bottom of several torn up contracts. He was young; he could go back to school, start a new career, or find a happier dream. 

When Joonmyun pressed a kiss to his forehead on the hospital bed, he thought, 'I can still leave.' In fact, the company would prefer that; he was a liability now, a shameful mark. If he left the group in the shadow of EXO-M, no one would investigate further.

He could choose to leave without repercussions; he could choose happiness over love. The idol lifestyle made him miserable; he had no desire for money or fame. It was a Catch-22, however, because without his hyungs, he doubted that he could ever know true happiness.

 _Stay with us,_ their eyes pleaded as they left his hospital room. Chanyeol held onto Yifan's puzzle, his quivering heart begging, 'Come back for this. If for nothing else, come back for this.' Kyungsoo restocked his bag with Tao's Mario bandaids and left the empty box on the side table.

'If you want one, come ask me,' his fingers said as they stroked Seokjin's fringe. Joonmyun stole his socks and promised to have them mended when he came back home. Jongdae wore the only hoodie Yifan left in Korea and as he pressed a kiss to Seokjin's forehead, he promised that when the maknae came home, they could alternate weeks with it. 

So Seokjin widened his eyes and painted on a smile he learned from hours of watching dramas as he waved them goodbye. He nuzzled their cheeks and made them promise to stay healthy.

Kyungsoo pressed a paper heart into his palm.

_When you're ready, come back home._

He stared sadly at it. He couldn't. Not now, at least. If he went back, if he had to sit in that empty dorm with its empty memories, he would finish the job he started. He couldn't hurt his hyungs like that again, he couldn't...

Seokjin rolled his head to the side.

(He could have been free.)

"Seokjin-sshi?"

He jolted into the present.

"Yes?" he answered with a smile. She stared back worriedly.

"Are you alright?"

"No." He was far from alright.

The clock's long hand clicked into place. Their session was over.

"I'm really sorry. I really need to go home," he apologized as he bowed.

_When you're ready-_

"I'm not ready," he whispered as he exited the building. Outside, rain trickled down the building's brick, ending in slick pools of oil on the road.

Seokjin jogged to the side of the van, bowing slightly to the manager in the front seat. He shook off the excess rain clinging to his coat and settled in the back seat. He needed something to warm him up.

There were several V LIve notifications on his phone but he only cared about one. EXO had won another music award today and had made a thank you video. Nothing lifted the maknae's spirit more than seeing his mature hyungs' faces puffed up with aegyo. He _needed_ this.

(Them.)

With his fingers continuously pausing the screen, Seokjin gave his hyungs' faces the attention they deserved. His eyes glossed over the orange concealer hiding dark shadows and ignored the ice packs piled in the corner. Instead, he focused on the smear of sauce on Baekhyun's lip, on the sunflower in Jongdae's hands with Seokjin's face on it. Because the maknae was a flower, get it?

(Jungkook complained about his jokes but he was proud to uphold his hyungs' legacy of terrible puns.)

Yixing was noticeably missing. The man had volunteered for rehab in the aftermath of the maknae's overdose. Officially, the dancer had a full Chinese schedule but they knew; Yixing checked into a hospital of his own volition and SM agreed.

"-our Jinnie will be back soon! I know that you're all worried about him and Lay-sshi but we'll be back to OT11 soon. Stay warm and healthy everyone!"

When Joonmyun finished, the group bowed together with a smile, and as their spines straightened, they sent flying kisses towards the camera.

From the back of the van, he sent one back.

"Stay warm too, hyungs."

He could have been free but he'd rather stay with his hyungs.

_(Stay.)_

On the paused screen Chanyeol nommed on a flower petal while Joonmyun pinched the rapper's side with a smile.

The van cruised to the curb as the manager dropped him off in front of Bangtan's building. He stared up at its unfamiliar concrete, glanced down the unfamiliar streets, and clicked his heels three times.

"There's no place like home."

 

Yes. He was homesick. 

* * *

When Seokjin awoke, he squirmed uncomfortably as the 95 line clung to him like needy koalas. The heat was unbearable. Taehyung babbled in an alien tongue while Jimin clutched his arm like it was a eucalyptus branch. He wiggled his way out of their grip and used every ounce of flexibility he earned to untangle himself.

Gnarled toes dropped to the floor. A hand grasped his ankle. His mouth opened to scream but only a strangled garble escaped.

He was too pretty to die. There should be a universal rule somewhere... maybe he could bargain with the goblin under the bed. Maybe... maybe he could make a trade. He'd sacrifice Baekhyun-hyung. The man refused to buy him cake the last time they snuck out.

He was a good maknae, however, and resolved himself to at least attempt to fight before he served his hyungs up on a silver platter. He swung his other leg off the bed and towards the floor with the intention of kicking the monster only to halt with his foot above the creature's face.

"Fire~euuuh."

Even asleep, Jungkook practiced choreography. A giggle escaped Seokjin's lips and the boy pulled his covers and pillows onto the floor and joined his fellow maknae.

JK really had no self-preservation skills. What if Seokjin had accidentally kicked that handsome face?! It would have been a crying shame! A loss to humanity!

He lightly flicked the other boy's fringe as he laid down next to him. He felt bad that Jungkook spent a majority of the night on the floor; he'd make him a special breakfast today.

'I'm a good maknae,' he mused as he made himself comfortable. 'This way, the hyungs have more room,' he nodded. Really. His decision had nothing to do with how Jungkook's arms instinctively wrapped around his waist and how the boy's adorable bunny teeth made an appearance.

Seokjin tucked the elder's face into the juncture of his shoulder and pulled the kicked covers from between their legs and wrapped it around their bodies instead. He rested his hand over Jungkook's heart.

"Fire~euuuh."

Seokjin slapped a hand over the other's mouth. Aish. If it wasn't singing, it was yelling Overwatch commands; Jungkook was losing serious bedfellow points.

* * *

"Your morning breath stinks."

Seokjin lazily swatted at the other maknae. Said male was lucky they weren't dating anymore or Seokjin would have his head on a platter.

"Hypocrite," he moaned as he rolled over. Jungkook shook his shoulder gently.

"Wake up. Hyungs said that we're leaving for the studio soon."

Blankets and pillows rustled as Jungkook threw them back onto the bed. Seokjin whined as a cold draft skated across his skin.

"Why do _I_ have to come?" he flopped face first onto a pillow and kicked his legs in faux frustration. Eventually, he pushed himself up and stared balefully as Jungkook perused his closet of white t-shirts, brows furrowed as he decided on which one to wear. Seokjin snorted; they all looked the same.

"Wear the white one with the white sleeves and the slightly dirty collar," he drawled. Jungkook retaliated by sticking out his tongue.

"Are you going to stay here while I change?" Jungkook shot back.

"Not much to see," he teased. The dancer slowly lifted the hem of his nightshirt, uncovering well-earned abs. Seokjin would deny to the grave that he licked his lips.

"ARE YOU GUYS READY YET?" A still-on-his-first-cup-of-coffee Yoongi bellowed from right outside the door.

The maknae flopped back onto his pillow and laid still for a second before begrudgingly tidying up the floor.

"Hyungie~" Seokjin whined as Jungkook debated between two identical shirts.

"Lend me some clothes, okay?"

Jungkook nonchalantly threw one back. Seokjin scrunched his nose.

"Aish. Not the shirt you wore yesterday! A clean one!"

"EVERYTHING BETTER BE PG-13 IN THERE!" boomed Yoongi's exasperated voice.

Seokjin grumbled and threw the tee into the laundry basket.

"Why can't you wear your own clothes?"

"Don't you think I look cute in your clothes?" Seokjin grinned evilly at the flush crawling up the other's neck.

"I don't see why you have to borrow _my_ clothes-"

"HYUNG! JUNGKOOKIE WON'T GIVE ME CLOTHES TO WEAR!" Seokjin yelled cheerfully at the door.

A hesitant shuffle.

"WE'RE COMING IN!"

_Bang!_

Yoongi and Jimin barged into the room. The younger had his phone in video mode.

"Leave enough room for Jesus!" he cackled.

The duo glanced incredulously at the dancer's phone.

" _You_ need Jesus," Jungkook snorted. At seeing the maknaes fully dressed, Yoongi huffed a relieved sigh.

The rapper tossed one of Namjoon's shirts at Seokjin who pouted and glared at Jungkook.

"You splattered sesame oil on the last shirt I lent you," the dancer defended. Seokjin glared harder.

" _I see._ I'll just never cook for you again, won't I? That way I'll never splash sesame oil on your clothes again!"

Yoongi and Jimin hastily retreated. When the maknaes finished dressing, Yoongi bopped Jungkook on the head as the boy went past.

"Did hyung raise you to be a barbarian?" he chided. "Everyone knows not to piss off the cook."

"Hyung," Jungkook laughed. "You're the roughest barbarian I know."

"Don't think about eating my kimbap, Jeon Jungkook!" Seokjin raged from the front door.

Yoongi cracked a smile.

"Sounds like you're in the doghouse, kid."

Jungkook shrugged with a grin. An angry Seokjin was a pink-faced Seokjin with adorable puffed-up cheeks.

In the days following Seokjin's move to Bangtan's dorm, Jungkook had noticed that maknae kept up a happy facade. It was worn around the boy's laughter lines, slightly faded around his crinkled eyes, and ever-present in his shy smile and restrained laughter.

Jungkook hated it, hated how he could see through the translucent smile in the morning light, hated how the only time he could properly see his friend was at dawn, when the maknae was still half-asleep, his hair as unmade as his mask.

Seokjin pretended to be happy, and Jungkook hated how the boy thought that this fake version was in any way superior to the real one. Seokjin wasn't any more healed now than when he had been at the hospital, wasn't any more healed than the months before.

The only time he spotted real emotion on the maknae's face was when Seokjin allowed himself a rush of fury because anger was one of the few emotions he remembered.

He hadn't become apathetic, not entirely. There were sparks of emotion in the boy that Jungkook was determined to tease out if only to remind himself that even though he was as beautiful as a statue, Seokjin wasn't one.

So yes, Jungkook disliked purposefully irritating the boy but he'd do it again, over and over, just to see the fire back in those eyes. And really, he knew his Jinnie better than he knew his choreography, so four hours later, after Bangtan steamed up their practice room with sweat, Seokjin handed him a container with his favorite kimbap and a Pocari Sweat and he leaned over to peck the boy on the cheek.

Behind them, Jimin and Taehyung mimed gagging. Namjoon called for them all to congregate towards where Yoongi was sprawled on the floor so that they could take a group photo for Twitter. They were sweaty and gross and being that close to each other was a sensory nightmare but they gritted their teeth and smiled.

Seokjin cooed.

They slumped against the glass, their feet sore and their limbs aching from their strenuous choreography. As soon as Seokjin confirmed that the photo had been taken, Hoseok immediately reached for a half-melted ice pack to lay across his calves. They remained crowded around their leader and eagerly watched their retweet count climb.

"Time's up, kids!" the choreographer said cheerfully as more fans responded. Bangtan accused the man of being a sadist but crawled to their positions nonetheless. Seokjin shook a Bangtan bomb cheerfully from the sidelines.

"Hyungs, hwaiting!" he smiled.

The maknae snapped a photo with his face obscured by a lightstick.

  

_✧･ﾟ: _✧･ﾟ:_ 'waaah! so excited for BTS' new songggggggggg. I Need U for RUNning new song! hahaha. jk. i hate exercise  >:) ' _:･ﾟ✧_ :･ﾟ✧_

 

_Ding!_

His head whipped around.

 _There_ it was, the sound that eluded him.

It was an innocuous sound. It was common. It varied.

Sometimes notification alerts sounded like a chirping bird or a muffled gong; sometimes it was someone's pre-recorded laugh. The alert that went off was a stock sound pre-saved into someone's phone, an impersonal sound.

 

 _Ding!_  

 

-but there was something special about _this_ sound because right after Seokjin posted on EatJin he heard it.

Sehun's EatJin alert had been a clip of Chanyeol screaming 'Fuck,' while Kyungsoo's had been the tinny chime of a bell. The others had default settings for theirs; Twitter or Naver or Weibo or EatJin were all the same.

Maybe _this_ particular alert was a coincidence; maybe it had nothing to do with EatJin at all. He thought about posting again but didn't want to disrupt Bangtan's practice because of his curiosity.

Still.

He was curious. Was someone following EatJin? Did they know that it was him? Maybe they just liked his food pics?

Some of his hyungs had shut off their alerts after the exodus. It would be nice to hear the familiar chirps again.

* * *

That night, he stared out of the window, the dust on the glass sprinkling the sky with more stars. He swiped his finger across it, the dirt trails akin to a comet tail.

 

☆.｡.:* _did you wish on a star tonight?_ .｡.:* ☆

 

He strained his ears and heard a faint _'ding'_. It made him smile as he snuck into the living room, his blanket cloak brushing against his ankles. To his surprise, he wasn't the only one awake.

"Insomnia too, huh?" Yoongi hefted his backpack higher on his shoulder.

Seokjin shrugged. Sleep was the one thing companies never scheduled for their idols; it forever eluded them. Usually, at this hour, he'd be on his way to filming if he wasn't already in front of a camera.

"Are you going somewhere, hyung?" he motioned to the bag. The rapper nodded.

"Just some last minute editting."

The maknae held back a wry smile. The rapper had been last-minute editing his mixtape since he'd let Seokjin listen to it in the hospital.

"Want to come along?"

Seokjin nodded furiously. He slipped into Jungkook's room and snatched his charger and laptop from the desk. The dancer scrunched his nose at the disturbance.

As he shuffled out, he threw several water bottles and protein bars into his bag. The rapper held out a spare sweater that he shimmied on.

"Ready?"

Seokjin hummed in agreement and let Yoongi's firm hand on his back guide him towards the door.

The two of them crept down the stairs, their footsteps light as they headed towards the studio. Dew clung to Seokjin's hightops as they sped down the street, their breaths filling the air with clouds.

Seoul at night held a magical aura. A few taxis passed them as they jogged, hoods up to keep the chill from nipping their ears. It didn't help much; by the time they arrived, their ears were red and their cheeks pink. Yoongi led them to the 'Genius Lab' but Seokjin shook his head.

"Don't want to bother you. I can practice in the dance room instead but you have to promise that I'll get to hear your mixtape officially, someday, okay?" he teased.

"Cheeky brat," Yoongi smiled as he escorted the maknae to said room. Seokjin stopped him and threw a handful of water bottles and food into the room.

"Now we can go!" The man shook his head fondly. It was a short walk to the other room. Seokjin made a show of building a nest in the corner and charging his laptop. As soon as the rapper left, he stripped off the sweater and placed the laptop in the center of the room.

He opened the video of EXO's newest choreography. Jongin and Sehun recorded it together and roped Baekhyun into manning the phone. The elder gave a running commentary on the song and the moves. It was likely, the singer theorized, that in an OT11 formation, Seokjin would need to watch out for Chanyeol's long limbs.

He rewatched it twice before deciding that muting the video might be best. He loved Baekhyun's nervous rambling but it was not conducive to focusing.

The basics were simple; he was a professional, after all. EXO's choreography, however, stressed synchronization and formation, something he could only perfect with the others. By the end of the first hour, he felt comfortable with the routine. It was a poppy song with easy beats; Seokjin wished that he could dance to one of Chanyeol's slower songs, one day.

He pressed play again. The intro was just long enough for EXO-L's fanchant.

The drumbeat entered. His head snapped up; his training kicked in.

His greatest achievement was becoming EXO's Kim Seokjin; in the future, when he retired, this would still be how people recognized him.

It didn't matter that he was learning the dance to a song he may never perform; it didn't matter that he learned lyrics that would never be his. What mattered was that he tried, that he was try _ing_.

He planned on going home one day, and when he did, he would be ready to stand proudly next to his hyungs.

When he learned his lines and the choreography, when learned how to be happy, when he was ready... he'd go back home.

* * *

"I'm trying," he told her.

The corner of her lips lifted wryly.

"That's all anyone can ever ask of you," she replied.

'No,' he thought as the shadow of an airplane darkened the sky. They always asked for more.

(He'd given them all he had but it wasn't enough. _He_ wasn't enough.)

She leaned forward.

"It doesn't matter what they want. What do _you_ want?"

He shook his head and gave her a self-deprecating smile.

"I'm pretty sure that's not what my contract says."

She didn't return his bitter smile.

* * *

 

 **[jinsome]** : hyungs worked really hard today!

 **[su-momma]** : omo. our maknae is the cutest (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

 **[jinsome]** : your new episode was so funny! o(≧∇≦o)(o≧∇≦)o

 **[d.o. remi]** : then why does eatjin only have bts posts?

 **[crispybaekon]** : *shook*

 **[happyvirus]** : *gasp*

 **[dinodick]** : stan us too! (ू˃̣̣̣̣̣̣︿˂̣̣̣̣̣̣ ू)

 **[jinsome]** : ... >_>

 **[jinsome]** : i can't /not/ post about kookie's thighs!

 **[happy virus]** : ex/cuse/ me? prime thigh candy right here!

 **[d.o. remi]** : *over there

 **[d.o. remi]** : *points to jongin*

 **[dancemachine]** : *flashes thighs*

 **[jinsome]** : ... -_-"

 **[jinsome]** : DAE-HYUNG!

 **[jinsome]** : you're recording chinese osts???? <3

 **[dinodick]** : yes! for romantic comedies~

 **[jinsome]** : yay! i'm so proud of you, hyungie!!!!

 **[jinsome]** : ( ˘ ³˘)♥

 **[crispybaekon]** : are we going to disregard how he ignored our jongin's wondrous thighs???

 **[happyvirus]** : thats right!

 **[jinsome]** : -(not) my type

 **[minseokindick]** : *thumbs up*

 **[dancemachine]** : >:(

 

* * *

  

_✧･ﾟ: _✧･ﾟ:_ delicious, right? _:･ﾟ✧_ :･ﾟ✧_

 

_eatjin has uploaded an attachment._

And then...

_Ding!_

Seokjin smiled in satisfaction.

* * *

"Jinnie-ah! Show hyungs your pretty face!" the maknae laughed as he continued to caramelize the onions with his phone pressed between his shoulder and cheek.

"I'm a little busy, hyungs!"

"Well, get that singing boy to film you!"

Seokjin snorted.

"I told you not to call him that, Xing-ge!" he said in faux exasperation.

"Is Yixing-hyung talking bad about me again?" Jungkook teased as he entered the kitchen. The maknae rolled his eyes.

" _As usual,_ " he told his phone scathingly. The dancer plucked the phone from its precarious position.

"Hello, hyungs."

"Jungkook-ah! Could you do us a favor?"

The boy raised a brow.

"Yes?"

"Switch to video call, would you?"

"-we've been deprived of our maknae's beauty!"

"Yeah! We've had to look at Sehunnie's ugly mug for the past several hours."

" _Excuse me?_ "

"Well," a quiet voice murmured, "It's not his _face_ we usually look at, is it?"

Seokjin giggled as he fed his companion a piece of bulgogi.

"Alright, alright. He's getting it set up now," Seokjin shushed as he danced towards the sink.

Jungkook waited patiently for a stable connection as EXO continued to bicker. When the request finally completed, he waved at them cheerfully.

Minseok's resting bitch face greeted him.

"Not that you're not very handsome, Jungkookie-ah, but if we wanted to see your face, we'd just walk into Seokjinnie's room."

Said maknae screeched as he whirled around. Soap suds and water flew everywhere.

" _Don't expose me!_ " he wailed. Jungkook made sure to hide his smirk and switched the camera focus.

It was a short video; Seokjin was already cleaning up and awaiting the arrival of the rest of Bangtan. Afterwards, it became a habit for EXO to video call in when their schedules allowed. Usually, it was Taehyung or Namjoon who filmed the video version of EatJin since neither of them could cook. Jungkook and Jimin were always off to the side, chopping and slicing while Hoseok and Yoongi cleared the table.

Their maknae looked happy, and that evaporated EXO's stress better than any caffeine or nap.

* * *

There was a kitchen incident before the video calls that necessitated an immediate decree from BigHit that Namjoon (and later Taehyung) were not allowed to cook. They sulked around the kitchen, trying to at least set the table or plate the dishes, _anything_ to contribute but the other members were adamant that they stayed two rooms away at all times.

Seokjin barely recalled the incident. He and Yoongi had fallen asleep on the couch after returning from one of their insomnia studio sessions. The maknae's head was pillowed against Yoongi's shoulder and they laid like fallen dominos.

He vaguely remembered opening his eyes, seeing darkness, thinking that it was still early in the morning, and then closing his eyes again.

"Namjoon-hyung tried to make breakfast," Jimin sighed.

Yoongi groaned and burrowed himself further under the covers.

"Our dorm is on fire," Jungkook prodded his recalcitrant hyung. Seokjin peeked open an eye, and oh yeah, that was smoke, not normal daybreak darkness.

"There's a fire extinguisher near the window," the eldest grunted.

"There are fried rice leftovers in the fridge," Seokjin chimed in. Yoongi grunted again and shooed the standing two away.

"I'll get it!" Taehyung called out as he opened the fridge. The not-on-fire members of Bangtan cheered.

"STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!" Hoseok screeched. On the couch, Yoongi tensed and breathed slowly through his nose.

"Do you think EXO needs another rapper?" he murmured quietly in the maknae's ear.

"As long as you know that you're going to be sharing a stage with 'Shawty imma party 'til the sundown."

"Hm... I already have to share a stage with 'imma beat that pussy.'"

"WHY AM I STILL ON FIRE?!"

"Did someone open the windows?" Yoongi grunted.

"Of course, hyung," Jimin snorted as he forced himself into the couch cocoon.

"Are we really going to ignore the fact that our leader's still on fire?" Jungkook asked curiously as he too tried to snuggle on the couch but there was no more blanket to share. Instead, he grabbed a hoodie from the back of the couch and draped it over himself as he flopped himself on top of Seokjin.

Yoongi reached out his arms and pet both of his dongsaengs' heads.

"As Bangtan's eldest, I'm ordering us all to take a small nap."

"Does that mean that I get to have a single room?" Jungkook asked. Yoongi swatted at him.

"We'll play rock, paper, scissors, for it." Seokjin felt the vocalist's smile against his skin. The rapper hadn't said _'no.'_

"Seokjinnie can be my roommate in the meantime," the boy asserted. He deserved the second whack to the head.

"In your dreams, kid."

" _Well,_ " Seokjin interjected. He received a slap on his head too.

"Aw, Yoongi-hyung. You know I'd rather room with you! Kookie dances and shouts Overwatch commands in his sleep."

He absolutely did not deserve the bite to the shoulder, at least without a proper roasting and some salt and pepper.

Lol.

* * *

Breakfast was only slightly less burnt without taejoon's interference.

  

_✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*  total flop!! （Ω Д Ω） *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧_

 

_eatjin has uploaded a picture._

_Ding!_

Jungkook stared at the picture of burnt waffles and then stared at the equally pitiful plate in front of him. In fact, the _same_ plate with the _same_ waffles. Actually, the terrible part was that the dancer wasn't sure if the dark spots were charred bits or chocolate chips.

"Hyung?"

Jungkook glanced up. Seokjin's eyes were glued to the elder's phone.

"Yes?" he feigned ignorance. His lips quirked.

Months ago, Chanyeol told him about EatJin. He loved the site. He scrolled through the numerous archived entries, re-living their dates, loved reading through the comments and soaking in the supportive vibe from a majority of them. He wasn't sure if these followers would defend EatJin and his mysterious bf in real life but having their online support was better than not having it at all.

He loved that EatJin was the maknae's outlet, that when he couldn't trust the reassurances spilling from the boy's mouth, he could trust the posts at least. The blog was a shrine to the boy's devotion, his passion.

There were pages upon pages of Yifan's face during the time the maknae had sworn that rumors were rumors and that the man wasn't leaving. Dozens of pictures of Tao and Luhan too.

There were pages upon pages of food. Of their dates. Of cold, spring days that required scarves to hide red noses and an arm around the waist to keep one warm.

There were pages and pages. Pages and pages.

Jungkook took pride in being a part of EatJin. He found parts of himself tucked into every nook and cranny, from the pale yellow banners to the numerous cups of mocha to the pretty daisies adorning the bottom of the screen.

Seokjin's fingers skimmed across the flowers as if he could recognize the site by touch. His eyes were round and large, uncertain as he stood in front of Jungkook. The elder smiled and handed the boy his phone while simultaneously snatching the pink one from the counter. Perfect. Seokjin was logged in as the administrator.

  

_✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* annh. this is kimchikook. eatjin is being overdramatic; some of those dark spots are chocolate *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧_

 

_Ding!_

The maknae startled and stared uncomprehendingly at the screen. Jungkook ripped off a chunk of waffle.

 

 **[guest]** : _omomo. was that the boyfriend???_

 **[guest]** : _bf????_

 **[guest]** : _HE EXISTS!!!!_

 **[guest]** : _who's the better cook??? kekekeke_

 

"Hyung! Give me back my phone!" he whined once the shook wore off. Jungkook held the electronic just out of his reach.

"Nuh uh. I have to assert my superiority in the kitchen," he teased. Seokjin pouted as he slapped the other's pectorals.

"Those glazed potatoes were superior to cement, all right!"

Jungkook laughed and handed the phone back when the maknae flashed a watery moue. He snatched his own phone and browsed through the blog with a smile. 

After a moment, Seokjin made a choked noise of confusion. 

"Did you change my password?? And then log me out??!" the maknae exclaimed. Jungkook chuckled. 

"I could," he began as he flicked away the boy's fingers from his phone, "-be  _persuaded_ to add you as a co-admin to my new blog." 

" _Your_ blog?!"

  

ᕦ(òóˇ)ᕤ *＊✿❀    _kimchikook again. this is no longer eatjin's blog ;)_     ❀✿＊* ᕦ(òóˇ)ᕤ 

 

_Ding!_

The younger stared unblinkingly at the update before an angry flush rose up his neck. 

"Unbelievable. You can't hijack my blog then solicate sexual favors from me, you heathen! Have you no shame?!" Seokjin ranted. "I hope Bangtan does a cutesy concept and you're forced to wear flowers and bowties and stuffed animals!" he cursed.

The elder kiseed the other's fingertips in a bid to quell his anger.

"Yoongi-hyung would disband us before it got to that point. Besides, what did you expect with such an easy password? 'Kim Seokjin is Worldwide Handsome,'  _really?_ You didn't even have numbers in it!"

"Well maybe my next one will be 'jeon jungkook has a 2 inch dick!" the boy sassed. 

Jungkook's eyes lit up; he loved sassy Seokjin. It was his third favorite Jin after happy!Jin and fucked out!Jin. 

"Well, no one would ever think of such an outrageous lie as that," he responded mock haughtily, "And honestly, the pros say that having two numbers is more secure, so in the name of safety, you should change that password to ' _12_ inch dick.'" He smirked as he continued to decimate his breakfast. 

Ugh. Charred bits. 

Seokjin tapped his foot impatiently. 

"I don't know  _why_ you thought that stealing my blog would be a good idea or  _how_ you found out about it!" he complained. 

Jungkook smirked. 

"Why not? It's all about me, isn't it?" 

The maknae turned beet red. 

" _No._ My site just appreciates BTS' Jungkook.  _You're_ just some guy I used to give blowjobs to." 

" _Past_ tense, huh?" 

Seokjin rolled his eyes. 

"Well, I'm not blowing you  _now,_ so yes. Past tense." 

 

 **[guest]** : _bf! tell us eatjin's secrets!_

 **[guest]** : _wat is he like b4 cofee? haha_

 

"Give me one good reason why I should even entertain the  _ludicrous_  idea of you posting on EatJin," Seokjin said with his arms akimbo.

Jungkook handed his own phone with admin powers to the boy as a peace offering. The other snatched it from his hands with a huff. 

"EatJin's a little biased, isn't it?" Jungkook continued to tease. "I thought that it could use more EXO's Jin appreciation."

"Then you can make your _own_ blog!" Seokjin wailed. 

Jungkook patted the youngest's butt and drizzled syrup onto the remaining waffles.

"That's a little lonely, isn't it? I'm sure EXO's Jin would be happier sharing a blog with BTS' JK."

"... _you sappy seagull_ " he groused. He added another administrative account anyways because loathed as the maknae was to admit it, he'd missed JK. Before succumbing to sleep after his previous days of long schedules, Seokjin wondered what the elder was up to, wondered what he ate or where he was. The maknae hoped that EatJin could become their two-way street, that when (not if, never if) Seokjin returned to EXO, he'd have a way to check up on the other maknae too.

 

 **[guest]** : _on a scale of handsomeness, how would you rate him???_

 

ᕦ(òóˇ)ᕤ *＊✿❀     _worldwide handsome ;)_     ❀✿＊* ᕦ(òóˇ)ᕤ

 

_Ding!_

Seokjin's lips smacked him on the cheek before the chef waltzed away, his ears burning red as he did the dishes. Jungkook smiled and occupied himself with perusing more of EatJin and availing the younger of every comment he kept to himself in the months before.

"I could have gotten you better tickets if you asked!" he tutted as he scrolled past the only picture of a Bangtan concert EatJin had ever been to. The sea of Bangtan bombs was amazing but seats were so far away that the members looked like tiny floaters in a person's eye.

"Yah, hyung. Stop being lazy and help me dry the dishes." Jungkook laughed and took the clean plates if only to ease the small crease between the youngest's eyes.

"Aw, can't have my little bunny getting angry," he cooed. Seokjin stared at him uncomprehendingly.

" _You're_ the bunny! Bunny kook! I'm a llama, remember?" he said, bewildered.

"Wasn't there a picture on EatJin with the Molang bunny painted on your nails?" Jungkook was sure of it. He had it saved for potential blackmail material, after all. The pink and white stripes really suited the boy.

Seokjin's cheeks puffed up.

"Taeyeon-noona had the day off!" he pouted. "I can't say 'no' to her; Baekhyun-hyung would _beat_ me."

"Not because she's your favorite noona?"

"She is _absolutely_ my favorite noona," Seokjin said as he stuck his tongue out.

"Well, maybe next time she's bored she can give us matching nails, huh?" He sputtered as the maknae splashed him with soapy water. Through his burning eyes, he spotted Seokjin's reddening neck.

"...she'd probably like that."

Jungkook harrumphed as he rinsed his eyes.

* * *

That night, after a Mario Kart/Overwatch gaming session, Jungkook dug through the mess in his room until he found the stack of Seokjin photocards he had confiscated the first time the maknae visited the dorm. He fanned them out, and at the center, he flipped the photobook open to his favorite face.

 

ᕦ(òóˇ)ᕤ *＊✿❀    _exo all the wayyyy! who's with me?_     ✿＊* ᕦ(òóˇ)ᕤ

 

_kimchikook has uploaded a photo._

 And that was the moment people credited as the beginning of the fandom war.

It was worth Taehyung's outraged shriek to see Seokjin's bright smile as the maknae flashed the post around the dorm. It was so worth the noogie Jimin so graciously bestowed upon him and the friendly thigh slap Hobi-hyung gave him every time they passed each other. He didn't appreciate Yoongi-hyung's chokehold, but whatever.

Worth it.

Over the next few days, inspiration bloomed in his mind. He was in the production room when the idea took hold. He snatched a piece of scrap paper from the recycling pin, liberated one of the many pens with Yoongi's teeth marks on the cap, and got to work.

The logo was a gigantic block EAT sitting atop a smaller 'jin.' He scribbled that the EAT should be outlined in black and filled in with a soft pink. The same design went for KIMCHIkook, with a pale yellow instead. This way Seokjin wouldn't have to redo the blog's theme. It took him hours to perfect it, adding flowery details around the words but he finally sat back in his seat and smiled. The emphasis was on giant EATKIMCHI but underneath, in thin, black script, was 'jinkook.'

He grinned at his masterpiece. He was supposed to write a solo song but this was a much better use of his time.

Nerves prevented him from showing the maknae his design, so Instead, he left it tucked under the singer's phone for him to find in the morning. He couldn't sleep that night and tossed and turned so irritably that he managed to wake Namjoon up from a bear-like slumber.

"gdf-gd-e-kay, Kookie?" the leader mumbled.

"Yeah, sorry hyung," Jungkook murmured back. Instead of attempting to sleep, he snuck out to the living room and logged into Overwatch. If all he was going to do was toss and turn, this was a better use of that time as well.

He wasn't sure how long he played but he was positive that he woke too damn early.

"Yah!"

Jungkook whined as something smacked him on the shoulder. His headset pressed painfully against his ear.

"Yah! You can't just sneak something like this!" the maknae cried aloud. He heard giggles behind him, probably from one of the terrible twins.

"I know that you're awake, Jeon Jungkook. Don't make me pinch you!"

Jungkook reached out and grabbed the maknae by the sleeve and dragged him down.

"Ooff! You muscle pig!" he shrieked. Jungkook sighed and made them comfortable on the floor.

"Sshhhh," he soothed. His fingers still ached from his last raid so he couldn't have been asleep for long; more sleep was a necessity.

Pressed against him, Seokjin snorted but didn't maneuver his way out of the other's arms.

Someone above them cooed as he tucked Seokjin's head under his chin. A blanket settled over them a pillow slid under his head.

"Thanks, hyungs," he muttered. Someone wiggled behind him and clung to them like a limpet. Going by the Gucci cologne, it was probably Taehyung.

"Let's have a maknae line threesome," someone who was definitely Taehyung joked. Jungkook tightened his hold on Seokjin and turned his shoulder into his hyung's face.

"Looks like you got turned down, Taetae," Jimin chuckled gleefully before resting his feet on the trio like they were a footrest.

Ugh.

_Hyungs._

* * *

 

✧･ﾟ: _✧･ﾟ:_ _BTS' new song is going to be the most hype song ever!!!!!_ _:･ﾟ✧_ :･ﾟ✧

 

**[kimchikook]** : annh. this is kimchikook

 **[kimchikook]** : i must disagree with eatjin. evy1 knows that overdose is a more hyped song

 **[eatjin]** : take that back hyung.

 **[kimchikook]** : make me

 **[guest]** : _omo, is this a couple fight?_

 **[guest]** : _theyh ave different favs!!!_

 **[guest]** : _grounds for divorce!_

 **[guest]** : _it's ok, kimchikook! eatjin can take bts' jungkook and you can have your exo fav!_

 **[guest]** : _unless it's seokjin! that's eatjin's exo fav!_

 **[kimchikook]** : thanks anon. i'm glad. i get to have suho all to myself.

 

From across the room, Seokjin rolled his eyes.

* * *

"Have you ever thought about quitting?"

They laid atop a blanket on the roof, hiding from the midday sun in the shadow of a billboard. Seokjin sighed at Jungkook's question.

 _The industry,_ he mentally clarified. With JK, he felt compelled to be more truthful.

Yes. Always. Every damn night he spent in stuffy airplanes, every morning as he heard the rumbling of his hyungs' stomachs from another skipped meal.

"Yeah," he replied simply. He turned his head to the side, staring at Jungkook's side profile.

"Have you?" he asked.

The other stared at the fluffy clouds overhead, their shadows cooling the maknaes' heated skin.

"Never."

 _Always._ They both heard through his lie. All idols doubted their decision, just less if they made it big, and Bangtan hadn't made it big, not yet, not really.

Seokjin hummed quietly and wrapped a crooked pinky around Jungkook's. He didn't press for details.

(If Jungkook lied to himself, lied to Seokjin, then with whom could he trust with the truth?)

"Sometimes," he quietly amended.

Silence stretched between them.

"Do you think that we debuted too young?"

Absolutely.

Jungkook squeezed their pinkies together.

"No."

Of course they debuted too young but if they hadn't, they wouldn't have their hyungs, would they? They'd be hyungs themselves.

"I guess you're right," Seokjin began. "Can you imagine if our companies waited with us? If we were both the hyungs of our groups?" he giggled.

Jungkook snorted.

"You'd be a disaster. You'd fight the actual maknae over food and aegyo."

Seokjin untwined their pinkies to flick Jungkook on the forehead.

"Yah. I can't help that I'm naturally cute!"

Jungkook laughed. Seokjinnie as a hyung would be bullied so badly by his maknae. Affectionately, of course, because who could ever be mean-spirited towards this flower?

"They'd call you a madnae."

"Well, you'd be a dictator. Jiminie-hyung already says that it's maknae on top. If you were an actual hyung, you'd be unstoppable."

Jungkook shoved him. He liked to think that he would have been like Yoongi-hyung, tough and completely tsundere.

"Aren't I a good hyung to you?" Jungkook said as he turned to face the younger who smiled back.

"Not at all."

The dancer playfully shoved his shoulder.

"What you _are,_ however, is a well-hung hyung," he giggled.

Jungkook snorted.

"As your most well-endowed hyung, I'm telling you that you're ridiculous."

Seokjin eyed him cautiously before piping up.

"Woah there. I said that you were okay, not that you're the best."

The dancer's eyes narrowed as he beckoned the maknae to continue.

He shrugged.

"There's more than one reason why we call Sehun-hyung 'maknae on top.'"

Jungkook blinked slowly before vengefully pinching the youngest's nipples. Shrieks filled the air.

"Yah! Jeon Jungkook! Don't punish me just because you can't handle the truth!"

Jungkook pouted and reached out to enact more revenge but Seokjin batted his hands away.

"HunJin forever!" he crowed.

* * *

 

 **[hunjin]** : so i hear that you're jealous of my big dick

 

_**hunjin** has been kicked out of the chatroom._

 

 **[jinyeol]** : size doesn't matter if its useless ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **[jinsoo]** : you would know

 **[jinsoo]** : you're the expert on useless dicks

 **[baekjin]** : i resent that statement

 **[baekjin]** : yeol does not have a useless dick NOR

 **[baekjin]** : has he had a lot of useless idcks

 **[jinmyun]** : that would make you the useless dick hes had a lot of 

 **[baekjin]** : ಠ_ಠ

 **[baekjin]** : babe. defend me. (๑•̀д•́๑)

 

_**jinyeol** has left the chat._

 

 **[jindae]** : WOW

 **[minjin]** : lol

 **[sin]** : suddenly remember why Im' still in this chat

 **[jindae]** : ...who dat?

 **[jinkook]** : hold on, hyung. i got this

 

_**sin** has been changed to **yoonjin.**_

 

 **[jinkook]** : way to fail, yoongi-hyung

 **[yoonjin]** : ...

 **[jinsoo]** : ... sin? at least that's not as bad as sope

 **[yoonjin]** : what does kaisoo even stand for? kai and soojung?

 **[jinsoo]** : i

 **[jindae]** : OOH DAYUM. SHOTS FIRED

 **[jinkook]** : um...

 **[jinmyun]** : ksoo just stormed out of here with a frying pan

 **[yoonjin]** : ill be waiting with a baseball bat

 **[yoonjin]** : again

 

 **hunjin** _has been added to the chat!_

 

 **[hunjin]:** dont be a hater just bc im naturally gifted _  
_

**[hunjin]** : also. 

 **[hunjin]** : there are either cats in heat outside of our dorm or baekyeol are having sex 

 **[minjin]** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

* * *

Seokjin preferred rooftops littered with birds and air but Jungkook preferred places closer to the ground. When he was a trainee, he and Taehyung used to play at the park near the studio, swinging under the moonlight. Now, he sat under a large maple, cross-legged on the dirt as he listened to Namjoon-hyung's copy of 'Awake.'

During his first run-through, he let go of the breath lodged in his throat. For the second, he shook his head in confusion and played it again, focusing more on the lyrics and less on the tremor in Jin's voice. By the time the rain poured onto Seoul, Jungkook was already in tears.

Around him, people ran. Mothers ushered their children under umbrellas as rain battered the pavement, as business professionals booked it to save their expensive suits. Around him, birds' songs were drowned out by the roar of thunder as thick clouds blanketed the sky.

With his headphones plugged in and Seokjin's soft voice crooning in his ears, Jungkook finally felt at peace, as if the stress of growing up too fast had been eased.

Here, in the rain, no one asked him to sign autographs or show off his abs or ask about a girlfriend or to tattle on his hyungs. He loved his fans and being an idol but sometimes he wanted to think in silence. Sometimes he wondered if he became an idol too young, achieved fame too early in his life to feel like he lived any part of his life at all.

(But he was living those lost moments with Seokjin. He'd gone through love and pain and loss with the maknae. He'd gone through jealousy with _Namjin_ but now he knew that they'd been a business relationship; he was still Seokjin's BTS favorite.)

* * *

Jungkook kept EXO frequently updated. Sometimes in lieu of an update, he sent tips, such as "Compliment him on his knife skills. He's been practicing how to julienne," or "See his plating? Please tell him that what he did with the cucumbers makes them look like penguins. It doesn't matter what they actually look like; they're supposed to be penguins."

Some days he had nothing to contribute. During those times, Yoongi interjected and told them about the latest drama that the boy fanboyed over, cackling over the tissue boxes that were emptied after every episode. EXO's 92 line implemented drama nights where they crashed into a waiting room corner and pressed their faces together to see dramas on someone's phone. And then, when they called their maknae, they'd laugh and cry together.

Sometimes there was simply nothing to say; the EXO+jk+suga group chat remained silent. They were all busy.

 

 **[jinmyun]** : how's our precious maknae doing?

 

Jungkook's fingers fumbled for an answer.

They didn't have cooking video chats every day or even every week; EXO was too busy and Bangtan had shit eating habits. During those times, EXO texted Jungkook for updates that he faithfully gave. He responded with photos or links to EatJin or reviews of new recipes the youngest was working on.

But there were days/weeks where he had nothing to say, where he'd been holed up in a recording booth, and Seokjin hadn't felt like cooking so they'd all ordered take out for every meal. That wasn't a problem because once their comeback date was set, they wouldn't be able to eat the fried goodness that they could now. It saddened him, however, not because his hyungs ate like crap, but because cooking was usually an activity that the maknae enjoyed and now he felt apathetic to it.

So when cooking and eating failed to lift the youngest's mood, Jungkook turned to the great distractor: television. He let Seokjin choose the show. Sometimes the idol wanted slapstick, wanted to smack his thighs in laughter, his fingers clutching Jungkook's shoulder as he squeaked in glee. Sometimes, when the smog outside grayed out the skies or the rain misted just enough to cause melancholy, Seokjin liked to watch dramas. They pressed together on the couch, blankets pulled up to their shoulders and a box of tissues between them.

More often than not, however, Seokjin stared disinterestedly at the screen. Eventually, he fell asleep, his body warm as Jungkook covered them in more blankets.

When television failed, there were puzzles. When puzzles failed, there were dog cafes. When dog cafes failed, there was always another activity that used to make the maknae happy but was just a nuisance now.

 _Anhedonia,_ Jungkook read online, _the loss of feeling pleasure for things that once were pleasurable._

It was not a surprise, then, when he spotted the bottle. At first it was just a flash of white in the empty expanse of a bag, a sight so fleeting that the vocalist assumed that it was a napkin or a charger. It didn't jingle, which made him doubt his sight for days. Jungkook watched as its shadow jostled in the front pocket but never heard the telltale sound of pills shuffling together, watched as sometimes it disappeared, watched as it reappeared again.

It wasn't empty. He twisted the cap open when Seokjin was in the shower. The empty space was stuffed with cotton balls to prevent sound, and at the bottom were a handful of tiny, cylindrical pills. There weren't enough to overdose on-

-but having them at all was damning enough.

The bottle was generic. It could have originally belonged to any vitamin or anti-inflammatory; a small white bottle to match the small, white pills. Jungkook hadn't wanted to assume but the lack of prescription label, or any label, really, was proof enough. So that night, Jungkook tucked the bottle into his own bag and waited.

He waited for a panicked maknae the morning after. For a crazed look or accusations but the sun rose and set yet the boy hadn't so much as sneezed the wrong way.

Still, he waited for the day he'd return to the dorm to find their room overturned and trashed in the boy's frantic search but the day never came.

So one day, Jungkook put the bottle back.

It was one of those rare nights when Seokjin and he shared a bed; Taehyung was currently the favorite teddy bear. The boy's face was turned towards the desk, his eyelids watching as Jungkook's nimble fingers silently tucked the bottle back.

The dancer sat on the floor in front of the pocket, his fingers tracing its outline. It bulged out from the worn canvas, its shape obscured. What would the fans make of it? Would that ugly bulge be ignored? Explained away as vitamins or headache medicine? Maybe a bulky laptop charger?

Jungkook crawled to the edge of his bed. His fingers naturally slipped into Seokjin's hand. The younger clutched it instinctively and the elder pressed his forehead against their clasped fingers.

Could he spot the difference? If Seokjin took the pills, would he seem different? Happier? More at peace? Or was it possible for him to spiral further down?

Would the pills ease his pain? Would a smile on Seokjin's face be a result of healing or a result of the pills? Would he never know until one day, he'd return to the dorm to Seokjin's body on the ground, as cold and pale as the melting snow outside?

Jungkook pressed his forehead against their clasped hands and gazed at the face he fell in love with. He knelt on the floorboards like a sinner and prayed that this boy would find happiness.

He thought of the bottle, of the small white pills that Seokjin swore to his EXO hyungs that he threw away. He thought about how quiet they must have made the world seem, how muted the criticisms and insecurities must have been. How deligh-

No. He couldn't be jealous that the other found an outlet, found a way to silence the criticisms that he, himself, struggled to handle.

_Someone call the doctor, hold me and tell me; love is a sickness, an addiction, overdose._

No.

He _couldn't._

He brought Seokjin here to heal him, not break him further.

(But he needed help too.)

"Hyung, if you stare so intensely, you're going to burn a hole in my perfect face," Seokjin mumbled with both of his eyes closed. The other snorted and shoved the younger over so that he could climb in too.

Seokjin tugged at the dancer's clothes.

"Uuuummmmmm..." he stared wide-eyed down at the lump under the blankets. "I thought that we agreed that being friends with benefits sounded like a recipe for disaster?"

Seokjin peeked an eye open at his proclamation. He opened his arms wide.

"Don't be horny, hyung. I just want to be the big spoon tonight."

Jungkook was 100% onboard with that. He shimmied his way down and wrapped his arms around the maknae's ever tiny waist and muffled the sound of his breathes against the boy's skin.

Their hands remained clasped, and with his free one, Seokjin rubbed Jungkook's back in soothing circles.

"I'll buy you a cupcake," Seokjin hummed in his ear. Jungkook was too tired to pretend to listen to a food pun.

"What?" he mumbled.

"Remember?" Seokjin huffed into his hair. "In EXO, whoever pays is the hyung. Let me be the hyung tonight instead, okay?"

And yeah. He was okay with that. Jungkook had five wonderful hyungs nearby but he didn't want to worry them further, not when they had their own frustrations.

Seokjin never called him a golden maknae, never insinuated that Jungkook might be flawless, might be anything more than a determined child. Seokjin, who wrapped his crooked fingers around Jungkook's before a performance. Seokjin, who pressed a container of kimbap in his hands in thanks as Rap Monster gifted BTS' new album to Suho.

His Seokjin, who never asked him to be strong or handsome or worthy. His Seokjin, who knew what it felt like to be trapped in one's own mind, who escaped through the only path he could see, bright white pills illuminating his way like a runway.

"Did they help?" Seokjin murmured.

Ah. So he noticed.

Jungkook clutched the waist tighter.

"I didn't take any."

Seokjin shrugged.

"Does it matter?" It didn't. Jungkook had thought about it, and that was damning enough.

Was that how the blond started? Not all slopes were slippery but some were slick (with blood, with sweat, and so many tears). If either of them opened the bottle, the cotton wouldn't be necessary anymore; they would have already made their decision.

"What did it feel like?" Jungkook asked him instead.

It was Seokjin's turn to tighten his grip.

"Like I was blinded," he said melodically, dream-like, wistful.

"Everything was covered with a film; like I couldn't see what was happening to my hyungs, like I didn't have to see what was happening to me."

(Oracle.)

 _Like the quiet of a dark ocean,_ Jungkook mused.

Jungkook breathed in the younger's scent. Only faintly did it smell like his strawberry shampoo and more strongly it smelled of the laundry detergent he used to wash Jungkook's sheets that morning. He reached up and massaged the younger's neck.

It took a breath, maybe two, but eventually his heartbeat slowed like the tide before it pulled back, slowly ebbing away. Jungkook clutched his waist like a lifeline but it was a weak one, a fragile lifeline being eroded by SM's beauty standards.

'Stay with me,' he said at the hospital. What he meant then was 'please don't leave me.'

_Someone call the doctor, hold me and tell me. Love is a drug, an addiction, overdose._

The maknae felt like those pills, as if the capsules dissolved in his blood and never left. Osmosis. Jungkook felt his body slow down, felt his mind numb as he buried himself into Seokjin's nightshirt. The warm presence of the younger's arms wrapped around him lulled him to sleep, his mind at peace as he listened to the steady beats of Jin's heart.

If Seokjin could be his little white pills, then maybe he could survive this industry.

"When you have your bad days-" the other whispered.

"-bad days-" the younger trailed off again. Jungkook bit back a laugh as Seokjin struggled to stay awake. Soft snoring reached his ears.

"I'll never have bad days as long as you're here with me," Jungkook whispered.

(But Seokjin couldn't stay. Eventually he'd go back to EXO, to SM, to a place far away from Jungkook's side.)

His fingers trapped Seokjin's hands in his own.

* * *

Namjoon peered up at the moon while the rest of his members spilled from the van in a tangle of worn-out limbs and broken consciousness. For once, they were less coordinated than him. The rapper gazed at the crescent, a sliver of a crooked smile and waved silently to Seokjin who spilled from the roof's railing like a stray moonbeam himself.

 _Icarus,_ the wind whispered. Its words sounded like lyrics, like a song he could write if only he watched the boy lean and fall like in the myth.

His breath caught in his throat. As the other members noticed the idol, Seokjin leaned even further over the edge. His feet lifted from the concrete, as nimble as a bird and as bright as a moonbeam as it crashed into the ground, illuminating the group in his smile.

Jungkook sleepily waved back, and Seokjin sent him a flying kiss, one hand drumming against the cold rail as the other extended far past what Namjoon considered safe. Almost half of the boy's body was in the air, no longer grounded in reality but in the sky.

_Without the sun's warmth, would Icarus have plummeted into the sea? Or would he still have died, the darkness swallowing his wings just the same?_

Had the sun's smile been cold and distant instead...

He heard Taehyung's brief whoop as the vocalist caught sight of the boy. Seokjin smiled benevolently but didn't reply, mindful of the late hour. Instead, he waved and wavered on the rail. Immediately, Namjoon calculated the height of the fall and wondered if there was anything he could do to disrupt gravity when Icarus' wings fell apart.

(Icarus wasn't meant to have wings. He wasn't meant to fly. He was just a boy.)

His physics lessons were in vain. It didn't take a genius to realize that Namjoon wouldn't make it, and even if he did, he'd been crushed under the weight of a falling star, of a stray moonbeam. The best action, the one that left the most number of people alive, was if he stood still and watched as Icarus fell.

Jimin shoved his fellow 94-liner into the building and signaled that Seokjin should go inside as well. The tips of his shoes touched the floor first, followed by the rest of his weight. Namjoon breathed a sigh of relief.

His teachers lectured that the story of Icarus was a warning against foolishness and greed. His pen recorded their words diligently but internally, he disagreed.

Icarus was a story of youth, of happiness. The boy flew with childish delight towards the heavens with the sun warming his face; he skimmed the oceans to feel the cool water splash against his toes. Father and son were escaping imprisonment; why did the gods punish the boy for finding happiness in freedom?

Namjoon hated that the platform that gave him his own wings was killing the younger boy.

(Namjoon crafted his own wings as Rap Monster. He balanced between the lines too, fingers trailing across the waves of obscurity and hands shielding himself from the bright lights of the stage. If they ever 'made it,' ever became famous, he could only hope that the camera lights weren't hot enough to melt their wings.)

(If they didn't 'make it,' he could only hope that the ocean was cold enough to numb their pain.)

'Awake' was produced through a gurgle of water. Seokjin's tears were drops in the sea, his voice choked as he sang in the recording booth. Back then Namjoon had watched with concerned eyes but Seokjin had bravely soldiered on, had finished what he came to do and had done it with heart. The rapper mistakenly thought that the song's release would be the balm the boy needed; he'd forgotten that just because his life resolved around music didn't mean that everyone else's did.

All versions of the myth ended with Icarus drowning in the ocean. Namjoon always wondered what the mermaids saw, wondered if they saw Icarus smiling or crying as he drifting into the darkness.

He wondered if flying had been worth the risks or would the boy have been happier in his tall tower, closer to the sun as any other human and high above the water.

(But trapped. Imprisoned.)

Bangtan climbed their own tower, their feet heavy as they trudged towards the elevator. It didn't feel like home; it felt like a prison.

He patted each member on the back as they filed into their dorm. Their belongings were crammed into every crevice; their lives intertwined.

Taehyung entered first and immediately snuggled his sweaty face against Seokjin's neck. The maknae squawked in outrage amidst laughter. He shoved the other towards the shower but Taehyung was a persistent hugger; the sight made Namjoon smile.

If Daedalus' hadn't _felt_ trapped, would he still have built those wings?

Twine, wax, and feathers: the ingredients necessary for Icarus' wings.

The door clicked as he locked it, and the chain rattled as he fastened it.

How strong Daedalus must have been to stare at that rope and design a pair of wings to free himself and his son. How strong he must have been to not fasten that rope with a sliding loop and hang himself out of the window, his body dangling at the perfect height. He'd swing above the water without fear of drowning, would swing well beneath the sun, without fear of its warmth melting his skin from his bones.

How strong he must have been.

' _How determined,_ ' Namjoon mused.

Song, dance, and rap; the ingredients necessary for a flock of Icaruses.

He wondered. Was he building Bangtan's wings or was he tying their nooses?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this! I'm trying to slowly transition happiness, so this chapter was... 60 angst / 40 happy? And that happy portion will only get bigger! 
> 
> Quick notes: That last scene used to be the first scene of the chapter, so uh, those 8,000 words before it were basically an afterthought. fml. Secondly, tell me your thoughts! Everything from chapter 5 onward is just me trying to string together snippets that I wrote for this fic during various stages, including the time this was slated to be a Suspense/Mystery. Lol. Thirdly! That last scene with the moral of Icarus' myth was taken from BTS' episode on Knowing Bros. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and please leave a comment or kudos if you have time~ Thanks!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FAKE LOVE, ANYONE? :) 
> 
> Anyways, I'm so proud of our boys and ARMY. Seriously. What we did was amazing. :D 94% of the Top Social Artist votes. MWAHAHAHAHA I'm seriously so proud. I made my friends hike faster down a mountain just so that I could make it home before the BBMAS began. 
> 
> Alternate Title: Butterflies, Dandelions, and Ocean Waves

Sometimes, he dreamt of Gangwando's waves. His skin remembered the cold wind as they stood on the sand, the spray slapping their faces. He watched with glee as Joonmyun and Yifan ran into the sea, screaming and shivering. They cursed, loudly and gleefully. In the end, the company edited that out, which was a shame because those obscenities were most honest any of them had been on EXO Showtime.

Water flew high in the air; someone tripped and fell into the damp sand. Seokjin hid behind another maknae, giggling as the hyungs pushed each other closer and closer towards the water. Someone screeched about ruining their new shoes. Someone prayed to not get sick.

A camera swiveled towards them, and instantly Sehun pulled Tao into a headlock. Seokjin watched them fondly, dodging Jongin's own attempts to subdue him. He escaped the scuffle and positioned himself next to the calmer hyungs.

"Be healthy, hyung," he murmured as he wrapped his scarf around another member. They were young and strong, and they were convinced that winter sea could never drown them. Young and stupid, someone had said.

Young and wild and predominately happy.

He woke from the memory with a smile. He always did. There was something magnetic about his hyungs' smiles, something soothing about their laughter. EXO called him an angel but he always thought that it was them were the real deities. He was only their apprentice.

Outside, gray clouds gathered atop buildings, and absently, Seokjin thought of the rainstorm last night. That was probably what sparked his dream. Rainy days summoned wistful dreams, after all. (Wet dreams, but like, not _wet_ dreams. Haha.) From the window, they watched as the floods swept the trash down the streets, as lights flickered off in buildings all around them. Hoseok hummed the tune of the droplets sliding down the rails.

 

_✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* Stay healthy, everyone! Don't get sick. *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧_

 

Later, someone started Big Hero 6 on the TV. Someone complained about wanting popcorn; someone sniffled at the movie's ending, and Seokjin watched them with a smile as the rain poured onto Seoul. In his dreams, he slept on Baymax's fluffy belly.

In the morning, he slid out of bed, yawning as he tugged his hair free of knots. His mother warned him that he would go bald faster if he kept his bad habit, but really, it was _her_ fault for his unruly hair. It was the trade-off for giving him the rest of her superior genes. Some people aspired to be like their fathers but he'd always been in awe of his mother. Her beauty was a weapon that she used but it was never her only weapon and it was never her ace.

"It's _textured,_ " she teased. He pouted. He admitted that her angled bob accentuated each wave stylishly, but the same hair on him made birds want to nest on his head in a very _un_ -princely manner.

Whatever. Today could be 'hat day.'

The other boys left earlier; Seokjin heard them shuffling around before he buried himself further under the covers. One of the hyungs flicked him on the forehead before the door clicked shut, and he remembered growling at the offending hand. Going by Hoseok's whispered curse, it had been an ungodly hour.

He was alone in the dorm. Outside, cars pulled away from the curb. His phone's notification light flickered.

 _Was it better to wear a knitted sweater or an over-sized cardigan?_ he mused. The warm fabrics caressed his fingers as he plunged his hand into his luggage. He pulled one out blindly, a light pink v-neck sweater, and put it on.

Ultimately, nothing he chose mattered; in this weather, nothing would keep him warm for long. In light of this realization, he opted to wear Jungkook's black cap with two silver rings on the lip instead of one of Chanyeol's preferred Eskimo hats. Those fuzzy atrocities would only draw unwanted attention.

Satisfied with his outfit, he continued his preparations. He dumped the contents of his backpack onto the floor. The crumpled receipts went straight into the wastebasket, the candy went back into a side pocket, and he placed the white bottle gently on the side table. He turned it around so that the dent faced away from him.

After a moment of contemplation, he slid it back inside his bag; he couldn't leave it here. He couldn't leave anything here.

_Buzz. Buzz._

The reminder jolted him into action. He swept through the rooms, stooping under a bed to retrieve his hidden poster and rummaged through a convenience store bag for his hand warmers. After stuffing everything into his bag, he hooked a strap over his shoulder and made his way to the bus stop.

 

_✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* IS EVERYONE READY? *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧_

 

**[guest]** : _it'll be amazing, oppa!_  
**[guest]** : _this will be so much more excitign than last time!_

 

Seokjin gave a tiny grin as he headed out the door.

 

 **[kimchikook]** : what are you ready for??

 

On the bus, the singer sat on the edge of his seat to relieve any pressure on his backpack. Around him, fans giggled as they stared at their idols, squealing as Twitter updated underneath their noses. Seokjin's own phone buzzed with EatJin comments.

The bus arrived at the venue. Seokjin fought the urge to head backstage with his friends and instead reminded himself to enter through the security lines like everyone else.

Once inside, he shuffled awkwardly. He stood out like a tree in a meadow here. Not only was he tall, he was also one of the few males in the crowd. He hunched his shoulders in an attempt to escape scrutinization as he shuffled towards the edge of the venue, where he'd be less conspicuous.

A body bumped into him and he winced as he felt his poster crumple inside his bag. In order to protect it, he took it out. 'I <3 JK' was scrawled in pink glitter, surrounded by pink hearts. It was eye-catching and garish, but the vocalist held it up proudly.

He blushed when a fan pointed to it but decided to wave the sign happily at her. She gave him a peace sign as he took a selca with her waving in the background and his eyes peeking from above the cardboard.

 

_✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* it's so cold! but my love of bts will keep me warm! *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧_

 

**[guest]** : _kekeke are you sure its not your love of /jk/ that will keep you warm?_  
**[guest]** : _pretty sure just his thighs could keep you warm_  
**[guest]** : _im here too, eatjin!_  
**[guest]** : _aw! I wish that I was there!_  
**[guest]** : _try getting to the center! It's a lot more fun there_

 

He continued towards the edge of the crowd. Over there, his height wouldn't hinder the fans' sight of the stage as much. He leaned against the rail, pink poster waving in the air, and the girl next to him took one long look at her phone and then another at his declaration of love.

"Eatjin-sshi?" she asked.

He gave her a small bow and pressed a finger to his masked lips.

"Oh!" she exclaimed with a smile. "I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your blog!"

This prompted another bow that she returned. Seokjin blinked at her shivering form before reaching a hand into his backpack and pulling out a couple of hot packs.

"For me?" she asked hesitantly. At his nod, she grabbed it gratefully.

"Thank you so much, Eatjin-sshi! I really underestimated the weather today."

His eyes crinkled.

As he continued towards the edge of the crowd, he spotted more shivering fans and began handing out his plethora of hot packs. Because of his poster, a couple of EXO or Vixx fans asked him hesitantly if they were allowed to have some hot packs too and he hastily gave some to them. It was hard to mime that _anyone_ was welcome to his hot packs; he was a multifandom fan.

By the time the music show began, **#hotpackfairy** was trending on Twitter. The attached photos were of the poster instead of his face; the fans were kind enough to respect his desire for anonymity.

 

_✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* stay warm, everyone! remember that your idols will always prefer you in good health! *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧_

 

**[guest]** : _aw! thank you eatjin!_  
**[guest}** : _is this the hotpack fairy?_  
**[guest]** : _ty #hotpackfairy!_  
**[guest]** : _wait. why is everyone saying eatjin? isn't this eatkimchi?_  
**[eatjin]** : a new guest!!?? welcome to the world of eatkimchi! we hope that you have fun and eat kimchi >_<

 

As BTS performed, Seokjin aggressively flashed his poster, prompting a wink from the entire maknae line.

The gif machines on the internet flooded his inbox with those winks an hour after the show aired. The maknae only saved Jungkook's gifs but secretly he admitted that Jimin's wink was better.

Still, Kookie deserved some participation points.

He sent a wink and a flying kiss to Jungkook's kakao. Beside him, fans sagged as their adrenaline left them. There would be ample time to ramp it back up in time for the next stage.

"Do you go to uni, eatjin?" a fan asked. Seokjin shook his head and sipped on the hot chocolate she offered him. The crowd watched as the crew set up Vixx's stage. Starlight shuffled closer to the front while the rest of them respectfully moved backward.

He'd thought about it. His parents encouraged him to apply right after high school; everyone in his family had gone, after all. They didn't care about the subject, "Just go," they said. "Graduate."

"I will," he promised but at the time he'd been preoccupied with MAMA and EXO was still trying to 'make it'. He didn't have time for freshman orientation; he was busy with vocal lessons and dance practice.

"Are you interested?" Jongdae-hyung asked after he passed his own entrance exam. Brochures were piled on his desk; free folders with various university logos held sheet music and dance formations.

Seokjin hadn't replied then, only straightened the sheaves on the desk and continued setting out snacks for the studious trio: Jongdae, Joonmyun, and Minseok.

In his naivete, he thought that EXO would sustain him; they were his family, after all. But in the time he'd stayed with Bangtan, one thing was certain; they wouldn't last.

Not _couldn't_ because if they wanted to, they could just pull a Super Junior. They could gnash their teeth every time they splintered but ultimately they'd make music together. In a sense, they would never 'disband.'

 _Wouldn't_ because, if nothing else, these last few years taught him that SM wasn't made for the one thing EXO craved, happiness.

So few of them viewed music as part of their happiness; it was a stepping stone. Some people had jobs as a convenience store clerk or a barista, some worked as delivery men or street sweepers. EXO? They worked as idols. Sure, the job wasn't nine-to-five, but it was a paycheck. They had coworkers and bosses, and a paycheck that never seemed adequate enough.

It was a common sentiment but not a universal one.

This industry wasn't _work_ for Bangtan. They loved being BTS, loved creating the music just as much as they loved creating the stages. It didn't matter that none of them were particularly adept at maneuvering the variety sect; they were in it for the music, not the money.

It was obvious how much Bangtan loved music, how much their existence revolved around it. Namjoon and Yoongi were forever in their genius labs; Hoseok and Jimin were forever in the dance studio, and Taehyung and Jungkook were forever in vocal lessons. Whereas EXO's dorm was always noisy because the members were noisy, Bangtan's was noisy because of the numerous speakers around the dorm blasting the latest experiment.

Seokjin understood. Kind of. EXO's vocal line was forever practicing too, but it was different. Sure, Jongdae's life revolved around singing, but Kyungsoo's didn't. Baekhyun's didn't. Joonmyun's didn't. Seventy-five percent of the vocal line sang because it was their job and they were amazing at it, but they practiced because they wanted to give a good performance to their fans. Their lives didn't revolve around it.

It was _different._ It was different because SM refused to allow EXO to write their own lyrics or beats, different because they forced Chanyeol to create his own SoundCloud instead of giving him a B-side track. They signed away their creative freedom when they entered the company (they'd signed away their youth to devils in pressed suits).

EXO wasn't made for music; they were made for profit. Seokjin came to terms with that fact a long time ago. So yeah, each member could sing and dance and even rap if push came to shove but they didn't necessarily do it because they loved it; this was their career, and they were professionals.

They weren't an anomaly in the industry; BTS was. Bangtan spent their days writing music while EXO spent their free time finishing university essays. Minseok and Jongdae and Joonmyun and maybe Seokjin, one day, preferred going to classes. EXO... SM... was just a temporary job to them.

They understood that one day their popularity would wane. One day, the company would throw them away like yesterday's leftovers and they would only have their bank accounts to prove that they had once been the company's darlings.

Seokjin breathed it all in. Bangtan and BigHit fit well together. He couldn't imagine rappers as willful as Namjoon or Yoongi thriving at SM, couldn't imagine how the other members would cope with the full variety schedule that EXO attended. SM would stomp out their brightness, would shove Jungkook into the spotlight until he cracked or they would shove him to the back when the boy's shyness crippled him.

Whereas EXO was forever being carted around to the next show, always pushed for more stories to tell and more gags to show, Bangtan stayed together. They wrote their lyrics together and had a consensus on the direction of their sound. There was no need for always packed luggage or impromptu dressing rooms in studio alcoves or a third layer of concealer to hide dark bags under tired eyes.

Maybe if Seokjin was a part of Bangtan... if he could curl on the couch between Yoongi and Jimin with a notebook in his hands and his own lyrics...

But he wasn't. Seokjin was a part of EXO, and the music he championed was never going to be his own. The only way he'd be allowed to write his own words would be in a university essay.

(-and wasn't that as good a reason as any to _go?_ Go to college, his parents had said.

Go.)

Vaguely, he wondered which he'd end up regretting more; staying or going?

(He wondered if anyone would notice.)

There was a sea of people in front of him, all clamoring to see their idols up close. On each beat, they rose on their toes, and with each clap, they fell back. The crowd was alive, thunderous like a stormy ocean, strong as they pushed and pulled. He drifted, once again on the outskirts. He let their excitement pull him up and let their exhaustion drag him back down. He learned their cheers, as numerous as they were, and waved the glowsticks they handed him.

"Do you think EXO's Jin is okay? He hasn't been on any shows..." he heard a girl yell once the performance was over. He averted his eyes.

The crowd swelled again as the next group greeted them. In front of him, a fan strained her neck so hard that he legitimately feared that she was about to burst a vein.

"They say that he attempted suicide," the whisper traveled past his ear. He furiously waved the Beast lightstick in his hand. A multi-fan lent him one of her extras.

He thought of the photograph circulating online; it was impossible to miss. For some ungodly reason, it was still trending.

He hadn't realized how fragile he looked. There was a rag doll wearing his face on those sheets, worn from overuse and pale from too bright lights. Sure, he knew that he'd been eating less the months before but he hadn't noticed a physical difference. Seeing himself through someone else's lens, however...

Maybe he was starting to understand why Jungkook took daily pictures of him, why he kept a photo log in his phone. The boy was adamant and couldn't be dissuaded. When they were busy, it was a simply selca but there were always the more elaborate ones that required Taehyung's fashion sense dressing him and Namjoon-hyung's advice on posing. Sometimes it was a devious scheme of an 'ab shot,' but maybe the other was just checking that Seokjin's stomach hadn't caved in, that under the fluffy sweaters, there was substance.

Maybe there was a reason why he made Jimin-hyung take those same photos.

"No way! The company says that he's sick. He probably overexerted himself?"

He wanted to laugh. He really did stretch himself too thin this time. He stretched himself so thin that he tore and no amount of stitching was going to fix him the same as before. But... maybe he didn't want to be the same as before?

"-maybe he's going to leave too?"

"He should! He's sooo untalented!"

Seokjin stared at the group. He bowed as he returned the borrowed lightstick, and headed straight towards the group. He didn't have much time before the next set.

"Excuse me?" The boy closest to him turned around, and his friends followed. Seokjin tugged his mask down and bowed.

"I'm sorry for disappointing you. Please bear with me as I improve myself. Talent, no matter how little, can always be improved upon."

He relished their slack-jawed faces as he straightened his spine and sauntered away. 'Fake it 'til you make it,' BamBam kept telling him.

Quickly, he turned around and sent them a flying kiss, accompanied by EXO's hand gesture. It was muted, barely a tap with his fingers but it felt good to do his signature move again.

Seokjin kept up his act until he had fled the venue and managed to find a bus seat where he promptly lost the slack in his spine. He sighed deeply and his bravado went with it. As soon as he caught his breath, he immediately texted Sehun-hyung the good news. He had _swag_ now.

("No, baby," Joonmyun shook his head, "You really don't."

 _Not your baby,_ he wanted to sass. The words caught in his throat.

If he wasn't Jungkook's baby anymore, at least he would be Joonmyun's.)

* * *

 

 **official.exo** has a new post.

_We'd like to thank **#hotpackfairy** for his kindness to fans of all fandoms!_

 

 **bts.tweet** has a new post.

_Is **#hotpackfairy** a real angel? Because we're pretty sure he is...  <3_

 

* * *

 

_ᕦ(òóˇ)ᕤ *＊✿❀ some people stan kings and legends but i stan a whole angel ❀✿＊* ᕦ(òóˇ)ᕤ_

 

**[guest]** : _wont suho be jealous that u'r stanning ur bf? lol_  
**[guest]** : _lol, stanning ppl you know irl_  
**[guest]** : _does that mean tat you're the devil to his angel?_  
**[kimchikook]** : u aint wrong. >:)  
**[guest]** : _lol_  
**[eatjin]** : hes def a sinner ;)  
**[guest]** : _OMG._  
**[guest]** : _the WINKY FACE_  
**[guest]** : _;)_  
**[guest]** : _;)_  
**[eatjin]** : ;)  
**[kimchikook]** : ;)

 

Seokjin frowned as he set his phone down. In front of him was a stack of college prep books, dropped off by a stern Yoongi who ordered him to study. The man threatened to confiscate the maknae's phone, and only by the grace of his doe eyes did the boy managed to keep it.

"It won't distract me!" he promised.

" _Swoooo..._ Fine. But if you're not studying when I come to check on you..." he let the threat hang in the air. Seokjin nodded; no one defied the eldest in Bangtan.

"Yes, hyung."

The rapper's gaze pierced him before he patted the boy on the head.

"You're a good dongsaeng."

Seokjin beamed. He was determined to study hard and surprise his hyungs.

 

 **[angelhyung]** : jinnie! do you want to meet up for ice cream?

 

He grinned. Perfect. He could bully Jaehwan-hyung into giving him a tour of his university _and_ con free ice cream out of the man. Ah, it was good being a maknae.

* * *

 

 **therealKENdoll** has posted.

_The ice cream was sweet but Jinnie is always sweeter. ;)_

 

Attached was a photo of the duo at Baskin Robbins.

 

 **official.exo** : JIN: Aw, Jaehwannie-hyung~ I think that you're sweet too!

 

_Buzz._

_Buzz._

Jungkook looked up from his phone.

"Who is this... Jaehwannie?" he asked slowly.

"Calm down, tiger," Taehyung snorted. "Your thirst is showing." Everyone was piled onto the couch. A 'Knowing Brothers' episode played on the television.

"That's Ken-hyung. From Vixx? Our families are really close!" Seokjin giggled. "Besides, he's _way_ too pretty for me," he teased.

Jungkook pouted.

"I'm pretty!" he argued.

Hoseok pinched his puffed out cheeks.

"Uwu, our cute maknae is the prettiest!" he cooed. Jungkook puffed out his cheeks more.

"Yah. This is discrimination. Why don't you shove Hobi-hyung like you shove the rest of us, you _muscle pig?_ " Taehyung whined. The dancer swatted at his thigh.

"That's because he's my _favorite_ hyung," Jungkook replied faux-haughtily. Hoseok squealed.

"Guess that means you don't like skewers anymore."

Jungkook's eyes widened and he scrambled off the couch and into Yoongi's lap.

"Hyung! My _favorite_ hyung!"

Jimin snorted.

"You're so cheap, Jeon Jungkook," he said with a shake of his head. He turned towards the maknae. "Who's your favorite, Seokjin-ah?"

"Hm...I'm pretty sure that Jaehwan-hyung is my favorite right now. He _did_ buy me ice cream," the vocalist smiled.

Hoseok waggled his eyebrows.

"And he _does_ have very enviable lips-"

Jungkook scrunched up his nose.

" _And_ the voice of an angel-"

The bunny bit his lips, his mouth forming a moue of disappointment. Taehyung nudged Namjoon's shoulder as Bangtan continued to gibe.

"He has the sweetest temperament-"

...maybe he _had_ been a little bratty, recently...

"His face is gorgeous- "

" _But,_ " Seokjin interrupted the Jaehwan appreciation cult, "Our Jungkook is all of those things too."

Bangtan gave their fervent approval and swarmed the maknae duo's spot on the couch. There were arms reaching out for hugs everywhere. Seokjin didn't need to see the other vocalist's face to know that he was blushing; the way his heart beat faster and his arms tensed told him that. Joon-hyung used his long arms to encircle everyone while Yoongi wrapped his arms around the youngest and breathed into Jungkook's neck.

"Yeah. Our Jungkookie is all of those things and more."

Jungkook pulled them all back onto the couch with his strength and sniffled.

"Hyungs are all that and more too," he whispered. "You're the best brothers I could ever hope for."

* * *

Someone broke the sky. When he stared at the cloud cover, his first thought was that Heaven had been smashed (they were all going to hell, now. They had no choice). His second thought, as he sipped his iced americano, was that as long as no one died, as long as they remained young forever, they would be safe.

 _Together,_ they would be safe.

Seokjin strummed his guitar, the placid notes easing through the air. Beside him, Yoongi played the corresponding chords on the piano, its perfect pitch echoing in the space between Seokjin's wrong notes.

"Again," the rapper instructed. Seokjin complied, his fingers repositioning themselves.

Nope. Too sharp.

Without prompting, he tried again.

Yoongi hummed in acknowledgment before he played the next one.

"From the top, now."

The cycle continued.

Outside, the sky remained broken. Outside, rain trickled down gutters like tears falling from an actress' eyes.

Inside, music flooded the room, the piano leading the charge, followed by a hesitant, acoustic guitar. Inside, wrapped in the warmth of a short-term dream, Seokjin felt 'okay.'

Heaven was broken, but Seokjin was sure that he could find happiness on Earth.

("I feel like I'm dreaming hyung. That the paramedic hadn't revived me, that I'm still in that hospital bed... "

Yoongi pinched him.

"Ow! What the hell, hyung?"

The elder rubbed Seokjin's reddened skin.

"You're awake, Seokjin-ah."

The boy blinked.

"Yeah." Awake.

If this was a dream, he wanted to dream a little more. )

  
_머물고 싶어_  
_I want to remain_  
_더 꿈꾸고 싶어_  
_I want to dream more_

* * *

 

 **official.exo** has a new post.

  
곁에 머물러줄래?  
(Will you stay by my side?)

 

To prevent confusion about who posted, Seokjin attached a selca of himself cuddling one of Namjoon-hyung's Ryan plushies. The replies were instantaneous. He purposely ignored the negative ones and took screenshots of the kind ones so that they could cheer him up on bad days.

 _'of course, oppa!'_  
_'hwaiting!'_  
_'come back soon!'_  
_'always!!!'_  
_'we are one, aren't we?'_

'Yeah,' he thought with a smile. He turned off his phone and beamed at Namjoon.

"Alright. So, Namjin part II?"

Beside him, Jungkook rolled his eyes and returned his attention to his notebook. Namjoon laughed at the boy's pout, prompting him to scoot closer to Bangtan's eldest.

"I'm going to make 'Yoonkook' trend," Jungkook threatened. Yoongi idly flipped another page in his own notebook while Namjin photographed their dimpled smiles.

" _Hyung!_ " Jungkook hissed in vain as Yoongi pulled away from his forceful hug.

" _We're losing!_ " he whined. Yoongi pushed his arm away to no avail.

"I'm a loser. Sue me," he shrugged. The vocalist's pout became more profound.

_Buzz._

"Hyung!! They're fancafe official!" Jungkook stamped his foot and tugged on his hyung's sweater. Yoongi shot a dirty look towards the other pair.

"You're antagonizing the baby," he stated. The duo sent him kissy faces and enough aegyo to curl his fingers.

"Dear God, I pray for the strength to haul your dead bodies outside after I strangle you all."

Namjoon hummed.

"Sounds good. You should add that to your rap, hyung."

Yoongi flicked a pen at him.

"You're first, Joon-ah."

"You have the reach his neck first," Jungkook teased. Yoongi glared at him.

"Kook-ah is next." His eyebrows challenged Seokjin to speak up. The maknae shrugged.

"You won't have much to do, hyung. Joonie-hyung choked himself with his turtleneck this morning," he replied with a shy smile.

The rapper in question squawked.

"-and that is why he's my favorite. Come here, Sin," Yoongi cooed. Seokjin raised a brow.

"I think you mean Yoonjin, hyung."

"...these bitches ain't loyal. You're all dead when I find the motivation."

* * *

He remembered how numb his toes were, recalled the graying clouds and the harsh wind. He remembered the crew and the cliffs, remembered how sore his face was after faking a smile for hours. His face had never worked so hard as then.

He remembered how they huddled together for warmth, eyes trained on the stupid branch stuck in the sand. He remembered thinking that this was only the beginning, that they were finally going to be famous, that they were going to _make_ it.

He realized how naive he was because during the last episode, he'd felt the hesitance in Yifan's eyes as they hugged, felt the way his hugs lingered longer and stronger.

He'd been young and foolish and stupid then; he knew better, now.

(That was years ago but even now, the most vivid memory was of the warmth in his fingers as he snuck each one of his hyung a hot pack.)

So now, sitting in his psychiatrist's office with the A/C on full blast, he met her gaze full on. In his hoodie pocket were several hand warmers and their chemical reaction kept his fingers warm. A few loose threads peeked from the seams and he tore them away.

One day, he swore, he'd bring up the issue of the A/C to her. Keeping her psychiatry office this cold was certainly a waste of electricity. Seokjin snuggled deeper into one of Jimin-hyung's hoodies, the thick fleece warming him with his own body heat.

"What would you like to talk about today?" He wound another thread around his finger.

She greeted him with the same, polite smile, her countenance patient as he fidgeted in his seat. Outside, the cloudy sky cast a gloom through the windows, tricking the boy's brain into thinking that it was colder than it really was. His fingers twitched inside the pocket, rubbing against each other for warmth.

His fingers slid around the bottle, the pills shifting quietly against the cotton. He purposely shook it but his heavy breathing easily covered any possible sound.

She continued to wait patiently; he appreciated that.

"Here." Swiftly, he placed the bottle on her desk. A single hot pack came with it and he quickly tucked it back into his pocket.

"These are the last of them," he rushed out. "I kept them... just in case, but-"

She didn't move. Her eyes flashed with surprise before her professionalism took over.

"You're handing them over to me?" she asked for confirmation.

Seokjin thought of Jungkook's trembling hands, the way Yixing looked away guiltily when their eyes met during his and EXO's video chats.

He thought of how he held onto those pills because they made him feel less sad than he'd been for a while, thought about how easy it was to pop one in his mouth whenever he felt angry or bitter or sad. He'd come to understand, with Yoongi's input, that even if he needed pills, these weren't the ones that could help him.

Her eyes were still trained on him. His crooked fingers nudged the bottle away from him, the plastic wobbling as it scooted across her desk. Her manicured fingers plucked it before it toppled over.

He heard, rather than saw, her unlock a drawer on the other side of her desk. The bottle made a small sound as it fell in, the plastic thunking hollowly. Then, the drawer closed, and she locked it again.

"I'll hold onto them for now."

He startled.

Her hands reached across her desk, and he placed his hands in hers.

"When you're ready, we'll dispose of them together, okay?"

He nodded slowly, thinking back to when he stood in the bathroom, determined to throw them away once and for all. It had seemed so simple when he had done that for Yixing but now that they were _his_ pills, it seemed so hard. He was afraid that if he thought that the pills were 'gone,' he'd just buy more. This way, this way he knew that they existed somewhere, that he could always find them again (but not really?).

"I tried, already," he confessed. She gave him a small smile.

"Do you want to try again?"

Last night, he dreamt of the wind and the waves and wondered what was colder, the pills or the waves.

"Yes."

He wasn't strong enough.

Not yet.

"We'll be right here when you're ready, then."

Her office was as cold as Gangwando's wind but he didn't have to smile for her like he had to then. There were no cameras here, no crew and no managers.

"Okay," he said but the words came out garbled as he cried.

"Okay, okay."

She would keep the pills safe from him; he could finally let his guard down. He could finally relax.

(His skin remembered the winter chill of the air, and he shivered.)

* * *

 

 **official.exo** has a new post.

  
내게 약속해줄래...?  
(Will you promise me...?)

 

This time, the attached photo was of a rainbow alpaca. 

 

 **[anon]** : _what does that mean???_  
**[anon]** : _ikr?! do you think hes teasing us?????_  
**[anon]** : _is something big comiing?_  
**[anon]** _well promise u nything!_  
**[anon]** : _what do you ned, jinnie??!_

 

* * *

Sometimes, with the buzz of Bangtan's game night in the background, Seokjin dreamt of the paramedic. The bright lights of the ambulance blinded him, the man's shadowy form gave him his only reprieve. His dry hands tapped the boy's shoulders, reminding him not to sink further into the pills' haze or the welcoming embrace of silence.

Most nights, he stopped himself. He felt those unfamiliar hands on him and jolted away, awakening in a dorm that was only a smidgen more familiar than the inside of an ambulance. He thrashed, eyes pried wide open with his will as the blurred image of the strange man faded.

_-ay with me-_

_No._ Seokjin hadn't wanted to stay, not with _him._ What he wanted was to die with the bright faces of his hyungs as his last thought, not the frantic voice of this _stranger._

Each night, Seokjin wrestled his consciousness free from the paramedic. He woke himself before the sequence played itself out, woke in a white box instead of at the hospital. With his charged phone, he re-watched EXO's V-live in the dark, summoning an instinctive smile.

Beside him, a Bangtan member stirred. Usually, it was Taehyung, who clutched at their shared blanket like a tiny kitten. Seokjin pet his hair and lulled the elder back into slumber. Sometimes it was Jungkook.

Bangtan's maknae stared at him, eyes rimmed red from a gaming marathon.

"Go back to sleep, hyung."

The boy continued watching him. They sat in silence as the stars moved in the sky.

"You need to go to sleep," Seokjin pleaded. Jungkook motioned him to lay down.

"So do you," was the reply. The maknae drooped his head. In his mind's eye, it was too bright; the ambulance lights were bleaching his sight. It was too bright to sleep. Too bright. Too bright. Too noisy.

He tried to stumble away but Jungkook snatched the back of his collar.

"Where are you going?"

Too noisy. Too loud. Too much. Too much.

"I'm just getting some water." Jungkook didn't relinquish his grip. A sealed water bottle pressed against his hands. Seokjin held the warm bottle to his forehead, hoping for some relief but none came.

"Tell me what's wrong."

Nothing's wrong.

" _Nothing's wrong,_ " he ground out. Jungkook pulled him down and put his hands on both sides of Seokjin's head.

"Tell me what you're thinking, silly," the boy whispered. "Tell me what's going on in that silly mind of yours."

"I just want to sleep."

"What's stopping you?"

"Nothing- I just need-"

_-hey kid-_

_-ay with-_

"Hey, hey. I'm here, Jinnie. I'm here."

His fingers itched. The dreamt of a paramedic and an ambulance and the hazy reality of the pills. For ten minutes, he lived in a world where the world was too bright and too quiet, where the only thought in his mind was if his body was getting colder or had someone left the window open?

Those pills were with his psychiatrist but he could get them back, couldn't he? He could-

Jungkook cradled him in his arms.

"Hey, hey. Babe. Tell me what's going on in that pretty brain of yours."

Seokjin slumped against him. No pills. He promised himself. He gave them away for safe-keeping and-

"Sometimes..."

"Some nights..."

He didn't know how to start.

"-not _always,_ but..."

The thoughts flew faster. He was familiar with this dance; he performed it with his psychiatrist every session.

Why was he still like this? Wasn't going to the doctor supposed to help? Wasn't he supposed to be _cured?_

"Ssshh," Jungkook pet his hair. "Shhh."

"I'm here, okay? I'll always stay with you."

Seokjin stilled in his arms.

"Will you sing me to sleep?" he asked quietly. The other laughed.

"Of course, baby. Any lullaby you want."

* * *

  
_곁에 머물러줄래_  
_Will you stay by my side_

_내게 약속해줄래  
Will you promise me_

_손 대면 날아갈까 부서질까  
If I let go of your hand, you'll fly away and break_

_겁나 겁나 겁나  
I'm scared scared scared of that_

_시간을 멈출래  
Will you stop time_

_이 순간이 지나면  
If this moment passes_

_없었던 일이 될까 널 잃을까  
As though it hadn't happened_

_겁나 겁나 겁나  
I'm scared scared scared of that_

_Butterfly like a butterfly_  
_Like a Butterfly just like a Butterfly_

* * *

 

 **official.exo** has a new post.

내 사랑은 영원인 걸...  
My love that is forever...

 

-was scrawled on a heart that took up the entire screen.

On one hand, the fans were ecstatic about the return of the hearts but his tweets unsettled them.

Their anxiety didn't last long, however. Several hours after, there was another post.

 

 **official.exo** has posted a photo.

 

In it, Seokjin sent a flying kiss with BigHit's logo in the background. Its caption read "With Love, from EXO's Jin" followed by a SoundCloud link.

Those who remembered the "Awake" tweet immediately clicked on it while others dawdled. Maybe it was a virus? Maybe EXO's account was hacked? Maybe, like 'Awake,' it would disappear in an hour's time.

Thousands of people clicked, and each one of them was redirected to Bangtan's Soundcloud. At the top of their uploads was a cover.

_Butterfly (Cover) - JK and Jin_

(Dramatic fans said that it was a cover to end all fan wars. Less dramatic fans said that it was a cover to end all covers. Rapper!Jungkook? Guitarist!Seokjin? Yes please to both.)

Later, BTS' Twitter updated with a video. In it, the maknaes were squashed together in front of Jungkook's recording equipment, their knees and shoulders touching. They squished their cheeks together and greeted the internet.

"Annyeonghaseyo!"

"I'm BTS' Jungkook-"

"-and I'm EXO's Jin."

"And together-" they made a heart with their arms.

"-we're Jinkook!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who reads this. Your comments and kudos are keeping my writing spirit alive.  
> ( ᵒ̴̶̷̥́ _ᵒ̴̶̷̣̥̀ )♡♡♡ 
> 
> Notes? The song lyrics have English/Korean now! I think this looks better. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Also, Jin's EXO tweets are lyrics from Butterfly. :) 
> 
> This chapter is a little shorter than the previous ones, and this trend will probably continue. Probably ~5,000 words per chapter now? 
> 
> Again, thanks for all the love!! ٩(๑> ₃ <)۶♥
> 
> For anyone who still has finals, good luck!


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